Genevieve Jane Krumroy

Naming children has never been an easy task for Ryan and me.  I come up with a list and Ryan vetos.  He can't commit until we have the baby.  And then once I have gone through labor, I tell Ryan what I want to name the baby and he gladly agrees as a courtesy since I've done all the work.  

Unlike when I was pregnant with David, we decided to find out the sex of this last baby.  Because I'm old, insurance covered the Harmony test and we found out at 12 weeks that this baby is a girl.  We were in the parking lot of Ainsley's school when we opened that envelop and saw the words "Female Fetus".  With that, I looked at Ryan and said...I get my Genevieve Jane!  He said he wasn't so sure.  And I said, I was and that he would get used to it.

Ever since I started seriously looking at baby names 7 years ago, I have loved the name Genevieve.  But when we were pregnant with Ainsley, I was determined that her middle name would be Elizabeth.  It's my mom's name.  It's my middle name.  And it would be my 1st daughter's middle name.  Pairing that with Genevieve would just be mean. So I passed and waited.  And then David was boy.  So I waited some more.  I kind of figured I would end up having a dog named Genevieve. But at 12 weeks, I was given the gift of the name I've always wanted.

Growing up, I didn't have a lot of grandparent interaction.  My maternal grandfather died before I was born.  My maternal grandmother died when I was 3.  And my paternal grandfather died when I was in 3rd grade.  That leaves my paternal Grandmother, GiGi.  She was a huge part of my childhood and early adulthood.  Her name was Janet, a name I didn't love.  But her mother's name was Genevieve.  She died a month after I was born. I just know that my GiGi would be so thrilled to know that her great granddaughter carried her mom's name.

Genevieve Crooks - 10/5/1882 - 12/5/1977

The perfect pairing with the long name Genevieve is Jane.  Ryan grew up with some fantastic grandparents.  His maternal grandmother, Jane, just died a few years ago.  Ryan has so many great stories from her and his grandpa.  They were truly fantastic grandparents.  And when I came into the picture, Grams welcomed me with open arms and treated me as her own.  On her death bed, I was pregnant with David.  I got to tell her that if he was a girl, the middle name would be Jane.  David ended up being David and so we waited. But God blessed us with another girl.  And I got to fulfill my promise to Grams.  Her name would be passed.

Jane Taylor - 10/17/1919 - 08/21/2011

After everything we have been through, I was starting to give up on the dream of a 3rd child and my Genevieve Jane.  But now we have our own Genevieve Jane.  I plan on framing these 3 pictures together in her room.  What a legacy.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD.” - 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Dear Kindergarten Ainsley

I went to a brunch today for Ainsley's class.  We were asked to prepare something to say about our children.  Knowing that there was a chance I would be in the hospital having a baby, I wrote mine out for someone else to read.  But I got to go.  And it was a wonderful time.

 

 

I thought I would share what I wrote about Ainsley as well.  She is so precious to me.

My Dearest Ainsley

In the Bible, God changes people’s names before He does something major in their lives.  When you were born, God changed my name.  I was no longer just Tracey.  I was now Mommy.  And God changed me in a big way when you were born.  He made more complete into the person that He wanted me to be.  The biggest way He changed me was in my love.  He taught me brand new ways to love someone and that someone is you.

I wanted to share some things about you and how very proud I am of you.  This year has been a huge year for you and it has been a joy to watch you grow; Physically, Academically, and Spiritually.

This year I have seen you grow so much physically.  You are always on the move and your dad and I have loved watching it happen.  Your growth in your swimming has been amazing.  We watched you grow from the summer last year where you were scared to do a lap in freestyle to this past meet when you won your heat.  It was also so fun to watch you learn to ride your bike and now race around the neighborhood with your friends.

Ainsley you are becoming a wonderful student as well.  I have loved watching you grow in your love of learning.  It’s been awesome to see you go from barely reading at all to reading 30 page books and trying to read everything you see.  You are a sponge and are soaking everything in and we love it!

The biggest thing I have seen this year is your spiritual growth. We have watched as you memorized scripture and learned about the Bible at home, school, and in church.  This is the year that the gospel became clear to you.  You asked Jesus into your heart this year and your father and I are so excited.  There is nothing bigger you will ever do in your life.  Just this past week, you courageously spoke to Pastor Jeff about being baptized.  That’s a huge deal and we cannot wait to stand up with you on the day that it happens. 

Ainsley, you are going to continue to grow in your life.  We know you are going to go places and be a leader.  Your dad and I want to encourage you to keep growing.  Keep pushing yourself.  And most importantly, follow Christ always.

 

It Could Be So Different

Reflection is a good thing.  Looking back on where you have been and what the Lord has done is always a good exercise. 

I'm sitting in my quiet house tonight with 2 sleeping kids with my hand on my stomach feeling the baby in my womb move around.  Ryan is out of town on a business trip.  He never travels so this is a strange occurrence for me.  And as I sit here by myself, I can't help but think of what it would be like if he weren't here.

Ryan and I met when we were very young.  I was a freshman in college and he was a junior.  Neither of us really knew who we were.  We were starry eyed teenagers.  Well I was.  He was an old man at the age of 20!  In all practicality, he was the only boyfriend I ever had (those boyfriends that lasted 2 months in high school just don't count).

We got engaged when I had just turned 21.  On February 5th 15 years ago, we got married at the ages of 22 and 24. 

As I look forward to our 15th anniversary next week, I'm just struck by the Lord's goodness to us.  We both had relationships with God when we got married.  But we didn't really know God.  We were not just young in age, but young in our faith.  We both had grown up in the church, but we didn't really have a firm grasp on the character of God and our own character and our own imperfections.

Over the past 15 years we have dealt with our share of good times and bad.  We have moved over 600 miles away and back again.  We have endured bad jobs.  We have celebrated great jobs.  We have adopted dogs and watched as those dogs got old and died.  We have been to weddings.  We have been to funerals.  We have had children.  We have lost children. 

And now here we are.  Closer than ever.  And I can't help but ask why.  My only answer has to be grace and grace that can only come from a Heavenly Father who loves us so very much.  As we have been through all those things, the best part is actually watching each other grow in Christ and knowing that we are walking this path together.  It's because of His graciousness that we are here.  Oh how different it could be. 

And as we cling to Him in all things, I can't help but be reminded of the scripture that our wedding was based around.  We built our rings around it.  We have built our lives around it.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

⁹ Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. ¹⁰ For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! ¹¹ Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? ¹² And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

 

 

Fear

This pregnancy has been hard.  Everything from the morning sickness, to the exhaustion, to the emotional stress has been harder.  I'm not saying this is the hardest pregnancy that anyone has every experienced, but it's been my hardest.

I've been in counseling since before I even got pregnant.  I was having a hard time getting pregnant after the loss of the twins and I needed some biblical counsel.

The other night I was putting Ainsley to bed and she asked me to feel the baby.  The baby has been moving a good bit and Ainsley loves to put her hand on my belly and connect with her new sibling.  As she put her hand on my belly, I told her that the baby wasn't moving.  As I thought about it, I couldn't remember when the baby moved last, which is unusual since this baby is active. 

I didn't say anything to her or even to Ryan.  I just moved past it for their sake.  By the time I got to the couch about 45 minutes later, I was in a complete panic attack.  I started freaking out.  The fear gripped me.  It took a hold of me and started to strangle every breath out of me.

Did I pray?  No.  I just sat there and let the fear grip me.  About 30 minutes later, there was movement.  And all was fine again. 

But was it really.  Why do I do that?  Why do I let this fear get a hold of me?

God does give us encouragement though.  I was reading in my Bible the next day about Peter walking on the water.  I got to thinking about how he had just seen Jesus feed 5000 people and He was standing on the water right in front of him.  And yet he was fearful.  In the midst of great miracles and great evidence of a God who loves him, Peter was still full of fear.  He began to sink.  And yet, Jesus in His great mercy gave Peter his hand and pulled him back up. 

Isn't that just what God does for us?  We know Him.  We trust Him, mostly.  And when we start to fear and doubt, He reaches for us.  He gives us the encouragement we need, when we need it.  He may rebuke us for our lack of faith, but He is there.  Waiting to rescue us.

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

 

For Thine is the Kingdom

3 Years ago yesterday we were beginning a journey of loss that just about did me in.  We had lost our precious baby.  Miscarriage.  A taboo in the world to even talk about.  But I did.  And it was very much about me.  I was very focused on my self and my brokenness.  I was lost and alone.  No one understood what I was going through despite the millions of other women who experience miscarriage.  I was selfish and full of self pity. 

I came out of it.  I learned about myself.  I learned about redemption.  And then I had David.  And I thought more about how great it was and how great he was for me.  My thoughts were still very much about me. 

When we first found out that we were pregnant, I initially was scared of miscarriage.  It's my knee jerk reaction.  And then we found out it was twins.  My friend Kate and I were texting one night about miscarriage and the fear that will taint every pregnancy that either of us will ever have.  Her comment to me rocked me.  She just said "Praying for a 'to God be the Glory' story for you all"

It was in that moment that I had a perspective shift.  I knew then that losing these twins was a possibility greater than keeping them.  Twins, especially identical twins, are very risky pregnancies.  Something told me that I was going to lose them.  And something told me it was going to be a "to God be the Glory" story.

And we did lose them.  On Monday November 11, 2013 we went in for an ultrasound.  We found that one baby  had died at 6 + weeks and one had died at 8 weeks. 

After the D&C on Tuesday afternoon, I came home and kept telling Ryan and my mother (who flew in like a rockstar!) that I was numb and I was just not feeling anything.  During the past 2 weeks I have felt guilty for not feeling more.  I was feeling like this ride of emotions that we were on for the past weeks had come to a stop and I was just happy to get off.  I was worn out and done emoting.

But that's not it.  I'm not numb.  I'm not denying reality.  I 'm not just relieved to be off the ride. 

I'm at peace.  My focus isn't on me.  I am not bitter.  I am sad but not destroyed.  My focus is on the one who is now holding more of our children than I am. 

I am mostly glad that God had just given me strength.  He has given me peace.  He has loved me.  He knows what's best for me.  Where I want to be is praising Him.  I want more than anything to shout from the rooftops of how good He is.  That He has made all things well.

We have been studying the Lord's prayer in Sunday school.  When you think about the prayer, it starts with Our Father.  It goes through Worship and acknowledging His kingdom.  And then it goes to us.  Our needs, our forgiveness, delivering us.  But then it goes back to His Kingdom. 

When I think about the past 8 weeks I can only think one thing. 

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.  Amen

Get Off Google

I recently had a friend ask my advice on baby products.  Having been there and done that, I felt pretty good about answering her questions.  I know those answers.  I wrote her a lengthy email with my "pearls of wisdom" I have from parenting my 2 children.

When I got pregnant with the twins and before I knew they were twins I felt pretty confident.  I knew what I was doing.  I was an experienced mom.  Sure, the transition from 2 to 3 kids was going to be tough, but I had a level of confidence.  At least I wasn't starting at ground zero.  I had already done that.

And then I was told that we were having twins.

It is almost like starting over at ground zero.  And yet my resources of people to ask my questions to is a much smaller group.  And so I have been doing what any normal person does, I go to Google.

I was talking with a friend today about possibly changing OB/GYN offices.  There is so much to think about and I feel like I'm starting over in pregnancy too.  As we were talking about things, I was explaining how all these little questions were overwhelming me. 

She wisely told me that I was using Google and knowledge as a way to control the anxiety and worry.  I was spending so much time worrying about the future, that I wasn't enjoying the today.  My fear of tomorrow was paralyzing my today.  She wisely called this what it is...sin. 

And then she encouraged me to take a sabbatical from Google.  And to do it regularly.  And to take the time to really think about the now.  To enjoy the now.  And to most importantly, trust in the One who put us in this situation in the first place.  After all, I didn't choose this.  God chose me for this. 

I will have plenty of time for researching, just not all at once.  I really don't need to know how to wear 2 babies, or how to breastfeed 2 babies, or how to bathe 2 babies right now.  I will need to know some day. 

But not today.

Seek First His Kingdom

The diagnosis of potentially high risk twins threw me into a loop of worry and fear.  I was not letting myself attach to these precious babies in my womb.  I was so scared something was going to happen to them and was trying to guard myself against unpredictable hurt.

During that first week there was just so many things going through my head.  Trying to figure out if we quickly try to sell our 3 bedroom house for something bigger.  Trying to figure out how I nurse 2 babies at once.  Worrying about how much more my other children will need from me so they don't feel left out.  But we had 3 major things going through our heads.

First, the risk of miscarriage was still high.  We had that weird blood work  and the risks are just higher with twins.  Having been through a miscarriage before, the thought never leaves your head. 

And then I have spent way too much time researching the ins and outs of identical twins.  Google can be a blessing and a curse.  I began to play probabilities in my head.  The possibility of them being in one sac is just frightening and overwhelming. 

Thirdly, we were not planning on this pregnancy so we did not have maternity coverage.  I do have regular insurance and was planning on picking up maternity coverage at the first of the year.  But that leaves me with roughly 60 days worth of uncovered expenses.  With a normal pregnancy, this wouldn't have been a big deal.  We could have floated a couple of appointments and made it not a problem.  But with these potentially high risk twins, that's not the case.

So fear and worry began to camp out in my soul.  I cried easily.  I was just so anxiety ridden.  I called in a couple of friends to pray for me.  And God has worked in mighty ways in just a few days. 

My fear of miscarriage was probably the top of my list.  I have friends that get so sick when they are pregnant that they have no doubt that things are going well.  I on the other hand usually just feel a little off.  I specifically asked my friends to pray that I would have some physical sign that things were going well.  Literally hours after I asked them to pray for that, I was stricken by a general queasiness, nothing debilitating, but enough to know it was there.  And then there is my stomach.  Being a 3rd pregnancy and the fact that I've recently lost weight, I started showing early.  And the twins really really make a difference.  Here I am at not even 7 weeks.

 

My fear over the finances was taking a hold of me too.  These ultrasounds that I am going to need are going to be expensive.  And God is working here too.  He put in my path a friend of mine who actually works at the health department.  Without going into the complicated process and details of "the system", I can just tell you that God is working this out perfectly.  I have people holding my hand and leading me through this process.  

The final fear of them being in one sac was I think the most debilitating.  I turned away from Google and turned to the Word.  And like God promises, He used it in mighty ways to speak to me personally.  In Sunday school, we were talking about the Lord's prayer.  The class is taking the prayer line by line.  Since I spend every other week in the nursery, I usually miss a good bit of Sunday school.  But I was there to hear about "Your kingdom come, Your will be done."  And I was struck by how I was looking for MY kingdom and MY will.  I was having an especially hard day on Monday and so I sat down to do my BSF homework.  It brought me right back to the Lord's Prayer and to Matthew 6.  Tears were streaming down my face as God spoke to me personally through His word.  I surrendered my fear and felt a giant weight lifted from my shoulders.  I just can't explain this supernatural peace that God gave to me.  All I can say is that the Holy Spirit is at work in mighty ways.

Sitting here today at almost exactly 1 week out from the beginning of this whirlwind ride, I am struck by how much God is working.  And despite the constant fear that probably won't ever go away until the day that I die, these twins are His.  Whether I get to keep them for 7 weeks or 100 years, God only knows.  God made them and He made them for Ryan and me to care for.  And no matter how much I try to guard myself, I cannot stop the love that God has already given me for these 2 precious babies. 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own.  Matthew 6:33-34