Seek First His Kingdom

The diagnosis of potentially high risk twins threw me into a loop of worry and fear.  I was not letting myself attach to these precious babies in my womb.  I was so scared something was going to happen to them and was trying to guard myself against unpredictable hurt.

During that first week there was just so many things going through my head.  Trying to figure out if we quickly try to sell our 3 bedroom house for something bigger.  Trying to figure out how I nurse 2 babies at once.  Worrying about how much more my other children will need from me so they don't feel left out.  But we had 3 major things going through our heads.

First, the risk of miscarriage was still high.  We had that weird blood work  and the risks are just higher with twins.  Having been through a miscarriage before, the thought never leaves your head. 

And then I have spent way too much time researching the ins and outs of identical twins.  Google can be a blessing and a curse.  I began to play probabilities in my head.  The possibility of them being in one sac is just frightening and overwhelming. 

Thirdly, we were not planning on this pregnancy so we did not have maternity coverage.  I do have regular insurance and was planning on picking up maternity coverage at the first of the year.  But that leaves me with roughly 60 days worth of uncovered expenses.  With a normal pregnancy, this wouldn't have been a big deal.  We could have floated a couple of appointments and made it not a problem.  But with these potentially high risk twins, that's not the case.

So fear and worry began to camp out in my soul.  I cried easily.  I was just so anxiety ridden.  I called in a couple of friends to pray for me.  And God has worked in mighty ways in just a few days. 

My fear of miscarriage was probably the top of my list.  I have friends that get so sick when they are pregnant that they have no doubt that things are going well.  I on the other hand usually just feel a little off.  I specifically asked my friends to pray that I would have some physical sign that things were going well.  Literally hours after I asked them to pray for that, I was stricken by a general queasiness, nothing debilitating, but enough to know it was there.  And then there is my stomach.  Being a 3rd pregnancy and the fact that I've recently lost weight, I started showing early.  And the twins really really make a difference.  Here I am at not even 7 weeks.

 

My fear over the finances was taking a hold of me too.  These ultrasounds that I am going to need are going to be expensive.  And God is working here too.  He put in my path a friend of mine who actually works at the health department.  Without going into the complicated process and details of "the system", I can just tell you that God is working this out perfectly.  I have people holding my hand and leading me through this process.  

The final fear of them being in one sac was I think the most debilitating.  I turned away from Google and turned to the Word.  And like God promises, He used it in mighty ways to speak to me personally.  In Sunday school, we were talking about the Lord's prayer.  The class is taking the prayer line by line.  Since I spend every other week in the nursery, I usually miss a good bit of Sunday school.  But I was there to hear about "Your kingdom come, Your will be done."  And I was struck by how I was looking for MY kingdom and MY will.  I was having an especially hard day on Monday and so I sat down to do my BSF homework.  It brought me right back to the Lord's Prayer and to Matthew 6.  Tears were streaming down my face as God spoke to me personally through His word.  I surrendered my fear and felt a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.  I just can't explain this supernatural peace that God gave to me.  All I can say is that the Holy Spirit is at work in mighty ways.

Sitting here today at almost exactly 1 week out from the beginning of this whirlwind ride, I am struck by how much God is working.  And despite the constant fear that probably won't ever go away until the day that I die, these twins are His.  Whether I get to keep them for 7 weeks or 100 years, God only knows.  God made them and He made them for Ryan and me to care for.  And no matter how much I try to guard myself, I cannot stop the love that God has already given me for these 2 precious babies. 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own.  Matthew 6:33-34

Fear or Free

It's amazing to me how Satan can use just about anything in our lives to completely wreck us.  And that is just what has happened to me this week.

I learned last Monday morning through a friend of mine that a famous mommy blog's youngest child died of SIDS.  I had never read her blog before.  I had never even heard of her before.  And yet her baby was a month older than David.  (And for your sake, I am not linking to that blog)

There were a few things about this that absolutely wrecked me emotionally for the week.

1.  I didn't know that a baby could die of SIDS past 6 months.
2.  The baby was essentially the same age as my baby and looked like my baby and was doing the things that my baby is doing
3.  I am leaving my baby overnight for the first time this week for not just one night, but 4.

I have spent the week gripped in fear.  I have checked on him at night.  I have been worried when his naps have stretched longer than usual.  I was actually looking through pictures on her blog from happier days just last night.  It has consumed my thoughts. 

Everyone keeps telling me to stop looking.  But I just couldn't.  I mean he looked like David.  And David could die.  Have I taken enough pictures?  Have I written enough about him?  Does he know just how much I love him?

FEAR    FEAR    FEAR

In church today, our pastor preached on the Fall of Man.  I've recently studied this in BSF.  I thought I wouldn't get much out of it but I was excited to just be in church for the first time in 3 weeks.  As he preached, I could feel the presence of God come.  I'm not sure if that sermon was for anyone else but me.  I needed to hear it.

Essentially, I was being conned by the greatest con artist there is.  And I let it happen.  I let him start the conversation with me.  I let him change what I knew was truth.  David isn't mine.  He is His.  And I can't let this fear grip me. 

As he closed the sermon and the closing song was being sung, I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.  I was no longer standing in the shadow of fear.  I was standing in the shadow of the cross.  Tears streaming down my face. 

FREE    FREE    FREE

There was another post from this mommy blogger this afternoon.  I read it.  But I was not wrecked by it. 

Thank you Lord for your love and conviction.