For Thine is the Kingdom

3 Years ago yesterday we were beginning a journey of loss that just about did me in.  We had lost our precious baby.  Miscarriage.  A taboo in the world to even talk about.  But I did.  And it was very much about me.  I was very focused on my self and my brokenness.  I was lost and alone.  No one understood what I was going through despite the millions of other women who experience miscarriage.  I was selfish and full of self pity. 

I came out of it.  I learned about myself.  I learned about redemption.  And then I had David.  And I thought more about how great it was and how great he was for me.  My thoughts were still very much about me. 

When we first found out that we were pregnant, I initially was scared of miscarriage.  It's my knee jerk reaction.  And then we found out it was twins.  My friend Kate and I were texting one night about miscarriage and the fear that will taint every pregnancy that either of us will ever have.  Her comment to me rocked me.  She just said "Praying for a 'to God be the Glory' story for you all"

It was in that moment that I had a perspective shift.  I knew then that losing these twins was a possibility greater than keeping them.  Twins, especially identical twins, are very risky pregnancies.  Something told me that I was going to lose them.  And something told me it was going to be a "to God be the Glory" story.

And we did lose them.  On Monday November 11, 2013 we went in for an ultrasound.  We found that one baby  had died at 6 + weeks and one had died at 8 weeks. 

After the D&C on Tuesday afternoon, I came home and kept telling Ryan and my mother (who flew in like a rockstar!) that I was numb and I was just not feeling anything.  During the past 2 weeks I have felt guilty for not feeling more.  I was feeling like this ride of emotions that we were on for the past weeks had come to a stop and I was just happy to get off.  I was worn out and done emoting.

But that's not it.  I'm not numb.  I'm not denying reality.  I 'm not just relieved to be off the ride. 

I'm at peace.  My focus isn't on me.  I am not bitter.  I am sad but not destroyed.  My focus is on the one who is now holding more of our children than I am. 

I am mostly glad that God had just given me strength.  He has given me peace.  He has loved me.  He knows what's best for me.  Where I want to be is praising Him.  I want more than anything to shout from the rooftops of how good He is.  That He has made all things well.

We have been studying the Lord's prayer in Sunday school.  When you think about the prayer, it starts with Our Father.  It goes through Worship and acknowledging His kingdom.  And then it goes to us.  Our needs, our forgiveness, delivering us.  But then it goes back to His Kingdom. 

When I think about the past 8 weeks I can only think one thing. 

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.  Amen

Stuck

Have you ever felt like your life is stuck?  Emotionally? Spiritually? Physically?

I have been stuck for months now.  I had the miscarriage in late November.  It's now the beginning of April.  And I feel like I haven't moved since then. 

I have been meeting with a woman from my church a couple times a month.  We started meeting as I was in the throws of trying to get pregnant.  Since I'm an open book, I told her about it from the beginning.  Little did she know when she agreed to disciple me that she was walking into a mine field.  And little did I know that I was inviting her to walk a very difficult road with me.

Fast forward to now.  I have dealt with the sadness of the miscarriage.  I have been stuck in the angry part of it for a while.  Part of my anger has to deal with the fact that my body hasn't picked up physically since the miscarriage.  It's in a perpetual state of limbo with no chance of moving forward.

But more of my anger has to do with this situation not being fair.  I've been mad at God.  And so I have turned my back and given Him the silent treatment.  I haven't wanted to talk to Him about it because I was just so mad. How 2 year old tantrum of me.

And the other week when I was meeting with my friend she asked me if I was willing to let God change my heart.  And my answer was that I wasn't willing to stay where I was.  It wasn't the full blown YES that I think she or God wanted to hear but it has opened dialog.

And so I have been praying.  And I am feeling less angry than I have in a long time even though my body is still not cooperating.  But I'm taking steps to un-stick that too.

I'm moving forward slowly.  It feels slow but it feels good. And that feels like enough right now.

While I'm Waiting

Another month has passed and I'm still waiting.

And with each passing day I feel a little more like my life is passing by before me.  That I'm wasting it thinking about what could have been, what should have been.  And that is what I'm doing.  Wasting.

Tonight on the way home from meeting with a friend I turned the radio on.  I heard the last line of a song and it was all I needed to hear tonight.  I turned the radio right off and contemplated what I was doing during this season of waiting.

God gave me the clear answer of what I should be doing.

"I will serve You while I'm waiting.  I will worship while I'm waiting" - John Waller  

In case you have never heard the song before, here's a video.

In My Dreams

Everyone has been asking how I have been doing.  I try to give the answer that I'm OK.  For the most part that's how I feel.  OK.  Not good.  Not bad.  OK.

During the days I have things to keep me occupied.  There is the precious 2 year old who requires my love and attention.  There is my job.  There is our Christmas party which is in less than 2 weeks. (Yikes!!!)

They are all distractions.  Things that make me not think about what is going on.  I keep saying that baking is therapeutic.  And it is.  But it doesn't make me pregnant.  It doesn't bring the baby back.

So every night I go to sleep with hopes that this will be the night that I get a good night sleep and that I will wake up feeling normal again.  And every night I toss and turn and sleep for short periods of time.

And now I have started to dream.  Not the sweet dreams of cribs and baby bellies.  But dreams of ultrasounds and that blank stare from the technician as she sees the empty womb.  The one where she hasn't said anything yet but you can see it all over her face that something is wrong.  And dreams of having to deliver a dead baby.  And holding that dead baby which in my dreams is usually just a skeleton.  Not so much dreams.  More like nightmares.

And I wake up restless and tired.  To start a new day of saying that I'm OK.

So if you are someone who prays, please pray for me to sleep soundly with no nightmares.  Pray for rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28

Hands and Feet of Jesus

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life.  Due to some bad timing 2/3 of my family is out of the country.  That left us to fend for ourselves during this difficult season.  But Jesus sent some people into our lives the past week to care for us in ways that we could not have even asked for.  I'm trying to come up with a list but if I have forgotten someone, I am deeply sorry.  My mind isn't the clearest right now.

• MaryBeth - Not only is she my nanny but she's a wonderful friend.  She has spoken Truth and comfort to me over the past week.  She has walked this path before and has been crucial in giving Ainsley some extra TLC this week.
• Anne - Over the past years Anne has become a second mother to me.  This week she really stepped up and cared for me like only a mother could
• Mary - What started as a client/patient relationship over 2 years ago has turned into a wonderful friendship.  Mary was our doula for Ainsley's birth and her experience in this area of loss is too familiar.  She has sent me endless texts of encouragement and love
• Amy - She was the first one to know I was pregnant.  A coworker and also a friend.  She has listened to me and helped me through a few long days at work this week.
• Jessica - She's about to birth herself and yet has put many of those emotions aside this week to care for me.  She definitely is a BFF.
• Lindsay - She's a friend from long ago who loves me deeply.  A note in the mail came at the perfect time.  It was like a gift directly from Jesus.
• Sarah - When I needed a meal, she provided us with one.  She has such a tender heart and when she says she's praying for you, you know it's true.
• Kate - As my oldest friend, she stepped up big time.  She literally has a 1 week old.  And yet she took the time out of the sleepless nights to stop and call me.  I was the first non-family member she called since the birth of her adorable son Charlie.  To say this meant a lot would be an understatement.
• Wendy - My sister Wendy is the only family member I have in the country right now.  While she doesn't know the loss personally she has walked many of her friends through the same thing.  She has been my protector since the day I was born and she has been there for me like no one else during this time.
• Our Homegroup - We have a small home group from our church that meets once a week and has so for years.  This group of people has walked beside us through many things and will continue to do so.  What a gift it is to share this life with a group of fellow believers
• Community of Women Who Have Walked the Path - This is not an exclusive club.  There are so many women who have walked the path that I am on now.  The notes and emails have been endless.  The support of this group of women is invaluable.  This experience has brought me a new perspective on loss and to share it with this group of women is an incredible yet difficult gift.
• Countless People Praying - There are so many people praying for our family right now.  I couldn't even begin to list them.  But each prayer has been a gift to us.  We feel loved and prayed over like we never have been before.
• Ainsley - The best thing that I could have during this time was a sweet 2 year old looking to me for love and support.  This week has been hard on her.  Children have a way that they know that something is wrong.  And yet their lives need to go on.  And to me that's a gift.  I can't drown in my sorrow and bring this sweet innocent girl down with me.  She has a heart of gold and nothing has made me feel better during this time that the sweet hugs and kisses that only she can give.
• Ryan - It's hard to even put into words the strength that this man of God that I have married has given me over the past week.  While he is grieving this loss too, he has given me such unconditional love and support.  He has taken over everything from watching Ainsley to house hold chores to pretty much everything.  And the whole time he has been willing to listen to me cry and to hold me and even to be snapped at.  He's my rock and my protector.  I count it a privilege every day that I get to walk this journey of life with him.

So thank you friends.  You have shown me Jesus this week.

Matthew 25:37-40

 ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

   ⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Hidden Pain

I've been kind of quiet over the past month.  There is a reason. 

It started with a call from the doctor in October saying that no I did not need to take the progesterone I had a prescription for to get my period to start up again.  I needed to take a different form of progesterone to help sustain a very early pregnancy.  This was something we wanted and we were looking forward to but since I hadn't had a period since August, it was the last thing I expected.  I actually didn't believe the midwife when she called.  I had to take one of these to prove it to myself.

I had some more blood work done and it seemed that everything was going as expected.  We scheduled an early ultrasound for November 11th to come up with a solid due date.

That ultrasound showed a gestational sac but no fetus.  They estimated that I was 5 weeks and 2 days along and that I should come back in 1 week for another ultrasound to make sure that things were progressing.  July 12th 2011.  There was a hint of doubt in the midwife's tone but we remained positive.

We went back for that ultrasound and I was so nervous.  At this point, I wasn't expecting things to be going well.  I was surprisingly shocked to see a baby and a heart beat of 110 beats per minute.  I thought that was pretty good and we left the ultrasound to see the midwife.  We were feeling pretty good.  I mean isn't this the cutest thing you have ever seen.

But the midwife informed me that 110 bpm wasn't as high as they liked to see and that they were going to need to see me back again in a week for another ultrasound.  Things were not looking as good as we had hoped. 

Ryan and I remained positive.  I had a peace that only God could give.  I actually didn't think about the negative side of things for a whole week.

We went back for the ultrasound on November 24th.  The day before Thanksgiving.  I went in kind of cocky and thinking very much about all the things I had to be thankful for. 

Quickly my mood changed when the ultrasound tech could no longer find a fetus and a heartbeat.  The baby was dead and so were my hopes.  Devastated does not even begin to describe it.

But I am refusing to grieve in silence.  This happens to so many women.  My midwife says it's about 1 in 3 pregnancies.  And yet you never know of people having miscarriages until you say something about your experience. 

So as I wait for the baby to "pass", I am not going to grieve in silence.  It feels like it would cheapen the life that lived for so short a time.  That life was my child.  That life gave us great joy.  And that life is with Jesus.  And I will get to see that life again someday. 

I love you my sweet little baby.  You will never be silenced or forgotten.