So Far

After having the miscarriage in November, I thought that being pregnant again would be the best thing ever.  And while we are very excited, it hasn't been the best thing ever. 

Ainsley's pregnancy was so easy.  I was naive and just assumed everything was fine at every turn.  I never got sick and had very little symptoms.  Although I didn't feel her move until 20 weeks, I didn't know any different.  Each checkup brought excitement and wonderful anticipation. This pregnancy has been 100% the opposite. 

From the day that I found out I was pregnant, the anxiety hit.  Actually, I knew I was pregnant a good week before I took the test.  I am an early tester but this time I was determined to wait until I was sure I would get an accurate result.  So at 4 weeks and 2 days, I took a test.  If you know anything about pregnancy tests, you know you are supposed to do them first thing in the morning.  Feeling like I had already waited an eternity, I didn't wait until morning and took my test after I got home from work.  Before I could even put it down, the test came up blaring positive.  I started to laugh but immediately the fear set in.

I told Ryan the exact same way I have told him each time.  He got home from work and he met me in the kitchen.  I handed him the test without saying a word and the look on his face was awesome, as it has been all 3 times. 

But from that moment on, the anxiety has just grown.  With each trip to the doctor, I have major panic and fear.  It usually starts 2 to 3 days before my appointment.  I start to doubt the pregnancy and fear the worst.  Then the night before I usually end up not sleeping and feeling like a hot mess.  My wonderful husband has been a rock star and continually lays hands on me and prays over me.  It's the only thing that puts me at ease at all.

I have felt sicker this pregnancy than with either of the other 2.  It seems to have hit at night around 4:00 to the time when I go to bed.  This vegetarian could not stand the thought of cooked veggies.  Not the ideal situation for sure.  But through the sickness and shear exhaustion, I was able to thank God for signs that this pregnancy was indeed different.

We were able to go in for an ultrasound at 7.5 weeks and then heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks.  I was scheduled for another ultrasound on July 11th.  After a relaxing week away with family, I came back that Monday morning to another appointment and another round of anxiety.  Ainsley and I were about 10 minutes away from getting to the doctor's office when my cell phone rang telling me that my appointment had been postponed a day. 

Sounds like not a big deal but then I looked at the calendar.  My ultrasound was now scheduled for what should have been my due date.  This seemed to double the anxiety.  I was already dreading that day but now I had the pressure of an ultrasound on top of it.  What if something went wrong.  Could I handle that on an already hard day? 

There are 2 ultrasound techs at our doctors office.  The one who told me we were miscarrying and the other one who has the sweetest heart.  I schedule my appointments with the other one just out of fear.  The one that told us we were miscarrying is fine and good at her job, but that image is permanently ingrained in my head.  When the appointment was rescheduled I didn't even think about it.  We got to the office and I saw her right away.  I looked at Ryan, who seemed to be clueless as to what I was even talking about and asked him to pray again. 

And everything was fine.  And now I am not feeling as sick.  I'm getting bigger by what seems to be the hour, although not according to the scale (which is awesome!).  But I'm not feeling the baby move yet.  And so the anxiety remains. 

Looking back at the past year, I realize that my life is not in my control.  I've lived my whole life that way.  I say that I trust God but really I trust myself.  And now I can't do that.  I only have one option.  Prayer and Faith in a good God.  But a God who promises trials.  A God who stretches us and helps us grow.  A God who loves us and carries our burdens.  And that's enough for me.  I'm not responsible for carrying this burden and this anxiety.  It's not mine to hold, just like this baby isn't mine to hold.  It's His. 

And that is a relief.