Diploma

I have been cleaning out my office for weeks now.  At first I was doing it in secret.  I would slip a book or a picture frame into my bag daily on my way out trying not to get caught.  It was gradual so that no one would notice.  I managed to clean out all the things inside my drawers and left most of the things on the desk and on the walls before I even gave my notice.  My goal was to not have a box of office things to deal with once I was home.

My office is now empty with the exception of my space heater.  Today I brought home my diploma that hung on my office wall.  It seemed really symbolic to me to have the last thing I brought home be the very thing that symbolizes the start of my career. 

I worked really hard for that diploma.  And I worked even harder for the career that followed it.  And now it's over. 

I've never not had a job since the time I was able to start working.  Don't get me wrong, what is ahead of me is definitely a job.  It's just different.  And it both terrifies me and excites me all at once.

So I continue to transition.  To search for the new identity.  To flounder.  To feel lonely.  To feel excitement.  To just be confused.

And now I'm looking for somewhere in my house to hang my diploma so I can look at it and be reminded of this season that I have left behind.  Over my kitchen sink, my dresser, my sewing machine.  It just doesn't fit.  And that makes me cry just a little bit. 

Tragedy

It's hard not to think about Japan right now.  The thought of everything that they are going through is mind boggling.  We have been watching a lot of the coverage but it gets to be too much.  And we turn it off.  Because you can only take so much.

And then you turn it back on because how can you not watch as the world watches.  It's hard to even imagine what it would even look like to see this.  The devastation is huge.

But when it's just pictures of rubble it's easier to detach.  And then you start to see the faces of the tragedy and the compassion just grows.  This mother is clinging to her daughter and I can definitely relate to that.

In the past when there have been massive tragedies, like Haiti, it was just a disaster and a clean up (and I say "just" in the most sensitive way possible because we all know that wasn't just a small tragedy either).  But this time the threats are continuous.

So we pray for these people who we don't know in a country on the other side of the world.  And we weep with them.  And we pray for mercy.  Because they can't turn this tragedy off.


*pictures courtesy of www.USATODAY.com

Peace Out 2010. Bring it 2011

2010 is over.  It was a year of great ups and great downs.  As I look back it's been good to see God's faithfulness in both.  We are incredibly blessed to be able to praise the one who deserves it.

My favorite moments of the year came in both the happy and the sad.

My happiest moments of the year came with each step of my little girl into toddler hood.  It really isn't a specific moment but a culmination of moments.  There is nothing that gives me more joy in life than observing her grow; from watching her learn to use the potty, to sleeping in a big girl bed, to growing in her vocabulary.  She even learned some Bible verses this year.  Having this special little girl in my life has been a true gift and one that I am thankful to God for every day.

My other favorite moment came in my darkest hour.  God gave me a gift in the moment that I learned that our baby had left to be with Him.  As the ultrasound tech told me that the baby had passed away, my first thought was "You give and take away. My heart will choose to say...Lord blessed be Your name".  Obviously this thought was not my own.  It was a gift from the Holy Spirit.  And it is something I will treasure in my heart forever.

So as 2011 begins, there are a few things that I would like to do this year.  I'm not going to call them resolutions or goals but rather just a nice little list of things that I would like to do.

• Be there for someone who has suffered a miscarriage.  Unfortunately this happens way to often and I pray that God will open the door for me to serve someone else who has to go through this.
• Hang out with my girlfriends more
• Learn to put make up on from someone who really knows how.  Seriously I'm 33 years old and I don't know how to do it.
• Blog at least 5 times a month
• Let my husband know more often just how much I appreciate him

And with that...Good bye 2010.  Hello 2011.

A Year in Review

I thought I would review my year. What better way to do that than to go back through my blog. Want to take a trip down memory lane with me? Here goes


January
Ainsley Started eating solids
Ainsley learned to roll over

February
I started watching Logan
Ainsley got Croup
I had a huge project at work roll out
I appreciated the women in my life

March
Taylor got cancer
March Madness captivated me AGAIN
Ainsley started looking like me

April
Taylor had many hang ups after his cancer surgery
Taylor's final pathology came back clear after both surgeries
I stopped watching Logan
We got chickens

May
I celebrated mother's day
Ainsley ate Tucker's tooth
We took Ainsley to the beach for the first time

June
Ainsley found a soul mate
We enjoyed our garden
Ainsley became more like me

July
We headed to the Adirondacks
Ainsley turned 1
Ainsley was SO BIG

August
I was in the desert
Libby got cancer

September
Kate got married in NYC
Ainsley outgrew reflux

October
I went through first time mommy panic
Ryan and I celebrated a kissable moment
Grandma turned 90

November
My love of Lists grew
We all got sick
I got a new kitchen

December
Ainsley spread cheer
Ainsley started to look like her cousin


I can't believe all those things happened this year.  Some of them seemed like yesterday and some felt like lifetimes ago. 

For 2010, I am going to change my blog address.  I hate this one.  I set it up on a whim when I was on maternity leave and very hormonal.  It's a cheesy title and I just hate it.  My next post will tell you where to find me in the future.  Stay tuned.

The Community of Women

When I was young I always used to say that I enjoyed hanging out with guys more than girls. During college, I had very few good women friends. I hung out in Ryan's dorm room with all of his guy friends all the time. It got to the point where there was no difference between me and them in his mind or mine. I have to admit I was there the night they were all lighting farts and no one thought anything of the female presence in the room, but that's a story for another time.

When I lived in Winston right after we got married, Ryan and I became part of a community of young married couples in our church. There were a lot of us and it was one of the best times of our lives. It was during this time that I learned the importance of women in your life and embracing your femininity.

I am still not super "girly" but I do enjoy the women in my life so much more now. I consider it pure joy to hang out with them. I go to them when I need advice. They are so important to me.

Some of the greatest women in my life right now are:

My Mom - She knows me better than anyone except maybe Ryan. She loves me for who I am and in all my faults. She is a great spiritual mentor and a great friend. I wish we still lived close by but I do enjoy my almost daily phone calls.

My Mother in Law - My mother in law is a great cheerleader. I feel most loved by words of affirmation and she knows this about me. She is always there with a word of encouragement. I really do enjoy living 2 miles away from her.

Anne - She is so great in letting me speak my mind. I don't ever have to worry about offending her and she let's me be who I am and say what I think. Anne has been a great joy in my transition to parenting.

Lindsay - She is one of those women from the group of young people in Winston. She has taught me so much about caring for women. We drifted when we were in NY but I am happy to say that she is one of the more important women in my life again.

Jessica - She is one of the newest members of this list. She and I have such a fun relationship. We enjoy just spending time with each other both on IM and in person. She stirs me on in my competitive nature.

Lori - She started as just a work friend but is now one of those important women in my life. She lets me talk about me - HA! She is a great listener and really cares for me and my family. She is always interested in the happenings of my life and never bores of hearing about my child. What more could you ask for?

Kate - Even though Kate lives in NYC and we talk rarely, this list would not be complete without her. She is my oldest friend and someone who knows me best outside of my family. When I have real issues in my life, she is on the top of the list of people to call. She and I have a very easy friendship because we don't have to talk all the time. When we do it's wonderful and feels like no time has passed.

So as I go about my weekend, I am ready to enjoy my women. This weekend will be full of them. I am meeting Lori for lunch today. There is a Women's Tea at church on Saturday and I am having some women friends over to hang out on Saturday night. What could be better than that?

Looking Back and Forward

As the new day came today with a New Year, I was prompted like most people to look where I have been and where I am headed.

This past year has been a wonderful one for me. There is not much that I can complain about. The year is really split into 2 parts for me with a date of July 6, 2008 being the transition from one part to the next.

Prior to July 6, it was just a Ryan and me. I was pregnant, so it wasn't really just me but parenting was still more of a concept than a reality in my mind. We were looking forward to the birth of our daughter with great expectations. I spent so much time trying to imagine what labor would be like and what holding a new infant would be like. I didn't think much past what the first few weeks would be like. That felt like enough for my imagination. Ryan and I spent countless hours pouring over the name book. We really struggled settling in on just one. We were so excited to start this new chapter in our lives.

There were other non-pregnancy things that were good about this past year. I am reminded again of how blessed I am with a great job at a great company. I am doing what I love to do and I work with some incredible people. My boss was so gracious with me through my pregnancy with doctor appointment after doctor appointment and many other accommodations. I forgot how to carry a computer around. I couldn't reset our fax server because I couldn't fit into the space to get to it. He took up a lot of slack for me while I was pregnant. Most of all, he was gracious with an extended maternity leave and a transition to a part time schedule.

Ryan and I also celebrated 8 years of marriage. I can't believe it's been that long and yet it feels like just yesterday we were those crazy young people setting out on this journey of marriage. We have really grown up together and it's so fun to watch our relationship change again as we add parenting to the mix. From the moment I told Ryan that I was pregnant, he stepped up as the Dad that I always knew he would be.

Then came labor and delivery. I won't go into that AGAIN. I have bored you enough with it. But Ainsley Elizabeth arrived on the scene and my life changed forever. Those first few weeks were rough but we quickly settled into our routine. I have to say that being a mother has truly changed me. I am not the same person I was from little things I do to big decisions. Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that this child was once a glimmer in my heart, and then a tiny baby in my stomach, and then a "tiny human" (as Ryan refers to her). I still find myself going into her room at night and just watching her sleep amazed at God's wonderful gift to us. I really feel that this is what I was designed to do. I am relishing in every moment of it.

So now it's time to put 2008 away and move on to the New Year. I am looking forward to all the new things that are to come in 2009. There are many "firsts" in my future from first teeth, to first steps, to first words. But there are also many other things that will be in my future. There will be many great times had with friends and family. There will be more accomplishments at my job. There will be places to serve within our church. There will be experiences that I can't even imagine right now. There will no doubt be struggles as well. I look forward to those to as I consider them wonderful opportunities to rely on the God that I love so deeply.

Let's run into 2009 with great expectations.

Happy New Year!