Tuesday, January 20, 2015


This pregnancy has been hard.  Everything from the morning sickness, to the exhaustion, to the emotional stress has been harder.  I'm not saying this is the hardest pregnancy that anyone has every experienced, but it's been my hardest.

I've been in counseling since before I even got pregnant.  I was having a hard time getting pregnant after the loss of the twins and I needed some biblical counsel.

The other night I was putting Ainsley to bed and she asked me to feel the baby.  The baby has been moving a good bit and Ainsley loves to put her hand on my belly and connect with her new sibling.  As she put her hand on my belly, I told her that the baby wasn't moving.  As I thought about it, I couldn't remember when the baby moved last, which is unusual since this baby is active. 

I didn't say anything to her or even to Ryan.  I just moved past it for their sake.  By the time I got to the couch about 45 minutes later, I was in a complete panic attack.  I started freaking out.  The fear gripped me.  It took a hold of me and started to strangle every breath out of me.

Did I pray?  No.  I just sat there and let the fear grip me.  About 30 minutes later, there was movement.  And all was fine again. 

But was it really.  Why do I do that?  Why do I let this fear get a hold of me?

God does give us encouragement though.  I was reading in my Bible the next day about Peter walking on the water.  I got to thinking about how he had just seen Jesus feed 5000 people and He was standing on the water right in front of him.  And yet he was fearful.  In the midst of great miracles and great evidence of a God who loves him, Peter was still full of fear.  He began to sink.  And yet, Jesus in His great mercy gave Peter his hand and pulled him back up. 

Isn't that just what God does for us?  We know Him.  We trust Him, mostly.  And when we start to fear and doubt, He reaches for us.  He gives us the encouragement we need, when we need it.  He may rebuke us for our lack of faith, but He is there.  Waiting to rescue us.

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

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