The Line in the Sand

A Line in the sand is defined as a point beyond which, once the decision to go beyond it is made, the decision and its resulting consequences are permanently decided and irreversible.

As parents we think we make these.  Decisions of how we will be as a parent. We say them out loud and say we will never do this or we will only do that.  We judge other people by these decisions.  We often take pride in these decisions.  Usually these are not the small decisions.  These are the "big" things. 

• I will rear face my child's car seat until at least 2 years old
• I will never give formula
• I will not give my child sugar and soda
• I will discipline a certain way.

You get it.  

Well one of those lines got broken for me this week.  

Genevieve was born at 9lbs 2oz.  She was a big baby.  But since then, her weight has been slipping.  At her 4 month check, she weighed 13lbs 2oz.  She has only gained 4lbs in her little life.  The doctor didn't seem overly concerned but then I had to see a lactation consultant for thrush.  In a 2 week span, she gained nothing.  Zero.  Stayed the exact same.  

This isn't ok.  She's eating for survival and not for growth.  I've been doing all the things to increase supply and it's just not working. The doctor and the lactation consultant want me supplementing 1-2 ounces after each feeding.  I'm continuing to breast feed but I just needed a little help to boost her weight.

Leading up to that bottle this morning, I have been so conflicted.  Realizing my body just isn't the same as it used to be is tough.  Realizing that I can't do what I want to do is hard.  

And then when I gave that bottle this morning she didn't want it.  Oh my heart.  

That being said, I do believe God is working on me.  I've taken pride in what my body can do and how healthy we try to be.  And through pregnancy and now breastfeeding, I'm realizing the sinfulness in this.  Yes, I should take care of my body, but it has become something I value more than I should.  

So it's time to let go.  Time to take the help where I can get it.  Whether it be a couple scoops of formula to try out from a friend or 60 ounces of frozen breastmilk from another.  I will push through this and continue to try and feed Genevieve my milk.  But I can't let it be my identity.  

My mother in law had it just right this morning when I spoke with her.  This is not about me and my feelings.  This is about helping my baby grow and thrive.  Grow baby grow.