Nothing But The Krums

Sacrifices

2012-02-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

When you get pregnant or even dream about getting pregnant, your dreams include things like baby smiles, cooing, sweet little sleeping babies. Your visions of what life with the baby will be like are all roses and sleeping babies.

Even though I have had a baby before, my mind blocked out all the hard stuff. My brain went right to 6 months where Ainsley was smiling and sleeping well. She was easy to put to bed. She only woke up once a night and was up for 20 minutes at most. She was just generally a happy baby.

And now reality has hit. David wasn't home a week when he was diagnosed with thrush, which is a yeast infection. The main symptoms are a white tongue, horrible diaper rash, and gas. The white tongue we can deal with. The diaper rash got better with some special diaper cream. The gas on the other hand was miserable. When he was awake, he was screaming. It was down right miserable. We had a couple nights when we slept only an hour or 2. We would just watch him pull his legs to his chest in pain. At his one week checkup the doctor told me that the best way to combat the yeast was to stop eating things that fed yeast. Gluten and Dairy. I told him thank you very much but that's impossible. I explained that I was a vegetarian and cutting out gluten would leave me with nothing to eat. I went home and listened to David scream for another week. It was painful.

At his 2 week checkup the thrush had only gotten worse. I was again faced with the decision of gluten and dairy free. And this time, I embraced it. I was going to try it for a week and see if it helped. If it did, I would do it until the thrush cleared up. And so this became my life.

And guess what, it worked. He's happy most of the time. There is still a good bit of gas (he cleared out a room yesterday but I think that's more genetics he gets from his namesakes), but for the most part, he's good. And so I continue with the diet and I am figuring out how to keep myself full.

Sacrifices in life are worth it, especially when it comes to your children.

Boy Crazy

2012-02-08T12:54:00.000-08:00

When we found out I was pregnant with David, I asked Ryan if we could wait and be surprised on the sex of this baby. We had found out that Ainsley was a girl when I was pregnant and I told him that I wanted to try it the other way.

Secretly, I didn't want to know if it was a boy. People would ask me if I cared if it was a boy or a girl, and I would give the standard answer of "Just as long as it's healthy, I don't care". Honestly, I cared. I wanted a girl so badly.

I was actually petrified of a boy. Not only did I not know anything about the anatomy (I'm still asking Ryan questions about "it" regularly!), but I was also scared of boy activity. Boys are rambunctious. Boys are crazy. Boys are wild. Boys are everything my little girl is not. And if I love my little girl and everything about her just the way that she is, how can I love just the opposite.

Everyone told me that I would love a boy just as much as I would love a girl, but I just couldn't picture it. How was a boy ever going to fit into our lives? So I convinced Ryan to wait and not find out the sex of the baby. I didn't want to dwell on the fact that this baby could be a boy for months. I knew I would stress and worry like crazy if I knew ahead of time.

With each passing day of the pregnancy, I was more and more convinced that this baby was a boy. My pregnancies were just so different. Hardly anything was the same. And so I started to settle in to the fact that this was more than likely a boy.

Then came birth day. When he was born, I was privileged enough to "catch" him. When I turned him over in the water, there "it" was. His boyness was staring back at me. And I have to say that I panicked. When Ainsley was born, they put her on my chest and it was instant love. My little girl. But when they put David on my chest, I was kind of in denial. This boy, and a big boy at that, was my baby?

While I went through all the post birth things, Ryan held David "skin to skin" on his chest. He bonded and enjoyed every second of that time. And there I was just staring at both of them. Confused of my feelings. Where was the instant love?

I'm not going to tell you that it was instant after I started breast feeding or after I held him for a bit. I don't actually know when it happened. But I have fallen so deeply in love with this little boy.

And I can't wait for the soccer games, the dirt, the trucks, the tree climbing, the legos, and more. Let the invasion of blue begin!

He's definitely a sweet little boy. And he's definitely mine to love.

What's in a Name?

2012-01-31T07:01:00.000-08:00

I always thought it would be so fun to name children. In reality I have found it just the opposite. I find it to be an impossible task and with both my kids I have had periods of doubt after they were born and named. Don't get me wrong, I love their names but they are so permanent that the fear of making a mistake just gets to me.

With this baby, we did not know whether it was a boy or a girl and therefore had to pick out 2 names. The girl's name was set from day 1. The boys name wasn't set until we actually met him. I had a feeling his name would be what it was but we just weren't sure.

David's name does have quite a bit of significance though and so I wanted to share it with you. It's not a hidden fact in my life that my father and I have not always gotten along. There was a period of time when we actually didn't like each other at all. I actually wouldn't even stay at his house when I came home from college.

BUT God's grace is bigger than either of our sinful hearts. God healed both of our hearts and today my dad is one of the most important people in my life. He is a friend, an advisor, and a father. I couldn't ask for anything more.

And so when we thought about a first name, my dad's name came to mind quickly: David. It doesn't hurt that the name also has such strong biblical significance - "a man after God's own heart".

When it came to a middle name, the choice was obvious. How could we not name our son after his father? Ryan is such an amazing dad that it seems fitting to name his son after him. He's my rock and the leader of this family. And his name's meaning is pretty gtood too - "Little Prince".

So my prayer for you little David Ryan is that you live up to your name. Those are some pretty big shoes to grow into but we have faith in the man you will become. God has big plans for you and we trust in Him to fulfill them. And I am just so happy that the 3 most important men in my life are forever linked by their names.

And So Begins a New Chapter

2012-01-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

With the birth of David, we decided that it was time to start Ainsley in preschool. She has been under MaryBeth's care for 3 years now (minus a small break when she had Toby). Unfortunately, MaryBeth won't be watching Ainsley and David. She and her family have moved closer to her husband's family. While it's a good decision for them, it makes us sad.

Seeing that Ainsley wasn't going to get the stimulation of 2 rambunctious boys anymore, we decided that preschool would be a good outlet for her 2 days a week. We chose one based on proximity and we also happen to know the educational director.

Today was her first day. And since my last post was so wordy, I think this one should just be about the pictures.

Dressed and Ready to Go!

Excited about her New Backpack she got for Christmas

Just before getting in the Car

Checking In

A little nervous with her hands in her hair

At the end of the day we got a great report from her teachers. She adjusted well and had a great time. She even got to meet a hedgehog!

He's Going to be a Swimmer

2012-01-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world David Ryan. If you don't want to read the full birth story, I would suggest you skip this entry. I won't get too graphic but I do have to post one picture that is worth 1000 words.

On Sunday January 8th, I went to bed and was starting to contract. I was contracting pretty consistently at 6 minutes apart but they weren't gettting any stronger. And then they stopped around 4 am. I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom. My pants were a little wet and I figured I might be leaking a little fluid but since I was not contracting anymore, I let it go. I went to work on January 9th and worked my full day until 2:30. I came home and laid down on the couch and set Ainsley up with 2 Veggie Tales videos. Everytime I got up I leaked a little more. I knew at this point that my water was broken but I still wasn't contracting hard enough or consistent enough to be in active labor.

I was super bummed. This is exactly how my hell of a labor started with Ainsley and I knew the road. It led to pitocin and an epidural and an epic long labor. I was so disappointed. I actually waited until 7:00 to call the midwives and they asked me to come in to check if indeed my water was broken.

Ryan and I decided to send Ainsley and Tucker to Grandma's house and do a few things around the house. We put 7 boxes together for our business and I took a shower. The shower seemed to spur a few more contractions. My doula, Mary, arrived around 9:00. After evaluating the situation, we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood to see if we could get contractions moving. It was a full moon and foggy outside. It was so still and eerie. I have to say that this walk changed my mood. I was ready for whatever came my way. We took a few minutes and prayed over what was to come. What a gift to have a doula who loves the Lord like we do!

We left for the hospital around 10:30 and I finally got seen by the midwife at 11:30. She quickly determined that yes indeed my water had broken. But I was at 4 cm and so they were going to give me some time before putting me on pitocin. She did strip my membranes though which apparently was the right thing to do at the right time. I turned a corner and was in active labor. We really wanted to have a water birth so I hurried Ryan into setting up the tub.

After an hour of contractions in labor and delivery my midwife, Virginia, checked me again and I was at 7. I was beginning to shake and entering transition. We moved positions and things got dramatically more intense. My midwife asked if I wanted to be checked before getting in the tub. I didn't. I just said, let's get in there.

For some reason I had it in my head that it was going to be much easier in the tub. Oops. Not so much. It was really hard but I knew there was no turning back. There was going to be no epidural and this baby was going to be born in the water.

It was at this point that they wanted to get another heartrate check on the baby. They used 4 different monitors and 3 different nurses and couldn't find it for 45 minutes. While I just wanted them to go away and forget it, Ryan was freaking out. I was in a bit of a different state of mind than he was. Finally, 3 minutes before he was born, they found the heartrate and quickly got away.

And then the moment came when he entered the world. He was born in the water and I grabbed him and flipped him over to realize he was a BOY! You can actually see him under the water in this shot!

After 3 hours of active labor, baby David came into the world at 2:25am on January 10th, 2012. He weighed 9lbs 2oz and was 20 inches long (which is a lot bigger than 7lb 10z Ainsley was).

I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for doing this naturally. It was so hard but so worth it. We are already so in love with this little boy. I never pictured myself as a mother of a little boy but I must say that it is AWESOME!

Usually I'm an Inside Girl

2012-01-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in forever. I really wanted to sit on the last post and really let it sink in. It was important to me.

But a new year has come and a lot is about to change at our house. I didn't want to overlook a major thing that happened during the interim.

I will be the first to admit, I'm an inside girl when it comes to my home. We have spent time and money redoing our kitchen, buying furniture, and even making curtains. These are all inside things. And I love every one of them. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not thankful for the work we have put into our house to make it a home.

The outside of our house is a different story. My philosophy is that if it doesn't grow or produce food for us to eat, then why pay attention to it.

My father in law and I have often talked about the front of our house needing a face lift. I knew he was right but I never really looked into it further. This year for Christmas, he surprised us and had our front yard totally re-landscaped. I have to admit that I wasn't overly excited about it to start with. But then it was done and I am dumbfounded by how much I really enjoy it every day. And it's the dead of winter. We haven't even seen the extent of the beauty yet. To say that I'm looking forward to spring is an understatement.

My words can't do it justice so just take a look...

Before

(just look at those overgrown bushes!)

During

(they ripped every bush out. They said the root systems were feet deep!)

After

There are so many little touches that these pictures don't do justice but take my word for it. You would be amazed!

Even though I am an inside girl and would never have done this for myself, I am SOOOOOO thankful that my father in law was so generous to do it for us. I never thought I would like it so much. I guess there is always room for a little growth in one's life.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

2011-11-24T05:48:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving and a great time for reflection over the past year. Most people reflect on their year at New Year's, but this year it only makes since to reflect on Thanksgiving. It was 1 year ago today that we found out that we had lost our tiny baby in the womb.

When I look back on the past year, it will be as a year of growth. I have never grown more in a single year than this particular one. What started on November 24, 2010 triggered a series of events that forced me to depend on God more than I ever have before, and not all of those events were bad.

As a quick recap, here is what we have been through in the past year.

We lost the baby
My body took 5 1/2 months to recover from the miscarriage
I got pregnant again the first month my body was back to normal
The early stages of pregnancy were filled with anxiety
We found out the baby I am now carrying may have Downs Syndrome
Ryan's Grandmother had a stroke and passed away
Ryan's family dog passed away
Our dog Libby passed away
We found out that Ainsley has a gross motor skill delay
We found out that the baby I am carrying now more than likely doesn't have Down Syndrome
The end of this pregnancy has been drastically more difficult than my pregnancy with Ainsley

And when I look at that list and see blessings and struggles, what I see more is God's grace. Through each of those circumstances, God has taught me so much about His grace and His love for me. He has used His Spirit, His People, and His Word to minister to me.

I am calling this past year my Ebenezer year. I am putting a stone on the ground in my memory of this year so that when I look back at my life, I can always remember God's goodness and mercy.

Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Thus far has the LORD helped us. 1 Samuel 7:12

And seeing that it is Thanksgiving, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness. Thankfulness for struggles. Thankfulness for blessings. And most of all, Thankfulness for a God that loves me.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart,
O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Celebrate the Harvest

2011-11-13T13:17:00.000-08:00

Every year for the past 5 years I have thrown a Christmas Dessert party. Seeing that I am pretty pregnant, I opted to move it to November and call it the Celebrate the Harvest Party. It was kind of fun to put all the fall decorations together. All the people that come to my house yearly, only see the Christmas decorations. And while I love my nativities, I do love my house as it normally is. It was nice for a change of pace. Here are some pictures and recipes!

The Drink Table

We served Beer, Wine, Apple Cider, and Coffee. That copper container was Ryan's Grandmothers and a perfect addition to the drink table this year

Just a Fun Fall Decoration

I saw this decoration idea on Pinterest. Ainsley, Anne, and I went out to a local farm and picked up all the gourds and pumpkins. Ainsley was responsible for the small gourds. I actually didn't even look at them until we got home. She did a great job picking them out.

The Dessert Table

I loved the "pumpkin" centerpiece. Since the addition of the new red curtains, I didn't want to go overly orange. I found a bunch of white and green pumpkins that looked so fabulous.

Pecan Pie Bars

Think pecan pie but in smaller bites. It was so gooey though that the cupcake liners were necessary. This recipe came out of the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownies

I found this one on Pinterest. Brownie on the bottom, Eggless Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough on the top, a splash of chocolate on top of that. What's not to love.

Here's the recipe for those that have asked.

http://www.recipegirl.com/2011/06/02/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-brownies/

Chocolate Ginger Twists

These were an attempt to use some puff pastry dough that I had. I wanted a different flavor and this one hit the spot. The addition of Crystalized Ginger was pretty cool

Chocolate Chip Turtle Cheesecake

I would have to say this may be my signature dessert. It has been at every party I have ever thrown. It's amazing.

Plain Cheesecake

Sounds boring but I think it's the best plain cheesecake I have ever had. The recipe calls for a fruit topping but honestly you don't need it. My stomach wasn't feeling great last night and this was the only dessert I actually ate. Oh my heart is this good. Thanks Ina Garten

Here's the recipe for this one:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/raspberry-cheesecake-recipe/index.html

Pumpkin Cookies with Cinnamon Icing

These cookies are so yummy. Fall in a cookie. Mmmm, mmm, mmm. I didn't cook them as long and made my icing a bit thicker. Both improvements.

Here's the recipe:

http://fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com/2011/10/pumpkin-cookies-with-cinnamon-icing.html

Baked Pumpkin Donut Holes

These were a surprise hit of the party. I actually only had 3 left. I must say that they are pretty good. Again, thank you Pinterest. The recipe said to make them as full sized muffins but the smaller size suited the party better. I cooked them for 20 minutes and it was perfect.

Here's the recipe

http://fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com/2011/10/baked-pumpkin-donut-muffins-and.html

Cappuccino Mousse Trifle

I love a good trifle. Ever since that episode of Friends, it's an excuse to say that I did not put meat in the trifle. It's really just layers of goodness. I added a little Kaluha this year to the milk you pour over the pound cake and it worked really well.

Here's the recipe:

http://www.pamperedchef.com/our_products/recipesearch/recipedetail.jsp?recipeId=72878

And while I had a blast throwing this party, I am glad that it is over and I can concentrate on the last 8 or so weeks of pregnancy. I have some sorting and washing to do.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 31

2011-10-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today and this whole month, I am appreciative of...

...my camera. Because of my commitment to posting a picture everyday for 31 days, I have had my camera with me more often than normal. I have captured some great things. Things that have made the blog and things that haven't. I have enjoyed coming up with new ideas each day and showcasing my life in pictures.

I walk away from this 31 Days of Appreciation with just that...Appreciation. Thanks for following along and I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I did.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 30

2011-10-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a start. We are throwing our annual dessert party in November this year because the thought of throwing it so close to baby's due date is just daunting. So this year we are doing it in November and calling it "Celebrate the Harvest". It's 2 weeks away and I just started baking today. I got 2 things done today (Pecan Pie Bars and Chocolate Ginger Twists pictured above) and a plan. While the 2 things are a good start, the plan is more important. I am glad to know everything I am making and now it's just checking them off the list!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 29

2011-10-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...an extra glimpse inside the womb. Because of our earlier scare in pregnancy, we have been on a track to get extra ultrasounds to monitor growth. They still think that the baby is fine but are just making sure that baby is growing properly. No problems there. Baby is measuring a full week ahead of schedule and is in the 74th percentile. They are estimating baby weighs 3 lb 6 oz already. Yikes! This baby from what we can tell, looks like Ryan and is very active. I must say it makes me pretty excited to see these last 11 weeks (or less) go by!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 28

2011-10-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a whole day with this little girl. Yesterday was so much better of a day. And today I get to spend my day playing with her. Fridays are one of the greatest parts of my life. I work part time and don't work on Fridays. I love what it allows me to do with Ainsley. We go to gymnastics in the morning and then out to lunch. We always find fun adventures to get into. I can't wait to incorporate a little baby into this fun day.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 27

2011-10-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...new mercies. Yesterday was a hard day. Lots of things happened that made me realize our need for His Faithfulness. Today is a new day and with that new day comes new mercies. Even if today ends up worse than yesterday, I know there is tomorrow.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 26

2011-10-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...the greatest Mother In Law. What a blessing it is to have a fantastic mother in law who lives exactly 2 miles from us. She helps us out so much with the care of this goofy kid. She helps us out so often at a moment's notice. Her love for Ainsley runs deep as any grandma's love does. What a gift to us and to Ainsley.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 25

2011-10-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...that feeling that there is no place like home. While I had a great time with my sisters, there is still nothing like being at home with those that you love most. The greeting I received when I walked in the door was priceless. Oh how I love my family!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 24

2011-10-24T18:05:00.001-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...my sisters. I just spent 4 incredible days with them in Cancun. We laughed, we slept, we ate. We had so much fun. And I thought that I was going to be able to post from there and keep my 31 day promise but the wifi was $17 a day so I took the opportunity to unplug. Sorry. But it was worth it and now I can come back and finish the month strong. Anyway, a fantastic time was had with my sisters, Jill and Wendy.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 21

2011-10-21T03:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a beat up old suitcase packed for 1. I am leaving today for Mexico. My sisters and I are taking a girls weekend away in Cancun at an all inclusive resort. Ryan and Ainsley are staying home to play and have speacial Daddy/Daughter time. I must say that I forgot how easy it is to pack just for yourself. All my stuff fits in this small suitcase with room to spare! And just because I'm off to drink fruity drinks with umbrellas in them (virgin of course!), doesn't mean I'll abandon my 31 days. You may not get fancy formatting and it may be later in the day but as long as the wifi works in the lobby, I'll be posting from my phone!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 20

2011-10-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...the tenacity of a friend. This is Roger. He and Ryan have been friends for years and years. And while I am part of the 31 Days movement here in the blog world, he is part of his own 31 days movement. He quit smoking on October 1st. That means we are both on Day 20. I have never had an addiction like that to conquer so I can only imagine how hard these past 20 days have been for him. But he's doing it. And I am proud. As Ainsley would say...Go Roger Go!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 19

2011-10-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...fresh sheets and a clean house. Not quite a year ago I started getting my house cleaned every 3 weeks. As a working mother and a small business owner, keeping up with the house was just getting to be too much for me. Throw a miscarriage and another pregnancy in there and you get a cleaning lady. Our side business pays for it so it doesn't feel like a big hit to the budget. I tend to gripe about our side business quite a bit, but on days like today I love it! And I will say that coming home on days that Cindy has been here makes me smile. A LOT!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 18

2011-10-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...the Birthday Boy! I've already given you some good qualities on here and I could go on forever about how wonderful it is being married to this man. I am blessed beyond messure to walk this life with him. Happy Birthday Ryan! I'm glad you were born!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 17

2011-10-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...teachable moments. Ainsley has too many toys. Her stuff is taking over our bonus room. We decided that we were going to donate some of her toys. We explained to her that there were kids out there that didn't have any toys. I picked some of the ones we donated and she picked the rest. Some of her decisions actually surprised me. I was so proud of my little girl as she carried that doll high chair up to the truck today. Life lessons start early.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 16

2011-10-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...fine motor skills. I have talked on here about Ainsley's gross motor skill delay. What I haven't mentioned is the fact that she is way ahead in fine motor skills. She eats without making a mess. She colors and paints very well. And now she is learning to write her name. I wrote the sample at the top and I only helped her with the S and the E but other than that, this is all her. I can't tell you how I impressed I am with this little girl. I can't wait to see what she is going to do with that fine dexterity!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 15

2011-10-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...small moments. Ryan is going to a funeral today for a guy he graduated high school with. The guy was 500 yards shy of finishing a marathon when he collapsed only to die 1 hour later. His wife and high school sweetheart probably never imagined that morning that she would say goodbye to him one last time as he left for the starting line. She probably never imagined the man she had spent her entire adult life with would never come back. She probably never imagined being a widow and a single mother of 2 young children at the age of 34. And yet it is her reality now. So today I am definitely appreciative of the 2 most important people in my life. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow or even this afternoon. Make the most of those small moments.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 14

2011-10-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...Ainsley's teachers at gymnastics, Miss Elena and Mr Alexi. They are a husband and wife duo that used to be gymnastists in Russia. They really do have a lot of patience with my 3 year old and have helped her in so many ways. They not only make sure they are having fun but they are teaching them technique, even at 3 years old! I really think they are helping her catch up from her physical delay quicker than we would have expected.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 13

2011-10-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...the whole growing a person inside of myself thing. It's crazy to think there is a 2 + pound person living inside of me right now. Baby is doing great and for the most part so am I. Heartburn that turns into nauseau is my worst complaint. But it's so worth it. And it's hard to believe that my due date is exactly 3 months from today. I think I have a lot to do to get ready for this baby. I better go get busy!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 12

2011-10-12T05:06:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...young love. 15 years ago an 18 year old girl went on a camping trip with a 20 year old boy. There was a kiss. The rest is history.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 11

2011-10-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a long growing season. It's October 10th and I just made fresh tomato sauce out of roasted cherry tomatoes and local garlic. My dinner cost me all of $5.00 to feed our family due to garden vegetables. I grew up in Connecticut where the growing season was closer to 2 1/2 months. We have had fresh tomatoes for 5 months now and have been able to store enough to make it through the winter. Oh how I love my garden!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 10

2011-10-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a mother who taught me how to make a house a home. My mother is a true homemaker. She taught me more things about running a home than I could have ever read in a book. One practical thing she taught me was how to sew. Even though I just picked it up again after many many years, the knowledge is still there. She gave me the idea for these valances and they turned out exactly as I wanted them. They make this room look more homey and finished. And I must say, I am proud of the pretty!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 9

2011-10-09T05:16:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...creativity. I was working on sewing curtains today and and wasn't really paying attention to Ainsley. When I checked on her, this is what I found. While some mothers would get mad at this, I thought it was a great expression of creativity. It helped that she didn't get it anywhere else!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 8

2011-10-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...my little girl who is growing up so fast. She's my little helper and is starting to love some of the same things that I love. What a joy to share my kitchen with her.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 7

2011-10-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...the dog that still fills our life. This is Tucker. He has lived with us since 2001. That's 10 years of pure pug love. If you are wondering how he is doing since Libby's passing, I have to say surprisingly well. He's back to being top dog and loving it!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 6

2011-10-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...Steve Jobs. I know the world is talking about Steve Jobs and the influence he had on technology. I personally wouldn't have the job that I have in the field that I have without his innovation and drive. While I don't have a Mac and my only Apple product is my iPhone, I do work as a computer programmer. I must tip my hat to him and thank him for all he did so that I can do what I do. RIP and Thank you Mr. Jobs!

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 5

2011-10-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...pictures that you have forgotten you have taken. I miss this dog and her crazy teeth. This picture was taken in early June before the tumor went away and eventually came back.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 4

2011-10-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...family dinners and the things that just kind of happen when you are together as a family.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 3

2011-10-03T05:32:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...a stable job. I rarely talk about it on here, but I am gainfully employed, be it part time. My boss has been more than generous with me over the past 5 years as I have transitioned from full time employee to part-time working mother. That's a lot to be thankful for.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 2

2011-10-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Today I am appreciative of...

...new life for good friends. We met baby Caleb last night for the first time. What a sweet little guy.

31 Days of Appreciation: Day 1

2011-10-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

There is a movement going on in the blog world. It's called 31 days. Basically it's a commitment to blog everyday for the month of October. I wasn't going to do it. I thought I was too busy. But then I decided that everyone is too busy and yet there are so many people who are involved in this movement.

So I decided to join in. And then I thought about what can I possibly write about for 31 days. It felt daunting and huge. So I have decided to make my 31 days a montage of pictures and maybe just a few sentences to describe my daily picture.

I'm calling it 31 Days of Appreciation. It will be my way to stop and appreciate my life through images.

So without further ado...my picture for the day.

Today I am appreciative of....

...a coupon that allowed me to buy what I am hoping will be my last maternity clothes for this pregnancy.

Fill My Cup

2011-09-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of talk of death and sadness on here recently. And there is a season for that. Ecclesiastes tells us that.

Yesterday I got sucked into a new blog. It's funny how that happens. Someone links somewhere and you follow it and then it's like a little rabbit hole. Before you know it you have gotten into someone's story and life. It's one of the things I love most about the blog world. I'm a lover of voyeurism like that.

This blog that I got sucked into was written by an astonishing woman. Her name was Sara and she had a debilitating disease, one stricken with pain and illness. And even in the posts about her daily life and the trials she faced, you could see the joy. It was actually at the top of her blog. Choose Joy. It was so clear from her words that she really did and didn't just write about it.

She passed away on Saturday. She was way too young. For the people that she left behind, I'm sure there is so much pain and so much heartache. And yet there is joy because that's what she taught them through her life and death.

In the midst of all that has happened in our lives over the past year, it's nice to see a fresh perspective. The funny thing is that God has already been working on us in this aspect and we didn't even know it. I don't think that either Ryan or I have been living out of grief in the past 2 months. We certainly could have been. And yes we miss Grandma and we miss Libby. But it's not all consuming like grief has been before.

We have been given great gifts in our lives. And it is those gifts that we are focusing on now. Even though the pain of loss is there, the cup is full of joy.

My prayer remains the same...Lord keep my cup full of joy regardless of the circumstances.

Goodbye My Girl

2011-09-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

You came into our life 5 years ago. Ryan picked you. I wanted a hyper young dog but he wanted you. He could tell you were super sweet. He wasn't wrong.

You were already old. You used to be a breeder. We have no idea how many puppies you had. You were sold for a price because you were no longer wanted. But we wanted you.

You were sweet and you filled a void in my life. You were my baby. You followed me everywhere.

You barked at people you didn't know. Strangers never liked you. But people who got to know you, loved you so.

When you got sick, you never left my side. You loved me and I loved you. It was unconditional.

Then you got better

And we took you on vacation and you had the time of your life. You had never been happier.

And then we came home. And you got worse again. And we have watched as you started to struggle.

And tonight we couldn't let you struggle anymore. You were too good of a dog to go through the pain you were going through.

And so I bid you farewell, my sweet Libby girl. You will definitely be missed. You will never be forgotten.

Move More, Think Less

2011-08-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

We started Ainsley in gymnastics in the beginning of the summer. She's definitely not a physical kid so I wanted to see what would happen when we put her in a really physical situation. She was in the 2 year old class and was the oldest one in there. The class was structured as a parent involved class. I thought this was a great way to get her started and then in the fall she could transition into the 3 year old class that was not parent assisted.

I bought her a leotard and got her dressed for class the first night. She couldn't have been more excited.

We met her teachers, Miss Lori and Miss Jasmine. She instantly fell in love with both of them, especially Miss Lori. She barely knew I was in the class with her. She was attached to Miss Lori's hip.

Some of the skills were pretty easy for her. The balance beam seems to be her best, followed closely by somersaults.

But other things were really hard. Jumping really wasn't her thing. She would try and try but she really couldn't get off the ground. It was then that I started looking around at the other kids in her class. Most of them were young 2 year olds. They seemed leaps and bounds ahead of her. This was when I started to get concerned. I started to pay closer attention to her skill level compared to the other kids in her class. It was pretty drastic the difference.

So Miss Lori worked with her every week. She got a lot of one on one attention. She definitely improved. But not enough.

So this past week, I took her over to Physical Therapy. They evaluated her and she is indeed behind. But we are going to catch her up.

Then today we started the 3 year old class. Where I could shield her from realizing she was behind before, I couldn't do it now. I'm not in the class. So I sat on the side and watched as she got passed by other kids in her circuit. My heart broke for her. Then after class her teacher approached me. I hadn't warned the teacher but she figured it out pretty quickly. She asked me if I thought she needed to go back to the 2 year old class.

While it's one thing to know there is a problem, it's a complete other thing to have someone who has only known your child for 45 minutes pick up on it enough to say something to you. Maybe it's hormones or maybe it's just my mama bear instinct protecting my cub. Either way, it doesn't matter. It still hurt. But I decided to keep her in the 3 year old class. I think the peer pressure will be good for her. I think being away from me will help remove the crutch she leans on.

And so we move on and get her to move more. That might be a good philosophy for me too..."Move More, Think less"

All Over the Place

2011-08-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that it's been a rough week. I actually can't believe that it's only been a week since it all started going out of control. But in the midst of everything that's been going on, God has been faithful. I am growing and He is showing me mercy. So here's the time line of the past week:

Friday morning we went for our anatomy scan. We found out the baby may have Down Syndrome. While this was tough to hear, I felt a peace from only God.
Friday around 6, I got a call from Ryan's mom. His 91 year old grandmother was having a major episode and she was on the way over there. We were praying that she would pass away before she had to go to the hospital again. This may have been the hardest prayer I've ever prayed. You never want to pray for someone to leave this earth but Grams has been suffering for a while now. We were definitely praying for mercy.
Friday night I called my faithful friend Anne to watch Ainsley while we went to the hospital to be with Grams who had a major stroke. What a blessing Anne has been in my life. She loves me and Ainsley and that is a gift.
Friday night at the hospital Grams was responsive and was able to communicate in little bits and pieces. I was able to tell her how much she meant to me and say the goodbye that I wasn't able to say when my grandmother passed away. Another gift.
Friday night or maybe early Saturday morning, while we were drifting off to sleep, Ryan was able to feel the baby move for the first time! Yes!!!
Saturday morning Ryan's mother had to put her faithful dog Sammy down. He was 16 years old and had been around this family longer than I have. We have known for a while that this has been coming but the finality of it was rough.
Saturday night we spent some much needed family time with Ryan's Dad. He provided a fabulous meal and we just got to relax. This dinner has been planned for at least 6 months and the timing of it was perfect.
Sunday morning we went to church. Worship was great. We sang very appropriate songs to how I was feeling. I was able to leave church with Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus in my head for the rest of the day.
Sunday early evening we kicked off another year of home group with a meal at our house. It was a great time to fellowship with our friends and be with like minded believers. This group, although different in so many ways from the start, has been a solid presence in our life for the past 4 years. That is truly a amazing gift from above.
Sunday night I went up to see Ryan's grandmother one more time. The end was near. The closure of that visit was final. She was entering eternity.
Sunday night shortly after we went to bed, we got the call from Ryan's sister that Grams had passed from this life to the next. She was singing and dancing with Jesus. Our hope is firm and our salvation is secure. That is something to praise God for.
Monday morning on the way to work, Ainsley asked me where Great Grandma was again. I told her she was in heaven with Jesus. In her 3 year old logic, she asked me if she was driving there. Oh how I love innocent children.
Tuesday morning we went in for our repeat ultrasound. We waited for what felt like an eternity in the lobby, or maybe just an hour, but were finally called back. After 2 ultrasounds that morning, we were told that our baby is completely within the range of normal for all Down Syndrome markers. Our odds are back to slim to none that the baby will have DS. His Mercies are soooo good. And while we watched our little child on that screen, it was such a great reminder that even in the midst of death, there is life. Praise God. Oh and baby has big lips. Too cute.
Wednesday after work, I took Ainsley to a Physical therapy screen. She has seemed a bit behind compared to her peers in regards to gross motor skills and I thought it was worth checking out. She has been in gymnastics and that has helped but I wanted to see if I could help catch her up if there was a problem. She is about 6-8 months behind but the therapist says that she can catch up easily with some sessions. This has been on my calendar a while and it just so happened to fall in the middle of the crazy. While I would have preferred to put this off, I'm glad that we didn't. This news wasn't the greatest but it wasn't the worst either.

So that brings me to now. We have the funeral on Monday. The weekend is going to be slam packed with other things that were previously scheduled. But in the midst of the chaos of what is behind us and what is in front of us, we are continuously being reminded of His faithfulness.When it seems that we cannot bear one more thing, He shows up and gives us glimpses of grace.

This scripture has been in my head this week, especially the first 4 verses.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Calm

2011-08-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

With each step you take in life, God is there to meet you with joy and strength. We went in for our "big" ultrasound today. While most people go to this ultrasound focused on the gender of the child, we didn't. We have decided to not find out the sex of this baby.

When we went in for the big ultrasound with Ainsley, it was so exciting. The anticipation of finding out her sex was all that we could think of. She actually didn't "reveal" herself until the last 5 minutes. I didn't really even focus on the fact that they were doing a clinical exam and actually were looking for the health of our baby.

This time it was so different. We knew we weren't finding out the sex so the focus became more intense on the clinical exam. After she completed the exam, she said that our midwife would be talking to us more about a finding. My guard went up immediately. What could be wrong?

And so we met with our midwife, Vicki, who by the way is my favorite midwife at our practice. She explained to me that the ultrasound tech had found that the fold on the back of the neck was thicker than it was supposed to be. That by itself is a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome. None of the other soft markers presented themselves during the ultrasound.

We had an ultrasound at 13 weeks that was specifically looking at these soft markers and none of them presented themselves. At that time, our risk of Down Syndrome was somewhere around 1:1090 (I think that's close. I don't really remember what the midwife said this morning as it was all such a blur and happening so fast). Now that this soft marker has presented itself, our risk has increased to 1:170. Those odds are still pretty good but they put us into a category of higher risk.

We were presented with a bunch of options ranging from nothing to another ultrasound to an amnio. We decided against the amnio since the risks are just too great for miscarriage. We have decided to go for a more detailed ultrasound at the hospital next week. They won't be able to give us a definite answer but it's just a good second opinion.

A friend of mine from high school, Gretchen, had a child about a year ago that has Down Syndrome. She has been incredibly open and honest on her blog. She has talked about the struggles and yet the place she lives in now is so sweet. She loves Julian and is a great advocate for her little boy and others that are just like him. Oh and he is one of the most adorable little guys you will ever meet.

After all of this, I left the appointment in a state that actually shocked me: calm. After everything that I have been through in the past year and the insiders view into Gretchen's life, I think God really prepared me to be in this moment. I have really learned in the past year that God is strength and He brings the grace. We don't know what will happen with this child. We do know that God does know. We know that no matter what happens, we will love this child with an unimaginable love. And God will give us the grace to handle whatever comes our way.

I was scanning the ultrasound pictures today and putting them in my little photo album that I used when we were pregnant with Ainsley. My scriptures that I used in labor were still in there. I found this scripture incredibly helpful today.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18.

Amen and Amen.

Are Miracles for Dogs Too?

2011-07-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

We have 2 dogs. Both of them are pugs. We weren't looking for a pug when we set out to find a dog during our second year of marriage. We went looking for a shelter dog. Tucker was the first dog we saw and he was so cute. I didn't even know what kind of dog he was or anything about pugs. We picked him out and took him home and thus we became pug people.

He definitely looks older now than he did 10 years ago but he's still adorable

After we moved to our current home 5 years ago I was ready to start our family. Unfortunately I had a health issue that delayed that process by a year or so. So what does one do when you want a baby and are told to wait....Get another dog. This time we went looking for a pug but still went looking for a rescue. We found a rescue organization about 2 hours away and went down to pick out our new pug. I wanted the playful one and Ryan wanted the one that just looked sweet. She had been used as a breeder for the Amish and was sold at the farmers market like produce to someone who gave her to the rescue. She was six years old and we knew she had lived a hard life already. We didn't care and we brought home Libby 5 years ago.

Who couldn't love that face?

She doesn't like strangers too much but she loves people she knows. She's much more typical pug in look and behavior. She's about the sweetest thing ever and she became my baby.

Well, until we had a baby. Then Libby and Tucker took their place on their beds and have been living out their lazy comfortable life like good dogs do. That is until this spring. We took them in for physicals and the vet said that Libby's stomach seemed tender. 2 weeks later I took her back to the vet because her abdomen had swollen to twice the size. An x-ray clearly showed a tumor the size of a football growing from her liver. The vet said that it would be quick since it was a rapid growing tumor and gave us signs to look for that it was "time".

I went home devastated. I texted my family that we were going to lose her within weeks or maybe days. We tried to prep Ainsley for the loss of another animal (chicken deaths have been plenty this summer!) And the tumor did grow. It stretched her loose skin to the point we thought she might rip open. She struggled to climb the stairs but that was the only sign of discomfort. We were just watching and waiting.

We went to the beach and had 2 different people split the week watching her. She did great at the first but by the time we came home and picked her up from the second I thought I was going to have to take her right to the vet. She had gone WAY down hill. Her stomach looked like she was a snake that had swallowed a mongoose. She couldn't breath. She was throwing up every time she ate. But I brought her home so Ainsley and Ryan could say goodbye.

3 hours passed and she seemed to perk up. So we decided against any decisions. Then about a week later Ryan asked me if her stomach was smaller. Sure enough it was. It was shrinking daily. And about 2 days ago we really looked at her. The tumor is GONE. COMPLETELY GONE! I called the vet. She stammered through a conversation telling me she was shocked and happy and yet had not even an inkling of a guess to what had happened. She assured me it could not have ruptured or she would have died almost immediately.

So today we sit amazed at our little miracle dog. She's fine. She's eating. She's happy. She's climbing stairs. She's very much alive.

Miracles can happen and not just to people.

So Far

2011-07-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

After having the miscarriage in November, I thought that being pregnant again would be the best thing ever. And while we are very excited, it hasn't been the best thing ever.

Ainsley's pregnancy was so easy. I was naive and just assumed everything was fine at every turn. I never got sick and had very little symptoms. Although I didn't feel her move until 20 weeks, I didn't know any different. Each checkup brought excitement and wonderful anticipation. This pregnancy has been 100% the opposite.

From the day that I found out I was pregnant, the anxiety hit. Actually, I knew I was pregnant a good week before I took the test. I am an early tester but this time I was determined to wait until I was sure I would get an accurate result. So at 4 weeks and 2 days, I took a test. If you know anything about pregnancy tests, you know you are supposed to do them first thing in the morning. Feeling like I had already waited an eternity, I didn't wait until morning and took my test after I got home from work. Before I could even put it down, the test came up blaring positive. I started to laugh but immediately the fear set in.

I told Ryan the exact same way I have told him each time. He got home from work and he met me in the kitchen. I handed him the test without saying a word and the look on his face was awesome, as it has been all 3 times.

But from that moment on, the anxiety has just grown. With each trip to the doctor, I have major panic and fear. It usually starts 2 to 3 days before my appointment. I start to doubt the pregnancy and fear the worst. Then the night before I usually end up not sleeping and feeling like a hot mess. My wonderful husband has been a rock star and continually lays hands on me and prays over me. It's the only thing that puts me at ease at all.

I have felt sicker this pregnancy than with either of the other 2. It seems to have hit at night around 4:00 to the time when I go to bed. This vegetarian could not stand the thought of cooked veggies. Not the ideal situation for sure. But through the sickness and shear exhaustion, I was able to thank God for signs that this pregnancy was indeed different.

We were able to go in for an ultrasound at 7.5 weeks and then heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks. I was scheduled for another ultrasound on July 11th. After a relaxing week away with family, I came back that Monday morning to another appointment and another round of anxiety. Ainsley and I were about 10 minutes away from getting to the doctor's office when my cell phone rang telling me that my appointment had been postponed a day.

Sounds like not a big deal but then I looked at the calendar. My ultrasound was now scheduled for what should have been my due date. This seemed to double the anxiety. I was already dreading that day but now I had the pressure of an ultrasound on top of it. What if something went wrong. Could I handle that on an already hard day?

There are 2 ultrasound techs at our doctors office. The one who told me we were miscarrying and the other one who has the sweetest heart. I schedule my appointments with the other one just out of fear. The one that told us we were miscarrying is fine and good at her job, but that image is permanently ingrained in my head. When the appointment was rescheduled I didn't even think about it. We got to the office and I saw her right away. I looked at Ryan, who seemed to be clueless as to what I was even talking about and asked him to pray again.

And everything was fine. And now I am not feeling as sick. I'm getting bigger by what seems to be the hour, although not according to the scale (which is awesome!). But I'm not feeling the baby move yet. And so the anxiety remains.

Looking back at the past year, I realize that my life is not in my control. I've lived my whole life that way. I say that I trust God but really I trust myself. And now I can't do that. I only have one option. Prayer and Faith in a good God. But a God who promises trials. A God who stretches us and helps us grow. A God who loves us and carries our burdens. And that's enough for me. I'm not responsible for carrying this burden and this anxiety. It's not mine to hold, just like this baby isn't mine to hold. It's His.

And that is a relief.

Past, Present, and Future

2011-07-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today I am mixed with emotions. When you think about your life, it easily breaks down into the past, the present, and the future. Lately when I think about my life, I think about it in those terms but how that relates to our children and our family.

Past
When I look at the past, I am thinking about the baby that was lost. Today was my due date. I think about what could have been. I can't help to think about the lessons and the growth that I have experienced as well. In times of great struggle, there is always room for great growth. I feel blessed to have the people in my life who continually have pointed me to the cross during this time.

Present
When I think about the present, I can't help but think about the child that I have in this world. Ainsley turned 3 last week. It's hard to believe that 3 years have already passed. She is sweet. She is loving. She is sassy. She is funny. She is full of innocence. She is pure-hearted. She is the greatest gift that I have ever been given.

Future
When I think about the future, I am now full of hope.

(Apparently I can't scan straight!).

Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow

Found

2011-06-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

I once was lost but now I'm found. - Anna Marie

I don't know where she was. I don't know where she came from. She just appeared as quickly as she disappeared. We are happy she is safe!

Crazy Like a Chicken

2011-06-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I hate being repetitive so I've taken a bit of a break. But I have some chicken craziness to talk about.

As you know, this winter/early spring we lost our chicken Amy Jo to an unfortunate accident. We decided to replace her and go 2 new chickens, Cindy Lou and Ginny Lee.

Here's Ginny Lee. She's kind of shy and won't come out of the coop unless you are far away.

The adjustment was going well. Ginny Lee and Cindy Lou hang out together and our older black chickens Sadie Mae and Peggy Sue hang out together. All was good in chicken world.

Then there was another incident. Peggy Sue broke her leg. We aren't really sure how it happened but she did. And there is no way we could fix it. We offered her to Ryan's coworker who works on a farm to eat. He came and got her one evening. In hopes that it wouldn't be too traumatic on Ainsley we told her that the chicken was going to live with God. (I know this theology is wrong and we will correct it eventually, but she's 2.) When they came to pick her up, we put her in box and nicely said goodbye. Ainsley later asked me why the man took our chicken if she was going to live with God. I told her she needed some help in getting there. That is when Ainsley responded with this classic line. "Is he going to take her to Sunday School?" Even now when we pass church on our way home from my nanny's house, she still says something about the chicken living there. Ooops. But I love the hearts of children.

Here is mother hen Sadie Mae and little chicken Cindy Lou.

Surprisingly Sadie Mae did not take Peggy Sue's departure well. She was making tons of noise and looking for her daily. So we decided to replace her too. On Tuesday we picked up Anna Marie. She is another black chicken. When we brought her home she was scared of her new environment, which we thought was normal. Sadie Mae just ignored her. Ginny Lee and Cindy Lou were not so nice. They would chase her around the coop and peck her until everyone was so tired they just went to sleep.

In order to spare Anna Marie some pecking, we let them loose in the yard. Last night we were late in getting Ainsley to bed and by the time Ryan went out to put Anna Marie in the coop (the rest go on their own), she was gone. He looked for her for a half an hour. And then I looked for her for 20 minutes. She's gone. We have looked in every bush and under the deck. She's just gone. We thought she would come out this morning. Nope. Still missing.

Here is all we have left of Anna Marie right now. A filthy box.

To Be Continued...

Hands

2011-05-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

There is something about hands. They are so distinct. I feel like if you know someone, you know their hands. You know the length of their fingers. You know how they keep their nails. You can picture them in your head.

The other day we were at lunch with Ryan's family. Ainsley was fascinated with Great Grandma's hands. It was like she was memorizing them. Maybe Ainsley knows deep down that Great Grandma, who is 91, won't be with us forever. Maybe she was taking that mental snapshot.

Or maybe she was just being a 2 year old interested in why Great Grandma's hands have so many wrinkles and bumps.

Either way, the snap shot is not only here now, but it's in my head. It will stay there forever because I love both of these people that belong to these hands.

You Taught Me

2011-05-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

You taught me to eat

You taught me to walk

You taught me my ABCs

You taught me to swim

You taught me to shuffle cards

You taught me to snap

You taught me to be a good friend

You taught me how to cross stitch

You taught me to eat spaghetti with a spoon

You taught me to bake

You taught me to study

You taught me how to grieve

You taught me how to work hard

You taught me how to let go

You taught me to not take myself too seriously

You taught me how to sew

You taught me how to manage my money

You taught me to make my own decisions

You taught me confidence

You taught me empathy

You taught me how to be a loving wife

You taught me patience

You taught me how to put family first

You taught me kindness

You taught me how to be a good mother

You taught me love

But most importantly, you taught me about Jesus.

Happy Mother's Day to the best Teacher in the world

Let it Grow

2011-05-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

I love the garden. I love watching it grow. I love harvesting. I love cooking with fresh ingredients. I love eating those wonderful fruits of our labor.

Yesterday I put the remaining parts of the garden in while Ainsley was napping. It was back breaking work but worth every but of sore muscles and sun burn. I did not have enough energy to weed between the rows. Who does that anyway?

There was one last plant that needed to be put in today. Ainsley's plant. It's a cherry tomato plant that Ryan got from a coworker. Ainsley has watched it grow inside and today it was time to put it in the ground. After church Ryan and Ainsley got in old clothes and ventured to the garden to plant the last plant.

It was so fun to watch her and Ryan out there working and fertilizing. Such a sweet memory.

I can't wait to start the harvest!

Find Those Eggs

2011-04-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling with what to put up on my blog. I have this general feeling that my blog should always be profound and deep. But sometimes my life isn't deep at all. Actually most of the time my life is commentated by a 2 year old. And life with a 2 year old can only be so profound.

So this post is exclusively about a 2 year old and her Easter Eggs. It made her smile so it made me smile.

We went to our church's Easter Egg hunt this past Saturday. They were calling for tornadoes so it was inside.

Patiently Waiting for it to Start

No Eggs Yet

Listening Carefully to What Pastor James is Saying

And He Lost Her

Look Carefully

"There Egg" - Each time she found an egg

She even found her good friend Karene

Checking out the Loot

Look Mommy - Candy!

And A Book About Jesus - Which she quickly declared that she loved.

Heading Home One Happy Girl

And we beat the storms home. Quite the Success!

Stuck

2011-04-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your life is stuck? Emotionally? Spiritually? Physically?

I have been stuck for months now. I had the miscarriage in late November. It's now the beginning of April. And I feel like I haven't moved since then.

I have been meeting with a woman from my church a couple times a month. We started meeting as I was in the throws of trying to get pregnant. Since I'm an open book, I told her about it from the beginning. Little did she know when she agreed to disciple me that she was walking into a mine field. And little did I know that I was inviting her to walk a very difficult road with me.

Fast forward to now. I have dealt with the sadness of the miscarriage. I have been stuck in the angry part of it for a while. Part of my anger has to deal with the fact that my body hasn't picked up physically since the miscarriage. It's in a perpetual state of limbo with no chance of moving forward.

But more of my anger has to do with this situation not being fair. I've been mad at God. And so I have turned my back and given Him the silent treatment. I haven't wanted to talk to Him about it because I was just so mad. How 2 year old tantrum of me.

And the other week when I was meeting with my friend she asked me if I was willing to let God change my heart. And my answer was that I wasn't willing to stay where I was. It wasn't the full blown YES that I think she or God wanted to hear but it has opened dialog.

And so I have been praying. And I am feeling less angry than I have in a long time even though my body is still not cooperating. But I'm taking steps to un-stick that too.

I'm moving forward slowly. It feels slow but it feels good. And that feels like enough right now.

I'm a Better Cook Than This

2011-03-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write about this story for a week now. Things have gotten in the way: a computer crash, a new computer, new photo editing software, puke. But now I'm home from work with a little girl who is still sick but sleeping.

A coworker of Ryan's and a friend of ours, recently had a baby. Baby Tyler is adorable and such a blessing after a very painful road. The least I could do was to bring her a meal. I set out to make my standard "New Mom Meal" - Homemade Mac N Cheese, Green Beans with Nuts, and some sort of a dessert. It was a busy day so my dessert was cookies baked from frozen dough. I know I know. It's not like me but I was in a bind and that's why I usually have some on hand.

I was multi-tasking for sure. I had the cookies in the oven, the pasta boiling, nuts in the toaster oven, and the green beans steaming. I kind of felt like Rachel Ray. This was my 30 minute meal (minus baking time for the mac n cheese.)

I got distracted and went to the other room for a minute or maybe 10. I have a toddler - these things happen. When I came back something smelled funny. It was then that it occurred to me that I never put water under the green beans and I was cooking them dry. Oops. I've done that a few times before and just added water after the fact and saved the green beans.

When I picked up the pot to bring it to the sink, I noticed that my stainless steel pot was literally melting. I'm talking liquid metal. I put it down on one of the other burners and quickly called Ryan. The pot had a glass lid on it which was now starting to pop and sounded like it was going to explode. By now my pasta needed to be drained and my cookies were ready to come out of the oven. I was scared to even go back in the kitchen.

I ran in quickly and drained my pasta, took my cookies out of the oven, and ran back to the safety of my family room. Boo!

Fast forward 45 minutes. My pot is cool and ruined.

I have 5 or 6 piles of hardened molten metal.

My green beans are in the trash. And so is my pot.

So what do I do? I finished my mac n cheese and started my green beans over again. With water this time. And they turned out perfect this time.

I thought for sure Ryan was going to sign me up for "Worst Cooks in America". But instead I was singing "Hip Hip Horray! Tracey saved the Day!(I think I've been watching too much Super Why) And the look of contentment on Ashley's face holding her sweet baby was worth my melted pot.

Made to be Obsolete

2011-03-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's hard to move on from Tragedy. But we have to. And from tragedy I have moved to complete irritation.

As my husband would tell you, my job is to "Do Computers". Actually in reality I am a software developer. What I know about computer hardware is by necessity only. I hate working on computer hardware issues. But it's part of my job. So I do it begrudgingly.

At home, we run a small health business. If you have never checked us out you should at www.RenewedHealth.com. And while you are at it, follow us on Facebook.

Alright...back on track and past the cheap ploys. We bought a computer a little over a year ago for our home use. All we do on it is surf, email, and the accounting for the business. It's really minimal usage because the last thing I want to do when I get home is get on the computer. (My iPhone is a different story. Don't get Ryan started on how much he wants to smash it. Addicted much?)

The computer has been working great. It should. It's just barely out of warranty. And then the power supply blew on it last night. And of course it's a "special" power supply that only the manufacturer can supply for way too much money.

It just irks me to no end that this manufacturer would purposely make parts that no one else does. It's like they are making parts and computers that are made to be obsolete.

And this got me thinking to what we have on this earth that doesn't wear out and become obsolete. Almost everything does. So here are my top 5 things that I plan on having for my lifetime:

1. My China - It's my Mom's china from when she got married. It's beautiful and special because it was hers.

2. My photo albums. - It's such a treasure to have all your memories documented, especially when my little girl is growing up sooo fast.

3. My stuffed lion that my grandmother gave me the Christmas before she died. I was 4. I named it Some because I only knew my grandma some. Not only is it a great childhood memory but it's a great reminder of love of family.

4. My Wedding Ring. - It signifies the most important earthly relationship I have.

5. My Bible. It's definitely there for the long haul. Since it is living and all.

Am I missing anything?

Tragedy

2011-03-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

It's hard not to think about Japan right now. The thought of everything that they are going through is mind boggling. We have been watching a lot of the coverage but it gets to be too much. And we turn it off. Because you can only take so much.

And then you turn it back on because how can you not watch as the world watches. It's hard to even imagine what it would even look like to see this. The devastation is huge.

But when it's just pictures of rubble it's easier to detach. And then you start to see the faces of the tragedy and the compassion just grows. This mother is clinging to her daughter and I can definitely relate to that.

In the past when there have been massive tragedies, like Haiti, it was just a disaster and a clean up (and I say "just" in the most sensitive way possible because we all know that wasn't just a small tragedy either). But this time the threats are continuous.

So we pray for these people who we don't know in a country on the other side of the world. And we weep with them. And we pray for mercy. Because they can't turn this tragedy off.

*pictures courtesy of www.USATODAY.com

While I'm Waiting

2011-02-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

Another month has passed and I'm still waiting.

And with each passing day I feel a little more like my life is passing by before me. That I'm wasting it thinking about what could have been, what should have been. And that is what I'm doing. Wasting.

Tonight on the way home from meeting with a friend I turned the radio on. I heard the last line of a song and it was all I needed to hear tonight. I turned the radio right off and contemplated what I was doing during this season of waiting.

God gave me the clear answer of what I should be doing.

"I will serve You while I'm waiting. I will worship while I'm waiting" - John Waller

In case you have never heard the song before, here's a video.

Back to Reality

2011-02-22T15:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I'm not hitting my 5 blogs a month this month unless something very dramatic happens in the next 6 days.

Since my last entry Ryan and I went to Mexico with his company. It was a great time full of relaxation, guacamole, spa treatments, pretty dresses, blue lagoons (that's a drink that left my tongue blue for days if you were wondering), and good times with friends.

It started out a little rough when I dropped Ainsley off the night before we were supposed to leave at my faithful nanny, Mary Beth's house. The drop went well and we were all packed by 10:00 ready to leave for the airport at 5:45 the next morning.

I got the dreaded call at 10:20pm that night that Ainsley was sick and throwing up. She had gotten the stomach bug. I have to say that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - listen to my child cry for me over the phone, knowing that I couldn't go to her. Mary Beth earned sainthood that night as Ainsley continued to be sick every 20 - 30 minutes until 4:00 am. It was horrible. But we knew it was a quick moving bug and she would be fine by the time we got to Mexico. And she was.

And we were able to really relax. And it was amazing. And my hair grew exponentially. And I ate this soup that was half cream of spinach and half cream of tomato and stayed seperate but in the same bowl. How cool.

We got back late on Sunday night to go to a full work week ahead. I was catching up on my laundry when my dryer broke. It's been on it's last leg for years and needed to be replaced desperately, but definitely not the week after vacation when the laundry back up was so high. So I did what any sane person would do, I bought more laundry baskets...and a new dryer.

It felt like we were finally catching up when Saturday night I came down with the same stinking stomach bug that Ainsley had a week and half earlier. Kick my butt and knock me upside the head. That stunk. It was the worst I have been sick since who knows when. Yikes. The mommy guilt for leaving Ainsley hit a little harder too. But I'm recovering. And I have lost all the weight I gained in Mexico.

And tomorrow looks like just a normal day. Thank goodness for that.

Although I wish this was still the view out of my bedroom window.

Release

2011-02-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to Christian radio in the mornings on my way to work. Now that Ainsley is old enough to remember songs and understand what people are saying, I feel it's necessary to make sure that she hears wholesome truth.

Since New Years they have been talking about picking a word for the year, something that describes what you want your year to encompass.

So this year I am choosing the word RELEASE.

My whole life I have struggled with releasing my plans and trusting in God's plan. This has become particularly apparent since the miscarriage. I had this plan of what our family was supposed to look like. I wanted 2 kids less than 3 years apart. And when I got pregnant back in October I knew that God had signed on to my plan. My children were going to be exactly 3 years apart. Perfect.

Then we lost the baby. And one of the hardest things for me has been letting go of the plan. The ideal. It's gone. And with each day that passes, it gets further away from my plan. And I have been thinking about it like that for 2 months now.

Then in Sunday school at church this week we were talking about idols. And how we can take a healthy desire and move it into a demand. And that is what I have done. I've been mad that my plan is ruined. And it has made me a bitter and inpatient woman. I am much shorter with my husband and little girl. I'm not happy. I'm just not in a good place. It's like a glorified temper tantrum because I didn't get what I want.

And so this morning they were talking about the words for the year again. Prior to today I had no real thought of actually picking a word for myself. And then God gave me one. It was crystal clear. And I can't get it out of my head.

RELEASE.

And so my prayer for the year is that He will grow me in a way that I can learn to release my desires to Him and that He can show me His desires for my life. I want to think that with each day that passes I am further on His plan. I can't wait to see how He uses this word in my life over the next year.

Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I Hate Rodents

2011-01-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

You all know we have chickens. I'm not a huge fan of animals that flap but these 3 have grown on me.

What you may not know is that I don't like small animals. Ferrets, hampsters, guinea pigs, mice are all on my list. I hate them. Nasty.

Today I was outside giving the dogs a bath and Ryan asked me to feed the chickens and check for eggs. I opened up the door and I saw a fluffy rodent and screamed and ran like a little girl.

(Sorry it's in black and white. I was working on portraits of Ainsley)

I asked Ryan to kill it but since it was only a "baby" he couldn't. So he hit it with the hose.

It ran away too slowly if you ask me.

And climbed the fence.

And walked the fence for what felt like forever.

And then it went home to tell it's mother where to find fresh chicken meat. I hope we don't regret the decision to spray it away later. I know Amy Jo, Sadie May, and Peggy Sue hope so too.

Like a Fish

2011-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

My mother in law has a pool in her backyard so we decided it would be a good idea to get Ainsley in swimming lessons this winter/spring to get her more comfortable with the water. Ryan was on the swim team when he was 5 and loved swimming. We wanted to pass that love of water on to her.

We have been going to the Y every Saturday with Ryan's coworker, Megan and her little boy Colton. Ainsley loves it every Saturday.

Seeing that I just got my new camera on Thursday, I brought it to the class this morning and snapped over 200 pictures. Yikes! I won't bore you with that but how about 5?

Daddy getting her excited before class even starts

Megan and Colton

On the Kick Board

Daddy must have said something funny

Worn out in the car ride home

Walk the Road

2011-01-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough week for me both personally and professionally.

Yesterday about lunch time I was really thinking that I need a glass of wine. Which got me to thinking, is that really what I am craving? Am I craving something to just numb my heart?

I don't think so. I am craving Jesus. I was on the phone with my mother and she told me to read my Jesus Calling for the day. And it fit. Like it usually does. And I was reminded that I belong to Jesus.

And even though I did have a glass of wine last night, it wasn't there to fix my problem. And I'm not fixed. But at least I know who I am walking the road with.

Meet Me in Mexico

2011-01-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of my husband. He qualified for his company trip again this year. If you remember, last year we went on a cruise. It was so fun and I so enjoyed getting to spend time with his fabulous coworkers. I have to say that Jody, Caroline, Mindy and I had a blast. Oh the husbands did too but who is kidding who. Girls know how to have fun and I loved hanging out with these women.

This year we are going to Mexico. I can't wait. Last year we ended up on spring break (aka..SB O 10) This year will be a much quieter trip on the beach. And we have more people going this year too which should make it more fun.

And this year it's at an all inclusive spa and resort. I'm not usually a spa kind of girl but after the year I've had, I'm ready for some pampering.

So I am prepping for my trip. Last year I went on a diet. And I was successful. I had a plan and I lost the weight.

And this year I just am not in the mood to lose weight. I have some to lose. But in light of the past few months, I'm going to offer myself some grace and skip the diet this year.

So I'm prepping in a different way. I told you that the trip is all inclusive. So I'm in training of a different sort. Having recently been pregnant, my wine tolerance is very low.

Cheers!

Peace Out 2010. Bring it 2011

2011-01-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

2010 is over. It was a year of great ups and great downs. As I look back it's been good to see God's faithfulness in both. We are incredibly blessed to be able to praise the one who deserves it.

My favorite moments of the year came in both the happy and the sad.

My happiest moments of the year came with each step of my little girl into toddler hood. It really isn't a specific moment but a culmination of moments. There is nothing that gives me more joy in life than observing her grow; from watching her learn to use the potty, to sleeping in a big girl bed, to growing in her vocabulary. She even learned some Bible verses this year. Having this special little girl in my life has been a true gift and one that I am thankful to God for every day.

My other favorite moment came in my darkest hour. God gave me a gift in the moment that I learned that our baby had left to be with Him. As the ultrasound tech told me that the baby had passed away, my first thought was "You give and take away. My heart will choose to say...Lord blessed be Your name". Obviously this thought was not my own. It was a gift from the Holy Spirit. And it is something I will treasure in my heart forever.

So as 2011 begins, there are a few things that I would like to do this year. I'm not going to call them resolutions or goals but rather just a nice little list of things that I would like to do.

Be there for someone who has suffered a miscarriage. Unfortunately this happens way to often and I pray that God will open the door for me to serve someone else who has to go through this.
Hang out with my girlfriends more
Learn to put make up on from someone who really knows how. Seriously I'm 33 years old and I don't know how to do it.
Blog at least 5 times a month
Let my husband know more often just how much I appreciate him

And with that...Good bye 2010. Hello 2011.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

The presents have been bought and wrapped (one was even assembled). We have been to church and sang Silent Night (I choked up as I looked at the sweet little girl standing next to me lit by the light of a candle). I have listened to my husband read the Christmas story out of Luke. Ainsley is all snug in her bed. Ryan and I are watching It's a Wondeful Life on tv.

There is only one thing left to do.

Wish you a very Merry Christmas from our family.

Especially this sweet girl.

Merry Christmas!

Silent Night

2010-12-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirl wind month. There has been heart break. There was a party or 2. There was some shopping. There was a lot of eating. There was some wine. The was some sickness.

And there was some sleep. Thankfully I have resumed what I would consider almost normal sleeping patterns. After weeks of getting 4-5 hours a night, it dropped to 2 consecutive nights of 2 hours. At that point I gave up and called the doctor for a prescription for Ambien.

It worked like a charm. I took it for 5 days to catch up. I took my last one the night before our party. I had one restless night of sleep after that and now I have resumed sleeping like I was before the miscarriage.

So now that it's 4 days until Christmas I am finally looking forward to celebrating quietly at home. Well maybe not quietly. We do have a 2 year old who thinks Santa and Baby Jesus are coming to her house.

I think what I am looking forward to the most is Christmas Eve service when the lights go down and the candles are lit. Silent Night will be played. It's in that quiet moment that I find the most reverence for the Season. It's my time to think about the not so quiet moments when Mary was giving birth to Jesus (I've been through birth. It's not quiet and peaceful). And to think about how Jesus left heaven and all it's glory to be born in a stable full of stinky animals, knowing that some day he would have to die for us.

All because He loved me. And you.

So celebrate we will. Merry Christmas.

Choosing Joy

2010-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

At moments like this in life joy doesn't come easily. Even though Christmas has exploded around us, my heart is weary. I am still not sleeping (4 hours total in the past 2 days). Ainsley and I both have colds. I have a party at my house on Saturday for over 50 people. To say that I am worn to the bone would be an understatement.

I know I have every excuse to choose to be grumpy this Christmas Season. But I am choosing joy. Because I have to. I am called to. Otherwise this would be in vain.

And thankfully I don't have to find that Joy within myself. That Joy comes from Our Savior. And that is something to celebrate.

In My Dreams

2010-12-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone has been asking how I have been doing. I try to give the answer that I'm OK. For the most part that's how I feel. OK. Not good. Not bad. OK.

During the days I have things to keep me occupied. There is the precious 2 year old who requires my love and attention. There is my job. There is our Christmas party which is in less than 2 weeks. (Yikes!!!)

They are all distractions. Things that make me not think about what is going on. I keep saying that baking is therapeutic. And it is. But it doesn't make me pregnant. It doesn't bring the baby back.

So every night I go to sleep with hopes that this will be the night that I get a good night sleep and that I will wake up feeling normal again. And every night I toss and turn and sleep for short periods of time.

And now I have started to dream. Not the sweet dreams of cribs and baby bellies. But dreams of ultrasounds and that blank stare from the technician as she sees the empty womb. The one where she hasn't said anything yet but you can see it all over her face that something is wrong. And dreams of having to deliver a dead baby. And holding that dead baby which in my dreams is usually just a skeleton. Not so much dreams. More like nightmares.

And I wake up restless and tired. To start a new day of saying that I'm OK.

So if you are someone who prays, please pray for me to sleep soundly with no nightmares. Pray for rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28

Hands and Feet of Jesus

2010-12-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Due to some bad timing 2/3 of my family is out of the country. That left us to fend for ourselves during this difficult season. But Jesus sent some people into our lives the past week to care for us in ways that we could not have even asked for. I'm trying to come up with a list but if I have forgotten someone, I am deeply sorry. My mind isn't the clearest right now.

MaryBeth - Not only is she my nanny but she's a wonderful friend. She has spoken Truth and comfort to me over the past week. She has walked this path before and has been crucial in giving Ainsley some extra TLC this week.
Anne - Over the past years Anne has become a second mother to me. This week she really stepped up and cared for me like only a mother could
Mary - What started as a client/patient relationship over 2 years ago has turned into a wonderful friendship. Mary was our doula for Ainsley's birth and her experience in this area of loss is too familiar. She has sent me endless texts of encouragement and love
Amy - She was the first one to know I was pregnant. A coworker and also a friend. She has listened to me and helped me through a few long days at work this week.
Jessica - She's about to birth herself and yet has put many of those emotions aside this week to care for me. She definitely is a BFF.
Lindsay - She's a friend from long ago who loves me deeply. A note in the mail came at the perfect time. It was like a gift directly from Jesus.
Sarah - When I needed a meal, she provided us with one. She has such a tender heart and when she says she's praying for you, you know it's true.
Kate - As my oldest friend, she stepped up big time. She literally has a 1 week old. And yet she took the time out of the sleepless nights to stop and call me. I was the first non-family member she called since the birth of her adorable son Charlie. To say this meant a lot would be an understatement.
Wendy - My sister Wendy is the only family member I have in the country right now. While she doesn't know the loss personally she has walked many of her friends through the same thing. She has been my protector since the day I was born and she has been there for me like no one else during this time.
Our Homegroup - We have a small home group from our church that meets once a week and has so for years. This group of people has walked beside us through many things and will continue to do so. What a gift it is to share this life with a group of fellow believers
Community of Women Who Have Walked the Path - This is not an exclusive club. There are so many women who have walked the path that I am on now. The notes and emails have been endless. The support of this group of women is invaluable. This experience has brought me a new perspective on loss and to share it with this group of women is an incredible yet difficult gift.
Countless People Praying - There are so many people praying for our family right now. I couldn't even begin to list them. But each prayer has been a gift to us. We feel loved and prayed over like we never have been before.
Ainsley - The best thing that I could have during this time was a sweet 2 year old looking to me for love and support. This week has been hard on her. Children have a way that they know that something is wrong. And yet their lives need to go on. And to me that's a gift. I can't drown in my sorrow and bring this sweet innocent girl down with me. She has a heart of gold and nothing has made me feel better during this time that the sweet hugs and kisses that only she can give.
Ryan - It's hard to even put into words the strength that this man of God that I have married has given me over the past week. While he is grieving this loss too, he has given me such unconditional love and support. He has taken over everything from watching Ainsley to house hold chores to pretty much everything. And the whole time he has been willing to listen to me cry and to hold me and even to be snapped at. He's my rock and my protector. I count it a privilege every day that I get to walk this journey of life with him.

So thank you friends. You have shown me Jesus this week.

Matthew 25:37-40

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Hidden Pain

2010-11-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

I've been kind of quiet over the past month. There is a reason.

It started with a call from the doctor in October saying that no I did not need to take the progesterone I had a prescription for to get my period to start up again. I needed to take a different form of progesterone to help sustain a very early pregnancy. This was something we wanted and we were looking forward to but since I hadn't had a period since August, it was the last thing I expected. I actually didn't believe the midwife when she called. I had to take one of these to prove it to myself.

I had some more blood work done and it seemed that everything was going as expected. We scheduled an early ultrasound for November 11th to come up with a solid due date.

That ultrasound showed a gestational sac but no fetus. They estimated that I was 5 weeks and 2 days along and that I should come back in 1 week for another ultrasound to make sure that things were progressing. July 12th 2011. There was a hint of doubt in the midwife's tone but we remained positive.

We went back for that ultrasound and I was so nervous. At this point, I wasn't expecting things to be going well. I was surprisingly shocked to see a baby and a heart beat of 110 beats per minute. I thought that was pretty good and we left the ultrasound to see the midwife. We were feeling pretty good. I mean isn't this the cutest thing you have ever seen.

But the midwife informed me that 110 bpm wasn't as high as they liked to see and that they were going to need to see me back again in a week for another ultrasound. Things were not looking as good as we had hoped.

Ryan and I remained positive. I had a peace that only God could give. I actually didn't think about the negative side of things for a whole week.

We went back for the ultrasound on November 24th. The day before Thanksgiving. I went in kind of cocky and thinking very much about all the things I had to be thankful for.

Quickly my mood changed when the ultrasound tech could no longer find a fetus and a heartbeat. The baby was dead and so were my hopes. Devastated does not even begin to describe it.

But I am refusing to grieve in silence. This happens to so many women. My midwife says it's about 1 in 3 pregnancies. And yet you never know of people having miscarriages until you say something about your experience.

So as I wait for the baby to "pass", I am not going to grieve in silence. It feels like it would cheapen the life that lived for so short a time. That life was my child. That life gave us great joy. And that life is with Jesus. And I will get to see that life again someday.

I love you my sweet little baby. You will never be silenced or forgotten.

Time Does Indeed Fly

2010-11-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

I just sent out the Evite for our annual Christmas dessert party. It's my 5th year doing it. It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that we will be celebrating our 5th Christmas back in NC and yet it's hard to fathom that we ever lived in NY.
The best gauge of how fast time is going is by watching our little girl grow up. 5 years ago she was a thought and a hope. 4 years ago she was a strong desire of my heart. 3 years ago she was about the size of a blueberry. 2 years ago she was an infant. Last year she was stumbling around having just learned to walk. And now she is a full blown toddler.

Case in point...

Last night I put my baby to bed for the last time in her crib. (Side note, do you notice how she made her bear sleep on his tummy just like she does?)

And today she is napping in her Big Girl Bed.

Oh my heart. Time does fly but I can honestly say that we have enjoyed every second of it.

Now excuse me while I have a panic attack because I just sent out 96 invites to a party in my house in less than a month and I haven't even begun to think about the menu.

My Kitchen is Filled

2010-10-22T14:14:00.000-07:00

When I got married I was 22. I had lived in a dorm room or an apartment by myself since I had left for college. I didn't cook and I didn't bake. When I registered my mother almost had a heart attack. My registry was horrible. My mom tried to convince me to put more things on it and that indeed I would want these things later in life. I didn't agree so I didn't change it.

Each year after that my mom would give me things for my kitchen. I didn't use them so I donated a bunch of them each time we moved (which was 4 times in 6 years).

Then I started cooking. And baking. And we started the tradition of our Christmas party. And I didn't have anything. Regret set in big time. So I've slowly been accumulating some but my kitchen has been lacking. My mother has given me things for Christmas and birthdays and I haven't donated them (and she never once has said I told you so because she is so full of grace).

And then recently my friend Joy started selling Pampered Chef. After going to a few parties, I decided to host a show. And we all know that I'm an over-achiever and a tad competitive. So I decided to really go for it. I have to say that it wasn't hard at all.

The order came in today. This is all stuff for everyone else. It's over $900 worth of stuff.

And here is my stuff (with the exception of 1 gift that I purchased). I got $434 worth of stuff for $100! And I feel like my kitchen is mostly filled. I'm always up for cool kitchen stuff and what an easy way to get a ton of stuff for free and super cheap.

I can't wait to cook dinner tonight!

Imperfectly Perfect

2010-10-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Today is my husband's 35th birthday. So often we read in the blog world how perfect a husband is. We all know that's not true. So today I want to celebrate my Imperfectly Perfect husband. And here's why...

You push my buttons BUT you push me to be a better person

You can act like a child BUT you father with love and strength

You work late BUT you have the strongest work ethic of anyone I know

You won't play my "what if" games BUT you lead our family with logic and integrity

You compulsively lock the doors BUT you protect our family

You sing the wrong lyrics to songs BUT you entertain me

You follow a crazy diet BUT you love my cooking

You talk to everyone on the phone but me BUT you pursue your friends and family with great consistency

You don't flush the toilet BUT you value God's creation

You make comments for shock value BUT you are grounded in Truth

You don't cry BUT you comfort me when I do

You pick on me BUT you picked me

I love you Imperfectly Perfect Husband. Happy 35th Birthday!

The Name Has Passed

2010-10-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, my mother used to call me Tracey Pumpkin. Most times it would come out as Tracey Punkin. It's always nice to have a nickname. It was something super special to me because I was the youngest of 3 girls.

When we had Ainsley, my mother started calling the baby her Ainsley Punkin. It is such a sweet place in my heart that she passed that name and love on to my child.

In addition to our Friday lunch date, I took Ainsley to the farmers market to pick out a pumpkin. They had a pumpkin house and a couple cut out faces. She had a blast running around. My heart was full of the love that my mother passed to me and that I can now pass to my Ainsley Punkin.

Monkey See Monkey Do

2010-10-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago we had our friends come to visit. They have a 2 year old boy named Jack that is 2 weeks younger than Ainsley. It was adorable to see them together. Ryan wanted to play Simon Says with them and here are the results. Too cute...

Smile

How Big are You?

Rub your belly

Touch Your Nose

Touch Your Toes

Wiggle Your Ears

Hug Each Other

Too Late Now

2010-10-08T14:11:00.001-07:00

I just realized that the word "butt" is in my blog address

That is all.

Seasons Change

2010-10-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

The seasons are changing. The heat of the summer is past and the crisp fall air has arrived.

This summer my goal was to store the fresh life of summer in all the ways that I could so that we could enjoy it into the fall and winter. I've canned tomatoes. I've made pickles. I've frozen pesto. And today I took the remnants of the garden and made 6 quarts of vegetable broth to freeze.

And now it's time to rest and reset before the harshness of winter comes in. Even our chickens are taking a break. They are in molting, a process where they shed their feathers, stop laying eggs, and start a new.

Most of my friends and family spend the early parts of fall decorating their homes with the oranges and yellows that make up the colors of fall. I don't do this. Part of the reason is I just don't like orange. But there is a bigger reason. I need some time to breath.

And this fall it seems especially appropriate. I have a lot going on in my head right now. There is anxiety and fear. I've been distracted from things that are really important.

So I'm excited to just relax and enjoy the next few months. To take in the colors that God gives us. To take in the nourishment of the seasons past. To enjoy the blessings of today.

Definitely Not a Baby Anymore

2010-09-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

I knew she was growing up. I just didn't think it would be this fast.

First kiss at 26 months. Yikes. I'm in for it when this cutie gets older.

Big Girl Room - Update

2010-09-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

I scoured the area looking for Ainsley's full initials. For some reason, everywhere was out of K. I decided to go with her fun name instead. Here's a picture.

Big Girl Room

2010-09-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

I have been recently working on Ainsley's "Big Girl Room". I have no plans to move her in there just yet but I wanted her to be able to get used to seeing it before we actually move her in there.

My vision started with a color. Purple. Then I thought about adding butterflies to it. So I googled Purple Butterfly bedding. I found this amazingly cute set.

The room that went from blue with an earth tone bedspread with furniture that was unfinished (I should have taken before pictures but it was really almost too embarrassing) has turned into this...

I am going to put her initials on the wall above the bed but need to order them. Everywhere I went they were out of at least one letter that I need.

The furniture, which was unfinished, was mine when I was a kid. And before that it was in my grandparents house. It's really old and I've been trying to get the motivation to refinish it. Guess I found it. It's now a pretty white.

The bookshelf is actually a glass case with the glass removed. Right now it has knickknacks on it but it will hold books and stuffed animals once she moves in.

This desk is actually a vanity. It has a mirror but it needs new glass and it needs to be painted. I'll be working on that in a bit. One of my favorite things about this room is that wicker stool. And that lamp needs a new shade. I'm working on it!

Her favorite part of this room is this pink hook rug that I got at Target. I envision her playing on it for years to come.

And now comes the hard part of forcing her to be a baby for as long as I can. This mama isn't ready to let go.

To Prove or Improve

2010-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

It seems everywhere I turn lately there have been discussions on conflict. Like most people, conflict is something that I don't enjoy and have been hurt by in the past.

Last night in my small group it was my turn to give my testimony. Much of my testimony revolved around my relationship with a family member when I was younger. We would fight. We would scream. We would cry. It was really a hurtful time for both of us.

Yesterday the sermon at church was about Moral Courage in respect to conflict. Our pastor was talking about how much courage it takes to have Biblical conflict. There is a cost and yet there can be great reward as well.

When I got to work today I was reading my daily email from Proverbs 31 ministries. It spoke of using conflict as an opportunity to grow.

In combination with yesterday's sermon, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every conflict that I had with my family member was about being right. It was about winning an argument. It was my competitive spirit (which is a topic for another day) that I used as an excuse to push the arguments further. And frankly, it was the same trait in my family member as well.

And over the years we have both grown. And we have forgiven. And we have learned to love in order to improve and not just to prove. Amen and Amen!

Ouch

2010-09-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm in Tennessee visiting my sister and her family. We drove over here on Friday for a long weekend.

We got here around dinner time on Friday and were enjoying the time with cousins. They were running around and just having a great time. We ended up getting the kids ready for bed kind of late. My nephew John Mark was reading a story to both Ainsley and Riley. They were being silly and Ainsley bounced right off the bed. I made the remark that she figuratively and literally hit the wall. I put her to bed and she settled quickly.

After waking up at 12 and again at 5:30, we were both tired on Saturday. Funny thing was that she wouldn't move. She just sat there. Then she started crawling everywhere. It was like I was going through the stages of infant development all over again.

So here it is Sunday and she's still not walking. Poor girl is hurt. Of course with each passing moment that she doesn't start walking, I start to worry more. And Ryan is worried sick since he's at home and can't see her to actually assess the damage.

After church today we took her to the urgent care. After 4 x-rays, the verdict is no broken bones. They believe that she twisted something or pulled something when she fell off the bed.

Good news is that she's going to be ok. Bad news is I have to carry her around everywhere. But I am thankful that she's still acting as cute as ever with her cousins.

Was I Even There?

2010-09-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

Part of being a mom is taking pictures. I was looking over the vacation pictures and there are a ton of everyone but me.

All the cousins...

Nana...

Papa...

The Dogs...

Ainsley...

Ainsley and Ryan...

Ainsley and Ryan (do you see the pattern)...

I did at one point ask Ryan to take a picture of Ainsley and I. Here's what I got...

Guess I'll stick with the self portrait...

Looks like everyone had a great time. Although it's not really captured, I was there and had fun too!

An Average Day in the Woods

2010-08-31T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last week we were on vacation. We were in the Adirondack mountains in NY, a place I love more than anywhere in the world. It's beautiful. There are mountains and lakes and trees and all kinds of good nature.

The weather wasn't perfect to say the least while we were up there. But the weather was decent for a hike. Ryan and I love to hike and be in the woods. Every year we end up doing the same hike, which is crazy because the Adirondacks are full of all kinds of different hikes with different views.

This time we decided to go up Pillsbury Mountain instead of our normal hike. It's 1.6 miles to the top and classified as moderately difficult. We figured not a problem.

We grabbed our friend Todd and off we went. We quickly discovered 3 things. 1 - Moderately difficult meant pretty much straight up. 2 - We were not in shape. 3 - Lots of rain in the previous days meant lots of slippery rocks.

But we pressed on. We stopped a lot and enjoyed the different mushrooms (to look at not ingest) and even found a geocache. We figured we would get to the top and see this gorgeous view. That's what the Adirondacks are about.

After what seems like forever we got to the top and this is what we saw...

An abandoned cabin in a clearing with trees blocking the view. But there was also this...

A fire tower 9 flights high with rickety platforms and sketchy chicken wire that got shorter the higher you went up to hold you in. Oh and dark skies that were obviously going to produce rain.

I am not afraid of heights but Ryan is. So I went first and quickly climbed to the top carrying my camera and my phone in my hand. I planned on tweeting from the top because I am that nerd. I made it up there and then looked down. It was really high. And the wind was gushing. And it was cold. And it was raining. And it was super scary. Like I almost peed my pants scary.

After getting to the 8th level, Ryan quickly ran down. He then started yelling at me to get down and something about a gust of wind taking me right off of the tower. But I had to get pictures. So here's my best shaky attempt at a view....

I can't imagine how much better this would have looked on a clear day. But it was raining and I was pretty sure that I couldn't hold my phone, my camera and the 2 foot chicken wire fence at the same time.

I quickly shoved my camera and phone in my bra and inched my way down. What took me 3 minutes to climb took me 15 minutes to descend. I did stop at about level 4 to get a self portrait...

Nice hair. And my eyes are watering like crazy. And then we were happy to be on the ground....

And by the time we cautiously descended the steep climb back to the car we were exhausted and ready for a hot shower...

Well, everyone but this guy...

Way to go Tucker the Wonder Pug! What other 11 year old pug could have made it up that mountain and still have a spring in his step at the bottom.

What I Pictured

2010-08-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

Earlier this summer we went to the beach with friends. While we had a great time, Ainsley did not. She got suntan lotion in her eyes and didn't like the water or the sand. She actually fell asleep on a towel within 5 minutes of being there. I was totally disappointed. It wasn't what I pictured a 2 year old's experience on the beach to be.

This past weekend we went back to the beach with Ryan's Dad and his fiance Deb. This time I was more careful with the sunscreen and it was exactly what I pictured.

Fun with Grampy

Swimming with Daddy

Fistfuls of Sand

Beach Toys

Potty Break

Mommy's Girl

Family Swim

Enough Said

Rules are Meant to be Broken

2010-08-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have a rule. Don't cry at work. I put it in place when I started working. It shows weakness. I've never really broken the rule before.

Today I'm breaking it. I can't seem to stop crying at work.

My nanny Anne who has watched Ainsley with an exception of a 2 month window since I started back to work, informed me that she can no longer watch her. (And I can't even type that without crying - Dang). Her reasons are valid and I know that she's as disappointed as I am. She loves Ainsley like a granddaughter.

When Anne started watching Ainsley I never imagined I would grow so close to her. She's like another mother to me and she's also one of the best friends I've ever had. It is just an added bonus that she would watch Ainsley twice a week.

It's more than just childcare to me. It's a relationship that started with her taking care of my child and has turned into one of my most valued relationships. It's about mentoring. It's about laughter. It's about fun. It's about learning things. It's about venting. It's about sharing. It's about faith. It's about unconditional love.

And now my heart is broken. I know that she's still one of my best friends and nothing can change that. But things change when routine changes.

And so I'm crying at work. And somehow I just don't care about weakness anymore.

I Need a Break

2010-08-09T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in a slump. I can't think of anything to write these days. It seems my thoughts are still wrapped up in potty training and I know how much everyone else wants to hear about that. Let me just say, I'm worn out and my patience is thin.

I looked through my previous posts to see if I could find inspiration. I kept getting stuck looking at the vacation posts. The cruise. The trip the lake last year.

I see those pictures and it speaks to me. The quiet. The peace. The relaxation. The time with people I love.

And I know it's not just a physical vacation my heart needs. It's the spiritual too. My soul longs to just be quiet. To be at peace with my Jesus. To relax in His presence. To feel His love around me. To learn from Him.

We have been thinking through ideas of what we can do on our upcoming vacation to add adventure. And now I'm thinking about how I can add some quiet too.

And the best part is that I don't have to wait for a vacation to get it. Jesus, you and I have a date tonight.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

July Has Gone and Left Good Memories

2010-08-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

I don't have the discipline to do it every month, but this month I kept track of my good things each day.
In the midst of some crazy and sad things, it's a nice reminder to see how blessed I am.

So here goes...

1 Accomplished much at work

2 Hung out with Laura at the children's museum and loved the new edible landscapes

3 Made pickles

4 Hung out with friends at Joy's house for a fun 4th celebration

5 Made good strides with the potty training

6 My little girl danced her way into toddlerhood

7 Good time sitting around the table at my nanny's house when I picked Ainsley up.

8 Big Brother starts. Ahh reality smut.

9 Met with a friend to learn more about search engine optimization. Here's hoping Renewed Health Supply takes off

10 Going away party for our wonderful friends. Blessed to know them

11 Last home group with said friends. Bittersweet. So excited for them but sad for the void they will leave

12 New iPhone delivered. At last!

13 First workout in forever.

14 Still loving the new phone. How was I living before?

15 Baseball with Ryan's coworkers

16 Baseball with my coworkers - a tad much baseball for one weekend but the people were so fun.

17 My BFF's birthday

18 Lively homegroup discussion about the gospel

19 The drama of the Tour De France is almost too much to handle

20 Sweet voicemail from my sweet 2 year old.

21 First accident free day

22 Ahhh Thursday night.

23 Lonnie's birthday party with friends

24 Reunion with friends from days gone by

25 Ainsley loved the pool more than anything I've ever seen before

26 Much accomplished at work

27 Made major progress in Operation Change the Guest Bedroom into Ainsley's Big Girl Room

28 Watched Joy make a trifle that was so pretty and didn't have any meat in it

29 Best Eviction speech ever by a Big Brother houseguest. Miss you Captain Kosher

30 Finished Ainsley's furniture with Anne

31 Canned 40 lbs of tomatoes with Laura. Wow that was a lot of work.

And with that, another month has passed...

Are We Rich?

2010-07-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

I don't usually do recap or event driven blog posts but this weekend was so full that I just had to share. Putting it all together paints a big picture.

Friday was a day of prep for the weekend. I was given a last minute batch of tomatoes and just had to can them. They were free people! I ran some errands, baked some brownies, and even snuck in some cuddles with my precious 2 year old.

Friday night we got to celebrate my sweet mother in law. She turned 60 and her husband threw her a surprise party. It was great to be able to celebrate her life and the friends and family that love her so well. And man was she surprised which made it so much more fun!

Saturday I spent the morning with Kendra from http://www.myfirstkitchen.net/ learning to cook vegetables. I LOVE her blog and when she posted that she was doing a cooking class on vegetables, I was the first to sign up. Wow. I can't wait to try all these new recipes and methods!

Saturday night we drove to our old stomping ground and had a reunion of sorts with our old friends. We were all in a small group together at church when we were all newlyweds and no one had kids. Now we are a group of 16 adults and 17 children. What a group we had back then and what a blessing they all are still today. It's amazing to me how much can change and stay the same at the same time.

Sunday after church we met together with family for brunch. We were sending my sister in law off to start her first real job in Atlanta. I can't believe that when I met her she was 5 and now she's a grown up with a grown up job. I'm so proud. Here's a picture of her from Friday night. And yes, she looks just like her mom.

We rounded out the night with a church pool party. We were at a city pool with all kinds of fun fountains and slides. I think my child has never had more fun.

When I was little, I used to ask my mother if we were rich. Her answer was always the same. "We are rich in friends and love" Truer words have never been spoken.

A Connection to the Past

2010-07-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been thinking quite a bit about how many things that our mothers and grandmothers did that I don't know how to do. It's really sad to me that we are losing some of these valuable skills that they had. And what is it in favor of? Convenience and ease.

I already know how to make bread, bake, knit, and crochet. And so this summer I have gone on an adventure of teaching myself a new "old" skill. Canning.

It's really quite addicting. I love looking at those jars of food all ready for use in the pantry. There is something rewarding about seeing the fruits of your labor. And I have more tomatoes lined up and plans to can them with my friend Laura. How exciting.

In case you were wondering, that's black beans, pickles, and tomato sauce.

And so today I celebrate the gift of learning something "old". Go over to Emily's blog and find out what everyone else is celebrating.

Sad Goodbye

2010-07-12T04:55:00.000-07:00

They were our first real friends once we moved back to NC and got settled. We joined their home group at church. Instant friends. Our lives run parallels. Mine with Jason's. Ryan's with Leah's. And now the road splits.

Our friends Jason and Leah are moving this week to PA. She worked tirelessly on a PhD and now she has earned a position as a college professor. As I think back to the times we have had together, I know that my life has been enriched for knowing them.

I've been in denial that they are actually leaving us until Sunday morning. We had a goodbye party for them Saturday night and I still didn't break. Then church rolled around and they were 3 rows in front of me. I sobbed through much of church. I'm pretty much a hot mess.

So instead of dwelling on my sadness and the void that will be in our daily lives, I'm going to leave you with some wonderful pictures that remind me of the wonderful friendships we have formed.

An afternoon hiking with our dogs, before the children, although I was pregnant here.

At the hospital holding Ainsley for the first time

Leah's baby shower with Heather

Our original home group right after Ainsley was born and when Leah was still pregnant.

Ainsley and Logan when Leah and I were childcare swapping. Kind of funny picture of both Ainsley and Logan!

At Ross and Laura's wedding making fools of ourselves.

An afternoon at the pool

Matching bees at Halloween

Cheering the mommies on at our 5K

The 5K finishers

And tonight at home group.

Friends like these are hard to find. We sure will miss you Jason, Leah, and Logan. We love you so much.

I am a Bettter Person Because...

2010-07-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

I am a better person because you were born.

You needed me to feed you, change you, love you...

You challenged me to think outside of myself, give more of myself to anyone than ever before...

I am a better person because you grew into a smiley baby.

You needed me to comfort you, teach you, love you...

You challenged me to grow, to sacrifice, to care deeply...

And now I am a better person because you are no longer a baby.

You need me to train you in God's ways, teach you new things, love you...

You challenge me to discipline, grow spiritually, love with abundance...

Happy Birthday Sweet Ainsley girl. I am a better person because of you.

What are you 80?

2010-07-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have this joke with a bunch of my friends where I ask them if they are 80? It started when a little girl at church asked me to put something in her pocket book. I replied "What are you 80?" It's a great line when people do things or say things that just seem old.

Today someone needs to throw the line at me. I made pickles and canned them.

Here's a few pictures from my adventure (Sorry for the poor quality. My camera battery was dead and I took them with my iPhone. And I don't mean the new iPhone. I don't have mine yet. But don't worry, it's on order and I have scoured this town looking for one and I'm on the list everywhere. 2 more weeks baby!)

Prepped and ready to go

Boiling

Finished Product

I haven't tried any yet. You have to let them sit for 24 hours before you can open them. I'll be bringing them to a cookout tomorrow. I'll let you know the verdict. Stay tuned this summer for my tomato canning adventure.

The Spirit of a Child

2010-06-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have been following the story of an 8 year old girl with stage 4 cancer on Twitter. Don't ask me why. I just came across it and started following her about 6 months ago. I never imagined that I would get so invested in this little girl's fight against cancer.

She lost the battle today.

It's been heart wrenching to watch her mother's updates on caring bridge. It's made me reflect alot on my life and my role as a mother.

I often think it's my job as her mother to help her through the big things and help her grow up. But as I think about Ellie and her mother Amy, I'm thinking that she is not going to remember things like potty training and eating habits. She's going to remember her spirit. Her joy and her love. Her love for Jesus. She's going to remember that on her death bed, Ellie annoited her mother's head with oil to help her deal with the loss. That's powerful.

So my challenge today is to really look into my child's spirit, to enjoy the love and joy that oozes out of her. And to teach her what it is to have a spirit like Christ. It's my job to lead her on the path of life that follows Him. So that if something tragic were to happen to her or if she lives to a ripe age of 100, she will be able to enjoy the presence of the King forever.

Just like Ellie.

Do You Ever Feel Like This?

2010-06-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

I fought a cold for 4 days. It won. I have been sick for 3. I'm tired. I don't feel good. And my daughter peed on the floor 4 times today. Not my day.

(This picture came from a photo shoot with my friend Jenn from http://tortugaskyphotography.com/ She's awesome even when most of the faces that your child gives look like the one above. I'll post some "happy" pics another day when I feel more like it.)

Some of My Favorite Things

2010-06-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've been focused on my child so much lately that I needed a reminder of who I am and what I like. As I have been going through this exercise, I thought I would share it with you.

Jesus
What's not to love. King of the Universe. God of Mercy. God of Love. God of Justice. God of me.

Family

I love my family, the one I grew up in, the one I married into, and the one we are creating. Here's an oldie but goodie of the 4 generations that represent a branch of my family.

My House
Best to use a quote here from one of my favorite books. "I love my house. I love my nest. In all the world, my nest is best"

Wine

Everyone always catches on quickly when I get pregnant (which I am not currently in case you were wondering) because I do love my wine.

Candy

I dedicated a whole post to it over Easter. I know I'm supposedly this healthy vegetarian but I do love my candy.

Taco Bell

Not much to say here. Bean burritos from Taco Bell are just so yummy. I'm using the old logo here on purpose. It's a sort of comfort for my comfort food.

Side Note...Can you tell I'm hungry. My list just went completely to my tummy. Ok. Back to the list

Technology

It's part of my job but I just love when new technology comes out. I love all the shiny new toys. But I'm cheap so I usually just admire them from a far. But my boss bought me an original iPhone a couple years ago and now the new one's out and I keep dropping hints to him to buy me a new one. It's new and shiny and in it's own way, kind of sexy.

My Bed

I love to sleep. Make the room nice and dark, kind of like a cave, and I could sleep there forever. This one really hits me on Thursday nights after I've worked all week.

The Adirondacks

We grew up vacationing there and now my parents have retired there. When we lived in Albany, we would go every other weekend or more. Now that we don't live there anymore, I miss going there so much. I relish my week in the summer, even if you do have to wear a down coat to the 4th of July parade. Here's a picture of Ryan on his jetski ruining the peace and quiet for everyone else. But he's hot doing it so I let it slide.

Math

It's the nerd in me but I love math. I can't wait until Ainsley has math homework for me to help her with.

So there you have it. A list that sums me up in quick 10 points. I should have put lists on the list but I digress. Enjoy getting a refresher on me. I did.

Just What I Needed

2010-06-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

The past week has been completely stressing me out. Potty training is hard. Last night I was in a funk. I was super tired and emotionally at the end.

We were getting ready for bed and I was letting the dogs out when I found this.

Don't see it...Let's zoom in.

Turn it around...

It was just the laugh that I needed.

Good Enough

2010-06-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's been one week since we started potty training and I'm wiped. But I think the worst is behind us.

As I stated in the previous post, the first 3 days were great. Then we had a bad day and a horrible day. On Wednesday I had to go back to work. I was petrified to leave my partially potty trained little girl with MaryBeth. My only saving thought was that she did this a similar way with her little boy Robbie.

So I dropped her off with 10 pair of panties, 2 changes of clothes, rewards, the potty stick, and a hug. She did pretty well. MaryBeth took her to the potty regularly instead of waiting for her to tell her. It worked pretty well. She was having success and that felt good to boost her confidence. She still pooped in her panties but that was the only accident.

Thursday was a different story. She did well in the morning and then woke up from her nap covered in poop and pee. MaryBeth was getting her up and ready for a tub and Ainsley hit her. Seriously hit her. What???

I was devastated. I felt like my little happy girl was gone and in her place was this cranky sinful being. I think it's one of the first times that I have been faced with her blatant sin. I know I have more to come but it felt pretty devastating. I cried quite a bit.

Friday is my day off so I decided to change the subject for her. I was giving up waiting for her to tell me. I gave up asking her every few minutes if she had to go or to ask her to tell me when she had to go. I just took her to the potty every hour or so. She's got a good bladder and was able to hold it and go every time I took her. Still woke up with poop from nap and had one pee accident by the pool. But that was good enough for me.

She's been dry all day today and what that tells me is that she's essentially potty trained. I think I had bought so hard into the other method that I was trying to force something on my child that just wasn't working for her. I know that she will be able to tell me eventually. And I know she will get the poops soon. And she is only 22 months old.

What I needed was to offer her grace. And a dose for myself as well. My child isn't a prototype you find in a book. She's a real person with real feelings and needed to be treated that way. And since I figured that out and let the book go, she has been happier and so have I.

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

May Good Things

2010-06-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

Today I need a lift. So I'm doing my Good Things post. It's nice to look back and see that my life once didn't revolve around the potty. It gives me hope that it won't again in the future.

1 Ran a race for the Tatas with Heather and Leah. Memories made

2 Enjoyed a potluck with small group. I just love our group and will miss our friends who are leaving us this summer

3 Ainsley's first day back with MaryBeth since she had Toby. It's good to be back with her.

4 Spent some good time with Ryan's Grandma after she was released from the hospital. These moments are precious

5 Enjoyed listening to Ainsley sing on the car ride home. Man she's cute

6 Enjoyed my new GPS. I loved arriving successfully to my destination with no turn arounds. That's a small miracle

7 Caught up with a really good friend from college. She's kind of famous in the blog world. My new table arrived.

8 Organized my clothes. Got rid of 8 bags of unneccessary things. It feels good to purge

9 Enjoyed my Mama Day with Ainsley and was spoiled by Ryan. Went to my sister in laws college graduation. So proud

10 Thankful for a mother in law who loves my child and will take care of her on random days

11 Strolled through the garden to see everything coming up beautifully. The anticipation is killing me.

12 Got to check out where our new church is going to be. I love when other people have great visions. I'm not a visionary

13 Ryan got home from work early and that makes me smile.

14 Hopped to the park with some church friends for a long over due day at the park

15 Women's ministry breakfast with good friends and team. Excited to see what God does. Dinner with family

16 Spent some time with Ryan's mom and Blu at our house, showing off my wonderful new table

17 Confirmed the bunny lady for Ainsley's birthday party. Live bunnies at her party. How fun is that!!!

18 Roasted Red Pepper Pizza for dinner. Sticks And Stones restaurant doesn't have anything on me!

19 Thankful that Ryan is such a wonderful dad and that he loves her enough to let her puke on him!

20 All packed and ready to go to Boston.

21 Woke up to puke (not really good) but the coffee and book on the plane were a nice surprise since I was prepared for a 22 month lap child

22 Spent the day with my neices and nephews. Got a glimpse of what life as a soccer mom is. I'm kind of looking forward to it

23 Witnessed Anthony's first communion. That kid is amazing and cute to boot!

24 Went to Target for potty seats, cute elmo panties, and Clorox wipes. After a random poop in the potty on Sunday we have decided Friday is Potty Day

25 Biggest Loser Finale. Michael wins. I'm happy

26 Caught up on laundry in preparation for Potty Day. Little girl panties are cute

27 Celebrated my friend moving away. So enjoy her friendship and will miss her like crazy

28 Potty Day. Lots of messes but success as well

29 Potty Day 2. She's getting it

30 Potty Day 3. She's really getting it. Party at the pool with small group

31 Extra day off from work. Thanks to our great service men and women

Ready, Set, Go...

2010-06-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ainsley was making good signs of readiness for potty training. We went with it. We have bought into a method called the 3 day potty training method. I read it on another blog and had great hopes. The idea is that you take the diapers off to never come back...even at night. You ask them to tell you when they have to go potty making it child led. So here's how it went.

In the words of Miss Ainsley herself..."Ready Set Go"...or most of the time from her "Set, Go"

35 pair of panties ready to go.

Potty Day Party

Bye Bye Diapers

Drink a ton

Play and wait for accidents, don't forget to admire the cute panties.

End of the first day...The house looks like a bomb hit it

Day 2. We are still happy

Day 3. We have it. Even with a trip to the pool.

Even at night.

Day 4. The Potty Stick shows up to help with the poops. It works once.

Day 5. We are back to day 1. What????? No pictures because I'm tired.

But we are not giving up. She is going to the nanny's house tomorrow. I think she's sick of me and the potty training. She's testing us. But there is no turning back. We are doing this! And I can say this because right before she went to bed she told me she had to go potty and went. Success!

To be continued....

Oh the Drama!

2010-05-24T05:42:00.000-07:00

I bet you think I'm talking about L O S T. I'm not. I actually haven't seen it yet so don't spoil it for me. I'm in a media black out today until I can get home and watch it. Want to know why...I bet you do. I bet you are so antsy to know why I missed the biggest TV event of the year because you know I love TV.

Well, I had a fun filled weekend with my sister and her 4 kids in Boston. I've been looking forward to this trip for months. It was supposed to be me and Ainsley going. We were going to take advantage of the lap child rule one last time. It was going to be so fun to spend the weekend watching our kids play together and enjoying time with Nana and Papa.

But things never go as you plan. We put Ainsley to bed on Tuesday night and I thought I heard her cough. I got nervous because I knew I didn't want a sick kid this weekend. I heard her cough again and I thought that was a strange cough I should go check on her. So I did at 9:45. Turns out she wasn't coughing. She was throwing up. She was covered. The bed was covered. It was a mess. But I was thankful she didn't sleep in it like last time. After a quick sleepy bath and a sheet change she was back in bed (actually the pack and play since it's easier to clean up) only to puke once more but not as bad.

Ryan stayed home with her on Wednesday. She seemed to be doing well. Then she woke up from her nap and got Ryan with a direct hit. By Thursday she was fine. We debated and debated on whether to bring her anyway. There were pros and cons. Everyone had an opinion. It was a major distraction at work on Thursday. I don't actually know if I did any work and I have to take some time today to figure that out! There were tears and frustration. It felt like a big family drama.

So I packed our bags and made a decision that she was coming with me. By the time I got on the plane it would have been 40 hours with no incidents. That felt safe but I was still nervous. So I prayed. I prayed that if I wasn't supposed to take her with me that it would be clear.

And it was clear. I woke up on Friday to catch the plane. I got myself ready. I went in to get Ainsely up and ready and there she was covered in puke. Clear as day. I was so disappointed.

So I got on a plane and flew to Boston by myself. I read a book and drank coffee on the plane. I had a great time with my sister and her 4 kids. I enjoyed my time with Nana and Papa. I was really able to focus on the reason I was there. My nephew, Anthony, received his first communion. He took it very seriously and I couldn't be more proud. He really is a wonderful kid. There are some great pictures of me and him but they are on my sisters camera. But I must say he is the cutest little boy I know. And his heart is made of pure gold.

And I was supposed to be back by 8:45 last night. In time to watch L O S T. But USAirways sucks and so I didn't get home until 11. So now I'm on a media blackout after I hit post. I hope it's worth it.