Calm

With each step you take in life, God is there to meet you with joy and strength.  We went in for our "big" ultrasound today.  While most people go to this ultrasound focused on the gender of the child, we didn't.  We have decided to not find out the sex of this baby. 

When we went in for the big ultrasound with Ainsley, it was so exciting.  The anticipation of finding out her sex was all that we could think of.  She actually didn't "reveal" herself until the last 5 minutes.  I didn't really even focus on the fact that they were doing a clinical exam and actually were looking for the health of our baby. 

This time it was so different.  We knew we weren't finding out the sex so the focus became more intense on the clinical exam.  After she completed the exam, she said that our midwife would be talking to us more about a finding.  My guard went up immediately.  What could be wrong? 

And so we met with our midwife, Vicki, who by the way is my favorite midwife at our practice.  She explained to me that the ultrasound tech had found that the fold on the back of the neck was thicker than it was supposed to be.  That by itself is a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome.  None of the other soft markers presented themselves during the ultrasound. 

We had an ultrasound at 13 weeks that was specifically looking at these soft markers and none of them presented themselves.  At that time, our risk of Down Syndrome was somewhere around 1:1090 (I think that's close.  I don't really remember what the midwife said this morning as it was all such a blur and happening so fast).  Now that this soft marker has presented itself, our risk has increased to 1:170.  Those odds are still pretty good but they put us into a category of higher risk. 

We were presented with a bunch of options ranging from nothing to another ultrasound to an amnio.  We decided against the amnio since the risks are just too great for miscarriage.  We have decided to go for a more detailed ultrasound at the hospital next week.  They won't be able to give us a definite answer but it's just a good second opinion.

A friend of mine from high school, Gretchen, had a child about a year ago that has Down Syndrome.  She has been incredibly open and honest on her blog.  She has talked about the struggles and yet the place she lives in now is so sweet.  She loves Julian and is a great advocate for her little boy and others that are just like him.  Oh and he is one of the most adorable little guys you will ever meet. 

After all of this, I left the appointment in a state that actually shocked me:  calm.  After everything that I have been through in the past year and the insiders view into Gretchen's life, I think God really prepared me to be in this moment.  I have really learned in the past year that God is strength and He brings the grace.  We don't know what will happen with this child.  We do know that God does know.  We know that no matter what happens, we will love this child with an unimaginable love.  And God will give us the grace to handle whatever comes our way.

I was scanning the ultrasound pictures today and putting them in my little photo album that I used when we were pregnant with Ainsley.  My scriptures that I used in labor were still in there.  I found this scripture incredibly helpful today.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16 - 18.

Amen and Amen.