Drifting

I've been lonely lately. 

When I quit my job, I wasn't coming home to be the mom of a firstborn newborn baby.  I was coming home to a 4 year old and a 6 month old.  My days look like preschool drop offs and running errands between morning and afternoon naps.  And boxes.  Tons of boxes.  Insert shameless plug for www.renewedhealth.com.  Wink wink.

I have been trying hard not to over commit myself during this transitional phase of my life.  In doing so, I have committed to BSF and that's it.  Now don't get me wrong, I love BSF.  But there isn't a lot of space for making friends.  It's pretty down to business bible studying.

So I have been looking around to the people I already know.  It seems like everyone is already established in their friendships and their routines.  I look to this group and I feel like an outsider.  That group too.  Where is my group of people?  Who is like me?  Where can I find the friends that I so desperately need?

And so I'm drifting. 

In BSF, we have been studying Genesis.  We just finished Noah.  There have been a few things that have been fresh with this new look at Noah.  First, God provided everything Noah needed, not just food, but sacrificial animals as well so that he could continue to worship.  Second, God shut the door to the ark.  In his mercy, God didn't make Noah the responsible one to pick the time that the door should be shut and the world condemned.  Third, Noah was alone for much of his life.  It took him 120 years to build the ark.  And once the flood came, they were on the boat for over a year. 

I think about Noah drifting after the rains had stopped.  Every day drifting, alone in a world of water.  It must have been achingly lonely.  And yet Genesis 8:1 gives me hope.

But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.

 

 

In the midst of my own drifting, I have to remember that God provides.  He has great mercy and love for me.  I couldn't ask for anything better to hold on to while the waves of loneliness surround me.

 



Just Not Today

I haven't left the house for more than preschool drop off since Saturday when I spent an hour at Target.  Other than that, I have been somewhat of a hermit.

It's not by choice.  David has been sick for going on 3 weeks with a 1 week break in the middle.  Sunday was his worst day.  He had a fever that got up to 103.7.  Since then he has been getting fevers at night and is a snotty and coughing mess. 

And apparently he shares well.  I have had a runny nose and a cough since Sunday night. 

I have missed church 3 weeks in a row.  At this rate, I don't expect I'll be able to go this week as well. 

I have been going to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) on Wednesday mornings.  It's one of the highlights of my week.  I'm missing it today.  I've only made 1 of the past 3. 

And Ryan has a work function tonight that will keep him out later than normal.

Since David has been sick, he hasn't been nursing well.  Which means that I am slowly clearing a clogged duct.  I just put him down for a nap in which he completely refused to nurse.  I've never struggled with nursing before but having him cry hysterically and refuse me made me just about lose it. 

I've been a stay at home mom for 3 months now.  I can honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I feel more grounded.  Life is good.

Just not today.

Dead Plants and New Hope

It's Monday morning.  The house is quiet except for the sound of cloth diapers drying in the dryer.  The house smells like fresh bread coming from my bread maker.  I just poured myself a second cup of coffee. 

It's a rare moment of quiet these days. 

I just finished working in the garden.  Our garden has been nearly dead for a while.  We let it get overgrown with weeds.  It really looked more like a jungle than a garden.  Yesterday I was in there with Ainsley and she looked at me and said, "This is a mess."

No kidding my dear.

But today I put on my garden shoes and gloves and went to work.  I pulled out 2 huge garbage cans of dead and dying plants and weeds.  I only did enough to clean out half of the garden.  The other half will have to wait for another day.

And in its place, I planted some new crops.  I may be too late, but it's worth a shot.  I planted lettuce, broccoli, and kale.  All things that we use on a weekly and almost daily basis.

 

There is order among the chaos now. 

 

And while I was out there by myself in the quiet of just the work, I was able to do some reflecting on my life.  It's been 2 months since I have been home with my kids.  There hasn't been many days where I have had time to even pee by myself.  I hardly sit down.  The days are full and the evenings are full. 

It's almost like God saw me in the midst of my own chaos and just started pulling.  He pulled and pulled and it hurt and felt like I was being ripped out from myself.  You see I liked those plants.  They weren't all weeds.  Some of them were the plants that fed us for so long.  They produced the fruit of yesterday.  There is even still fruit there. 

But God had different plans for me.  And in order to make room for the new plants, He had to pull some of the old ones.  The plants that had produced so much fruit in there season were now dead. 

And in the new space, there is hope.  Hope of days of sloppy faces, crayons, Candy Land, nursing my baby to sleep, trips to preschool, Bible Study Fellowship, cleaning schedules, homemade bread, delicious dinners, and so much more. 

Oh and shoes that don't fit into any dress code anywhere.

Thanks be to God for changing my life.