Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Operation No More Babies

Ryan and I recently made the decision to have no more children.  We have 3 beautiful children here on this earth and 3 children waiting for us in heaven.  Our years of fertility have brought great joy and great sadness.  Putting those years behind us is bitter sweet.

When I was pregnat with Genevieve I was sure that I would not think twice about getting my tubes tied.  Pregnancy was hard. Harder than it had been before.  Each day that passed toward the end came with stronger thoughts of being "done".

I made the appointment within 10 days of her birth.  I was sure that these 3 beautiful children were all that I could care for well.  And so it was time to put that stage of our lives behind us. (Side note for anyone wondering why I did the surgery and not Ryan.  It was a financial decision.  We are on separate insurance and mine was 100% covered and he would have had to meet his deductible.  Can't beat free surgery.)
And yet, when walked into the hospital yesterday for my surgery, I got sad.  Ryan kept asking me if I was ok.  I just kept saying yes.  But inside I was quite sad.  I know in my head that it's the right decision.  But my heart aches just knowing those years are over.

No more pregnant bellies.  Each first that Genevieve goes through is the last time I will see that first.  Each outfit she outgrows will be donated.  Each stage she leaves behind will be another stage we leave behind as well.

Part of that is freeing. Part of that is really sad.  But you have to stop sometime.  It doesn't matter if this is my last baby or if we had one more after this.  I will have to go through those "lasts" at some point.

It is officially over now.  The surgery is done.  There is no turning back.  I will hold on to these lasts as much as I possibly can.  And I will soak in as much joy as I can from the lasts that are coming down the road.

But if you see me getting overly emotional at the little things Genevieve does, just know that I am savoring those moments.  She is officially the baby and will be forever.

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