All Over the Place

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that it's been a rough week.  I actually can't believe that it's only been a week since it all started going out of control.  But in the midst of everything that's been going on, God has been faithful.  I am growing and He is showing me mercy.  So here's the time line of the past week:

• Friday morning we went for our anatomy scan.  We found out the baby may have Down Syndrome.  While this was tough to hear, I felt a peace from only God.  
• Friday around 6, I got a call from Ryan's mom.  His 91 year old grandmother was having a major episode and she was on the way over there.  We were praying that she would pass away before she had to go to the hospital again.  This may have been the hardest prayer I've ever prayed.  You never want to pray for someone to leave this earth but Grams has been suffering for a while now.  We were definitely praying for mercy.
• Friday night I called my faithful friend Anne to watch Ainsley while we went to the hospital to be with Grams who had a major stroke.  What a blessing Anne has been in my life.  She loves me and Ainsley and that is a gift.
• Friday night at the hospital Grams was responsive and was able to communicate in little bits and pieces.  I was able to tell her how much she meant to me and say the goodbye that I wasn't able to say when my grandmother passed away.  Another gift.
• Friday night or maybe early Saturday morning, while we were drifting off to sleep, Ryan was able to feel the baby move for the first time!  Yes!!!
• Saturday morning Ryan's mother had to put her faithful dog Sammy down.  He was 16 years old and had been around this family longer than I have.  We have known for a while that this has been coming but the finality of it was rough.
• Saturday night we spent some much needed family time with Ryan's Dad.  He provided a fabulous meal and we just got to relax.  This dinner has been planned for at least 6 months and the timing of it was perfect.  
• Sunday morning we went to church.  Worship was great.  We sang very appropriate songs to how I was feeling.  I was able to leave church with Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus in my head for the rest of the day.
• Sunday early evening we kicked off another year of home group with a meal at our house.  It was a great time to fellowship with our friends and be with like minded believers.  This group, although different in so many ways from the start, has been a solid presence in our life for the past 4 years.  That is truly a amazing gift from above.
• Sunday night I went up to see Ryan's grandmother one more time.  The end was near.  The closure of that visit was final.  She was entering eternity.
• Sunday night shortly after we went to bed, we got the call from Ryan's sister that Grams had passed from this life to the next.  She was singing and dancing with Jesus.  Our hope is firm and our salvation is secure.  That is something to praise God for.
• Monday morning on the way to work, Ainsley asked me where Great Grandma was again.  I told her she was in heaven with Jesus.  In her 3 year old logic, she asked me if she was driving there.  Oh how I love innocent children. 
• Tuesday morning we went in for our repeat ultrasound.  We waited for what felt like an eternity in the lobby, or maybe just an hour, but were finally called back.  After 2 ultrasounds that morning, we were told that our baby is completely within the range of normal for all Down Syndrome markers.  Our odds are back to slim to none that the baby will have DS.  His Mercies are soooo good.  And while we watched our little child on that screen, it was such a great reminder that even in the midst of death, there is life.  Praise God.  Oh and baby has big lips.  Too cute.
• Wednesday after work, I took Ainsley to a Physical therapy screen.  She has seemed a bit behind compared to her peers in regards to gross motor skills and I thought it was worth checking out.  She has been in gymnastics and that has helped but I wanted to see if I could help catch her up if there was a problem.  She is about 6-8 months behind but the therapist says that she can catch up easily with some sessions.  This has been on my calendar a while and it just so happened to fall in the middle of the crazy.  While I would have preferred to put this off, I'm glad that we didn't.  This news wasn't the greatest but it wasn't the worst either.  

So that brings me to now.  We have the funeral on Monday.  The weekend is going to be slam packed with other things that were previously scheduled.  But in the midst of the chaos of what is behind us and what is in front of us, we are continuously being reminded of His faithfulness.When it seems that we cannot bear one more thing, He shows up and gives us glimpses of grace.

This scripture has been in my head this week, especially the first 4 verses.   

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

  ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Calm

With each step you take in life, God is there to meet you with joy and strength.  We went in for our "big" ultrasound today.  While most people go to this ultrasound focused on the gender of the child, we didn't.  We have decided to not find out the sex of this baby. 

When we went in for the big ultrasound with Ainsley, it was so exciting.  The anticipation of finding out her sex was all that we could think of.  She actually didn't "reveal" herself until the last 5 minutes.  I didn't really even focus on the fact that they were doing a clinical exam and actually were looking for the health of our baby. 

This time it was so different.  We knew we weren't finding out the sex so the focus became more intense on the clinical exam.  After she completed the exam, she said that our midwife would be talking to us more about a finding.  My guard went up immediately.  What could be wrong? 

And so we met with our midwife, Vicki, who by the way is my favorite midwife at our practice.  She explained to me that the ultrasound tech had found that the fold on the back of the neck was thicker than it was supposed to be.  That by itself is a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome.  None of the other soft markers presented themselves during the ultrasound. 

We had an ultrasound at 13 weeks that was specifically looking at these soft markers and none of them presented themselves.  At that time, our risk of Down Syndrome was somewhere around 1:1090 (I think that's close.  I don't really remember what the midwife said this morning as it was all such a blur and happening so fast).  Now that this soft marker has presented itself, our risk has increased to 1:170.  Those odds are still pretty good but they put us into a category of higher risk. 

We were presented with a bunch of options ranging from nothing to another ultrasound to an amnio.  We decided against the amnio since the risks are just too great for miscarriage.  We have decided to go for a more detailed ultrasound at the hospital next week.  They won't be able to give us a definite answer but it's just a good second opinion.

A friend of mine from high school, Gretchen, had a child about a year ago that has Down Syndrome.  She has been incredibly open and honest on her blog.  She has talked about the struggles and yet the place she lives in now is so sweet.  She loves Julian and is a great advocate for her little boy and others that are just like him.  Oh and he is one of the most adorable little guys you will ever meet. 

After all of this, I left the appointment in a state that actually shocked me:  calm.  After everything that I have been through in the past year and the insiders view into Gretchen's life, I think God really prepared me to be in this moment.  I have really learned in the past year that God is strength and He brings the grace.  We don't know what will happen with this child.  We do know that God does know.  We know that no matter what happens, we will love this child with an unimaginable love.  And God will give us the grace to handle whatever comes our way.

I was scanning the ultrasound pictures today and putting them in my little photo album that I used when we were pregnant with Ainsley.  My scriptures that I used in labor were still in there.  I found this scripture incredibly helpful today.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18.

Amen and Amen.

Are Miracles for Dogs Too?

We have 2 dogs.  Both of them are pugs.  We weren't looking for a pug when we set out to find a dog during our second year of marriage.  We went looking for a shelter dog.  Tucker was the first dog we saw and he was so cute.  I didn't even know what kind of dog he was or anything about pugs.  We picked him out and took him home and thus we became pug people.

He definitely looks older now than he did 10 years ago but he's still adorable

After we moved to our current home 5 years ago I was ready to start our family.  Unfortunately I had a health issue that delayed that process by a year or so.  So what does one do when you want a baby and are told to wait....Get another dog.  This time we went looking for a pug but still went looking for a rescue.  We found a rescue organization about 2 hours away and went down to pick out our new pug.  I wanted the playful one and Ryan wanted the one that just looked sweet.  She had been used as a breeder for the Amish and was sold at the farmers market like produce to someone who gave her to the rescue.  She was six years old and we knew she had lived a hard life already.  We didn't care and we brought home Libby 5 years ago.

Who couldn't love that face?

She doesn't like strangers too much but she loves people she knows.  She's much more typical pug in look and behavior.  She's about the sweetest thing ever and she became my baby.

Well, until we had a baby.  Then Libby and Tucker took their place on their beds and have been living out their lazy comfortable life like good dogs do.  That is until this spring.  We took them in for physicals and the vet said that Libby's stomach seemed tender.  2 weeks later I took her back to the vet because her abdomen had swollen to twice the size.  An x-ray clearly showed a tumor the size of a football growing from her liver.  The vet said that it would be quick since it was a rapid growing tumor and gave us signs to look for that it was "time".

I went home devastated.  I texted my family that we were going to lose her within weeks or maybe days.  We tried to prep Ainsley for the loss of another animal (chicken deaths have been plenty this summer!)  And the tumor did grow.  It stretched her loose skin to the point we thought she might rip open.  She struggled to climb the stairs but that was the only sign of discomfort.  We were just watching and waiting.

We went to the beach and had 2 different people split the week watching her.  She did great at the first but by the time we came home and picked her up from the second I thought I was going to have to take her right to the vet.  She had gone WAY down hill.  Her stomach looked like she was a snake that had swallowed a mongoose.  She couldn't breath.  She was throwing up every time she ate.  But I brought her home so Ainsley and Ryan could say goodbye. 

3 hours passed and she seemed to perk up.  So we decided against any decisions.  Then about a week later Ryan asked me if her stomach was smaller.  Sure enough it was.  It was shrinking daily.  And about 2 days ago we really looked at her.  The tumor is GONE.  COMPLETELY GONE!  I called the vet.  She stammered through a conversation telling me she was shocked and happy and yet had not even an inkling of a guess to what had happened.  She assured me it could not have ruptured or she would have died almost immediately. 

So today we sit amazed at our little miracle dog.  She's fine.  She's eating.  She's happy.  She's climbing stairs.  She's very much alive.

Miracles can happen and not just to people.

So Far

After having the miscarriage in November, I thought that being pregnant again would be the best thing ever.  And while we are very excited, it hasn't been the best thing ever. 

Ainsley's pregnancy was so easy.  I was naive and just assumed everything was fine at every turn.  I never got sick and had very little symptoms.  Although I didn't feel her move until 20 weeks, I didn't know any different.  Each checkup brought excitement and wonderful anticipation. This pregnancy has been 100% the opposite. 

From the day that I found out I was pregnant, the anxiety hit.  Actually, I knew I was pregnant a good week before I took the test.  I am an early tester but this time I was determined to wait until I was sure I would get an accurate result.  So at 4 weeks and 2 days, I took a test.  If you know anything about pregnancy tests, you know you are supposed to do them first thing in the morning.  Feeling like I had already waited an eternity, I didn't wait until morning and took my test after I got home from work.  Before I could even put it down, the test came up blaring positive.  I started to laugh but immediately the fear set in.

I told Ryan the exact same way I have told him each time.  He got home from work and he met me in the kitchen.  I handed him the test without saying a word and the look on his face was awesome, as it has been all 3 times. 

But from that moment on, the anxiety has just grown.  With each trip to the doctor, I have major panic and fear.  It usually starts 2 to 3 days before my appointment.  I start to doubt the pregnancy and fear the worst.  Then the night before I usually end up not sleeping and feeling like a hot mess.  My wonderful husband has been a rock star and continually lays hands on me and prays over me.  It's the only thing that puts me at ease at all.

I have felt sicker this pregnancy than with either of the other 2.  It seems to have hit at night around 4:00 to the time when I go to bed.  This vegetarian could not stand the thought of cooked veggies.  Not the ideal situation for sure.  But through the sickness and shear exhaustion, I was able to thank God for signs that this pregnancy was indeed different.

We were able to go in for an ultrasound at 7.5 weeks and then heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks.  I was scheduled for another ultrasound on July 11th.  After a relaxing week away with family, I came back that Monday morning to another appointment and another round of anxiety.  Ainsley and I were about 10 minutes away from getting to the doctor's office when my cell phone rang telling me that my appointment had been postponed a day. 

Sounds like not a big deal but then I looked at the calendar.  My ultrasound was now scheduled for what should have been my due date.  This seemed to double the anxiety.  I was already dreading that day but now I had the pressure of an ultrasound on top of it.  What if something went wrong.  Could I handle that on an already hard day? 

There are 2 ultrasound techs at our doctors office.  The one who told me we were miscarrying and the other one who has the sweetest heart.  I schedule my appointments with the other one just out of fear.  The one that told us we were miscarrying is fine and good at her job, but that image is permanently ingrained in my head.  When the appointment was rescheduled I didn't even think about it.  We got to the office and I saw her right away.  I looked at Ryan, who seemed to be clueless as to what I was even talking about and asked him to pray again. 

And everything was fine.  And now I am not feeling as sick.  I'm getting bigger by what seems to be the hour, although not according to the scale (which is awesome!).  But I'm not feeling the baby move yet.  And so the anxiety remains. 

Looking back at the past year, I realize that my life is not in my control.  I've lived my whole life that way.  I say that I trust God but really I trust myself.  And now I can't do that.  I only have one option.  Prayer and Faith in a good God.  But a God who promises trials.  A God who stretches us and helps us grow.  A God who loves us and carries our burdens.  And that's enough for me.  I'm not responsible for carrying this burden and this anxiety.  It's not mine to hold, just like this baby isn't mine to hold.  It's His. 

And that is a relief.

Past, Present, and Future

Today I am mixed with emotions.  When you think about your life, it easily breaks down into the past, the present, and the future.  Lately when I think about my life, I think about it in those terms but how that relates to our children and our family.

Past
When I look at the past, I am thinking about the baby that was lost.  Today was my due date.  I think about what could have been.  I can't help to think about the lessons and the growth that I have experienced as well.  In times of great struggle, there is always room for great growth.  I feel blessed to have the people in my life who continually have pointed me to the cross during this time.

Present
When I think about the present, I can't help but think about the child that I have in this world.  Ainsley turned 3 last week.  It's hard to believe that 3 years have already passed.  She is sweet.  She is loving.  She is sassy.  She is funny.  She is full of innocence.  She is pure-hearted.  She is the greatest gift that I have ever been given.

Future
When I think about the future, I am now full of hope. 

 (Apparently I can't scan straight!).

Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow

Found

I once was lost but now I'm found. - Anna Marie

I don't know where she was.  I don't know where she came from.  She just appeared as quickly as she disappeared.  We are happy she is safe!

Crazy Like a Chicken

I haven't written in a while.  I hate being repetitive so I've taken a bit of a break.  But I have some chicken craziness to talk about.

As you know, this winter/early spring we lost our chicken Amy Jo to an unfortunate accident.  We decided to replace her and go 2 new chickens, Cindy Lou and Ginny Lee.

Here's Ginny Lee.  She's kind of shy and won't come out of the coop unless you are far away.

The adjustment was going well.  Ginny Lee and Cindy Lou hang out together and our older black chickens Sadie Mae and Peggy Sue hang out together.  All was good in chicken world.

Then there was another incident.  Peggy Sue broke her leg.  We aren't really sure how it happened but she did.  And there is no way we could fix it.  We offered her to Ryan's coworker who works on a farm to eat.  He came and got her one evening.  In hopes that it wouldn't be too traumatic on Ainsley we told her that the chicken was going to live with God. (I know this theology is wrong and we will correct it eventually, but she's 2.)  When they came to pick her up, we put her in box and nicely said goodbye.  Ainsley later asked me why the man took our chicken if she was going to live with God.  I told her she needed some help in getting there.  That is when Ainsley responded with this classic line.  "Is he going to take her to Sunday School?"  Even now when we pass church on our way home from my nanny's house, she still says something about the chicken living there.  Ooops.  But I love the hearts of children.

Here is mother hen Sadie Mae and little chicken Cindy Lou.

Surprisingly Sadie Mae did not take Peggy Sue's departure well.  She was making tons of noise and looking for her daily.  So we decided to replace her too.  On Tuesday we picked up Anna Marie.  She is another black chicken.  When we brought her home she was scared of her new environment, which we thought was normal.  Sadie Mae just ignored her.  Ginny Lee and Cindy Lou were not so nice.  They would chase her around the coop and peck her until everyone was so tired they just went to sleep.

In order to spare Anna Marie some pecking, we let them loose in the yard.  Last night we were late in getting Ainsley to bed and by the time Ryan went out to put Anna Marie in the coop (the rest go on their own), she was gone.  He looked for her for a half an hour.  And then I looked for her for 20 minutes.  She's gone.  We have looked in every bush and under the deck.  She's just gone.  We thought she would come out this morning.  Nope.  Still missing.

Here is all we have left of Anna Marie right now.  A filthy box.

To Be Continued...