For Thine is the Kingdom

3 Years ago yesterday we were beginning a journey of loss that just about did me in.  We had lost our precious baby.  Miscarriage.  A taboo in the world to even talk about.  But I did.  And it was very much about me.  I was very focused on my self and my brokenness.  I was lost and alone.  No one understood what I was going through despite the millions of other women who experience miscarriage.  I was selfish and full of self pity. 

I came out of it.  I learned about myself.  I learned about redemption.  And then I had David.  And I thought more about how great it was and how great he was for me.  My thoughts were still very much about me. 

When we first found out that we were pregnant, I initially was scared of miscarriage.  It's my knee jerk reaction.  And then we found out it was twins.  My friend Kate and I were texting one night about miscarriage and the fear that will taint every pregnancy that either of us will ever have.  Her comment to me rocked me.  She just said "Praying for a 'to God be the Glory' story for you all"

It was in that moment that I had a perspective shift.  I knew then that losing these twins was a possibility greater than keeping them.  Twins, especially identical twins, are very risky pregnancies.  Something told me that I was going to lose them.  And something told me it was going to be a "to God be the Glory" story.

And we did lose them.  On Monday November 11, 2013 we went in for an ultrasound.  We found that one baby  had died at 6 + weeks and one had died at 8 weeks. 

After the D&C on Tuesday afternoon, I came home and kept telling Ryan and my mother (who flew in like a rockstar!) that I was numb and I was just not feeling anything.  During the past 2 weeks I have felt guilty for not feeling more.  I was feeling like this ride of emotions that we were on for the past weeks had come to a stop and I was just happy to get off.  I was worn out and done emoting.

But that's not it.  I'm not numb.  I'm not denying reality.  I 'm not just relieved to be off the ride. 

I'm at peace.  My focus isn't on me.  I am not bitter.  I am sad but not destroyed.  My focus is on the one who is now holding more of our children than I am. 

I am mostly glad that God had just given me strength.  He has given me peace.  He has loved me.  He knows what's best for me.  Where I want to be is praising Him.  I want more than anything to shout from the rooftops of how good He is.  That He has made all things well.

We have been studying the Lord's prayer in Sunday school.  When you think about the prayer, it starts with Our Father.  It goes through Worship and acknowledging His kingdom.  And then it goes to us.  Our needs, our forgiveness, delivering us.  But then it goes back to His Kingdom. 

When I think about the past 8 weeks I can only think one thing. 

For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.  Amen

Get Off Google

I recently had a friend ask my advice on baby products.  Having been there and done that, I felt pretty good about answering her questions.  I know those answers.  I wrote her a lengthy email with my "pearls of wisdom" I have from parenting my 2 children.

When I got pregnant with the twins and before I knew they were twins I felt pretty confident.  I knew what I was doing.  I was an experienced mom.  Sure, the transition from 2 to 3 kids was going to be tough, but I had a level of confidence.  At least I wasn't starting at ground zero.  I had already done that.

And then I was told that we were having twins.

It is almost like starting over at ground zero.  And yet my resources of people to ask my questions to is a much smaller group.  And so I have been doing what any normal person does, I go to Google.

I was talking with a friend today about possibly changing OB/GYN offices.  There is so much to think about and I feel like I'm starting over in pregnancy too.  As we were talking about things, I was explaining how all these little questions were overwhelming me. 

She wisely told me that I was using Google and knowledge as a way to control the anxiety and worry.  I was spending so much time worrying about the future, that I wasn't enjoying the today.  My fear of tomorrow was paralyzing my today.  She wisely called this what it is...sin. 

And then she encouraged me to take a sabbatical from Google.  And to do it regularly.  And to take the time to really think about the now.  To enjoy the now.  And to most importantly, trust in the One who put us in this situation in the first place.  After all, I didn't choose this.  God chose me for this. 

I will have plenty of time for researching, just not all at once.  I really don't need to know how to wear 2 babies, or how to breastfeed 2 babies, or how to bathe 2 babies right now.  I will need to know some day. 

But not today.