Hidden Pain

I've been kind of quiet over the past month.  There is a reason. 

It started with a call from the doctor in October saying that no I did not need to take the progesterone I had a prescription for to get my period to start up again.  I needed to take a different form of progesterone to help sustain a very early pregnancy.  This was something we wanted and we were looking forward to but since I hadn't had a period since August, it was the last thing I expected.  I actually didn't believe the midwife when she called.  I had to take one of these to prove it to myself.

I had some more blood work done and it seemed that everything was going as expected.  We scheduled an early ultrasound for November 11th to come up with a solid due date.

That ultrasound showed a gestational sac but no fetus.  They estimated that I was 5 weeks and 2 days along and that I should come back in 1 week for another ultrasound to make sure that things were progressing.  July 12th 2011.  There was a hint of doubt in the midwife's tone but we remained positive.

We went back for that ultrasound and I was so nervous.  At this point, I wasn't expecting things to be going well.  I was surprisingly shocked to see a baby and a heart beat of 110 beats per minute.  I thought that was pretty good and we left the ultrasound to see the midwife.  We were feeling pretty good.  I mean isn't this the cutest thing you have ever seen.

But the midwife informed me that 110 bpm wasn't as high as they liked to see and that they were going to need to see me back again in a week for another ultrasound.  Things were not looking as good as we had hoped. 

Ryan and I remained positive.  I had a peace that only God could give.  I actually didn't think about the negative side of things for a whole week.

We went back for the ultrasound on November 24th.  The day before Thanksgiving.  I went in kind of cocky and thinking very much about all the things I had to be thankful for. 

Quickly my mood changed when the ultrasound tech could no longer find a fetus and a heartbeat.  The baby was dead and so were my hopes.  Devastated does not even begin to describe it.

But I am refusing to grieve in silence.  This happens to so many women.  My midwife says it's about 1 in 3 pregnancies.  And yet you never know of people having miscarriages until you say something about your experience. 

So as I wait for the baby to "pass", I am not going to grieve in silence.  It feels like it would cheapen the life that lived for so short a time.  That life was my child.  That life gave us great joy.  And that life is with Jesus.  And I will get to see that life again someday. 

I love you my sweet little baby.  You will never be silenced or forgotten.