The Anti-Krumroy

My head has been all over the place the past few days.  I just finished throwing a baby shower for my brother in law and his wife for their baby girl who is due to arrive at the end of April.  On top of that, my very difficult breastfeeding relationship with Genevieve is coming to an end this week.  I'm going out of town without her and I'm already down to just one feeding a day.  My body is done and so are we. 

My baby girl is turning 1 in just about a month.  This is doing what all first birthdays do, making me look back at our first year.  The first year is full of so many milestones and decisions.  The first birthday party is so much more about the parents then the baby because it is such a year of growth for any parent, regardless if it is your first or your last.

When Genevieve first started needing formula, I was having a conversation with a friend and he jokingly told me that she was the "Anti-Krumroy" baby.  At the time this thought hurt my feelings because I was just so sad that it was true.  She was on formula.  She wasn't getting homemade baby food, she was in disposable diapers.  She was everything that I thought I was wrong with other people's parenting.

It's been 6 months since then.  And I no longer cringe when I give Genevieve a bottle of formula in public.  I no longer look around to see who is judging me for it.  I really think this is because I've stopped judging myself.  And when I stopped judging myself, I stopped judging others. 

There are other ways that this has come out in my parenting of her.  For example, just yesterday we were outside and instead of holding her or putting her in the swing so she wouldn't get dirty, I let her crawl around in the grass, the dirt, and the pine straw.  This was something I never would have let my other kids do.  What if they ate dirt?  Or got their clothes dirty?  Or? Or?

So have those decisions that I made that made Genevieve the "Anti-Krumroy" hurt her?  Most definitely not.  She's my first child to have any kind of separation anxiety when she leaves me, proving just how much she loves me.  When I leave the room, she seeks me out. She's growing and healthy.  And that smile.  Oh that smile.  She may just be the happiest baby I have ever seen.  "Anti-Krumroy"?  I don't think so.  She is the final piece of this Krumroy puzzle.

Every time you have a child you change.  Ainsley made me a first time mom and I changed into a brand new role.  David taught me what it meant to love a little boy.  And Genevieve, she taught me to let go.  Thanks kids.  I'm better because of you, all of you!

Dear Kindergarten Ainsley

I went to a brunch today for Ainsley's class.  We were asked to prepare something to say about our children.  Knowing that there was a chance I would be in the hospital having a baby, I wrote mine out for someone else to read.  But I got to go.  And it was a wonderful time.

 

 

I thought I would share what I wrote about Ainsley as well.  She is so precious to me.

My Dearest Ainsley

In the Bible, God changes people’s names before He does something major in their lives.  When you were born, God changed my name.  I was no longer just Tracey.  I was now Mommy.  And God changed me in a big way when you were born.  He made more complete into the person that He wanted me to be.  The biggest way He changed me was in my love.  He taught me brand new ways to love someone and that someone is you.

I wanted to share some things about you and how very proud I am of you.  This year has been a huge year for you and it has been a joy to watch you grow; Physically, Academically, and Spiritually.

This year I have seen you grow so much physically.  You are always on the move and your dad and I have loved watching it happen.  Your growth in your swimming has been amazing.  We watched you grow from the summer last year where you were scared to do a lap in freestyle to this past meet when you won your heat.  It was also so fun to watch you learn to ride your bike and now race around the neighborhood with your friends.

Ainsley you are becoming a wonderful student as well.  I have loved watching you grow in your love of learning.  It’s been awesome to see you go from barely reading at all to reading 30 page books and trying to read everything you see.  You are a sponge and are soaking everything in and we love it!

The biggest thing I have seen this year is your spiritual growth. We have watched as you memorized scripture and learned about the Bible at home, school, and in church.  This is the year that the gospel became clear to you.  You asked Jesus into your heart this year and your father and I are so excited.  There is nothing bigger you will ever do in your life.  Just this past week, you courageously spoke to Pastor Jeff about being baptized.  That’s a huge deal and we cannot wait to stand up with you on the day that it happens. 

Ainsley, you are going to continue to grow in your life.  We know you are going to go places and be a leader.  Your dad and I want to encourage you to keep growing.  Keep pushing yourself.  And most importantly, follow Christ always.

 

Get Outside

Ainsley is an inside girl.  She really doesn't care if she ever goes outside.  At least that's how she used to be.  When I used to work, her nanny had 2 little boys who loved to be outside so she would go out and pretty much just sit there.  I never really minded this much.  I'm mostly an inside girl myself.  I prefer to be in the kitchen or on the computer.  If I had time, I would love to curl up on the couch and read a book (but who in the world has time for that!)

When David was born and he was indeed a "he", I knew my life as an insider was probably over. 

I have taken him outside some but taking a kid who can't walk outside is really just messy.  We have been to the park and it took everything I had to let him play in the sandbox.  But I did.  And he got messy.  And had to ride home in just his diaper.  But I did it.  And I was pretty proud of myself.

This past weekend was gorgeous!  Ryan and I took both kids to a local park.  While Ryan was up on the top of the playground essentially forcing Ainsley down the big slide, I was following David around.  Now that he's walking with ease, he just had a blast walking around all the kids.  I put him on the top of the baby slide and gave him a little nudge.  He literally squealed.  So I put him up there again and before I could even nudge him, he had figured out how to get himself going. 

 

 All that to say, that my time is now going to be spent more outside than I probably would like.  But that's ok.  Because to see this kid happy is worth every bit of it. 

Listening to him laugh and squeal as the wind hits his face or when he sees something in the woods (like 15 deer running by or a wild turkey chilling out in our neighborhood).

 

Seeing him light up and point as the school bus drives by..

 

Or maybe just seeing the biggest smile ever.

And frankly it's good for me.  And it was actually fun.  I think my inside girl even enjoyed herself. 

Closed Chapter

It's official.  I'm unemployed.  I finished cleaning out my office today and distributing the last few things to coworkers.  I went into my boss's office and handed in my key card. 

And just like that, I walked out.  I didn't stop to say a lot of goodbyes.  I'm not good at that. 

And I'm also not good at closure.  I think I have a hard time coming to grips with reality.  Chapters close in life and when they do they bring unfamiliar territory ahead.  And when that happens we cling to what we know and where we have been. 

But I have to let go.  My boss said I could stop by any time.  I won't do that.  That part of my life is over.  At least for now.  I need to charge forward. 

And that means leaving an empty office for a house full of love.  And cupcakes to make for my 4 year old's birthday party on Saturday.  Way more fun!

Stay at Home Mom

I decided in the beginning of April that I would leave my career and become a stay at home mom.  That was a long time ago.  And because we didn't think it was wise to give an extended notice, I have had to be quiet about it.  Most of my friends that I see all the time knew.  But I couldn't be public about it the way that I wanted to be.  I put the idea of changing careers on a shelf to process later.  I would get to it later.  At the time I was just too busy to even think about it.

And now it's out there.  And I'm processing big time.  It seems like every 5 minutes I have a different emotion about it.  I feel like I'm all over the map.

So the first thing I need to do is confess.  I haven't ever liked the idea of being a stay at home mom.  There are stigmas with it.  There are some women who do it really well and thankfully I have a quite a few of them in my life.  But there are others that don't.  They lose themselves and become so focused on their kids that they can't talk about anything else.  I have been very vocal about this over the years.  It was one of the things that I told myself was great about having a job. 

And when God rocked my world and called me to be a stay at home mom, I was shocked.  Even writing that "stay at home mom" seems to make my insides curl.  But in obedience, I followed the Lord's prompting and took steps to quit my job. 

I also took steps to make sure that I wouldn't lose myself.  I tried to join a group full of a bunch of women that were either single or didn't have kids (with the exception of 1).  I was reaching for some way to hold on to this life that I used to have.  In His mercy, it did not work out.  I shed way too many tears about it and I kept thinking that it was about my feelings being hurt.  Now I can see that it was partly that, but it was also a type of mourning.  It was a realization that I'm just not in that place anymore. 

I have been talking with my friend Katie a lot recently.  She just had a baby with Down Syndrome.  She is having her own transitional phase as she adjusts to what her new normal looks like.  She said something to me the other day that just really helped me process my own transition.  She told me that if she tried not to talk about Down Syndrome and tried to pretend like her daughter would not change her that would be a lie. 

And that's how I am starting to feel.  I was trying to be obedient to the Lord but I was only doing it part way.  I was doing it in all the practical ways, but I wasn't doing it in the emotional and spiritual ways.  I was fighting it in my mind.  And what I need to do is let it change me.  Let God work in me and help me become the person He wants me to be. 

Katie also told me is that being a stay at home mom is not a step backwards.

Indeed.

I'm Retiring

Obviously you know that I just had a baby.  And you also know that I have a 4 year old (a couple days shy of!).  And you also know that I have a job that I work part time.

I have always said that I live in the best of both worlds.  I get to be a mom and I get to work in corporate America as a computer programmer and continue a career that I have built for the past 13 years.

I went back to work with a fair bit of ease after Ainsley was born.  The adjustment period wasn't that bad.  Frankly, I was bored at home and welcomed the distraction of a job to go to.  If you had an easy baby and can tell me that the newborn stage is not boring once you hit the 12 week mark, you are just lying.  Ainsley was easy and all she did was eat, sleep, and poop.  By the end of my maternity leave with her I was replacing light fixtures in my house.

Life went on and dropping her off with her nanny (who I just adored!) became the new normal.  Ainsley thrived under MaryBeth's care.  And my career continued to thrive.  Best of both worlds.

And then came David.  And with the birth of another baby came another maternity leave.  I welcomed the time at home.  The break from my job felt great.  But I thought of it just as that, a break.

About 10 weeks into my 12 week maternity leave God change my heart in pretty dramatic fashion.  Ryan and I had saved a bunch of money for my 12 weeks of unpaid leave.  It hit me, we hadn't touched it.  I started to look back at the previous 10 weeks.  I wasn't bored.  Actually, I was happier than I had been in a really long time.  I told a few of my closest friends about what I was thinking and they both told me that they had been praying that God would put this on my heart.

I went to a women's retreat with church that weekend.  The first thing out of our speaker's mouth was the title of her talk - When God Changes Your Life Plan.  That weekend solidified what was questionable in my head.  I was going to quit.  I didn't need time to think, I just needed time to wrap things up well.  I would go back and finish up in mid July.

Looking back, I realize that there is so much that I missed with Ainsley.  She's so fun to be around.  She has a great sense of humor and her imagination is priceless.  Taking her back and forth to preschool was a blessing.  I got to know her teachers and her friends.  The involvement in her daily life was just so much better than I could ever have imagined.  And now there was another little person that was going to grow up into more than just a baby.  Some day they will be teenagers and will need me more then ever as they learn to navigate this crazy world.  The choice started to become really clear in my head.

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I wasn't living in the best of both worlds.  I was living in the pretty good of both worlds.  The best of both worlds isn't really possible. 

And that means retiring from Corporate America. It means putting a career aside that will be very difficult to re-enter.  It means quitting the job I have had for 6 years and a career that I have built for 13 years.  It means that technology will move and I will be left behind.  It's not just quitting.  It's retiring. 

And I can't wait.

That Moment

That moment when your baby is wide awake in your arms, fighting sleep.

You rock and you sush.  You transfer all the love in your heart.

And you feel it.  As he begins to let go.  He trusts you.  He accepts that love.  His body becomes limp.  He is secure in your arms. 

He is asleep.

I'm holding on to that moment with everything I have.

Back to Reality

It's been a while since I blogged.  I'm not hitting my 5 blogs a month this month unless something very dramatic happens in the next 6 days. 

Since my last entry Ryan and I went to Mexico with his company.  It was a great time full of relaxation, guacamole, spa treatments, pretty dresses, blue lagoons (that's a drink that left my tongue blue for days if you were wondering), and good times with friends.

It started out a little rough when I dropped Ainsley off the night before we were supposed to leave at my faithful nanny, Mary Beth's house.  The drop went well and we were all packed by 10:00 ready to leave for the airport at 5:45 the next morning. 

I got the dreaded call at 10:20pm that night that Ainsley was sick and throwing up.  She had gotten the stomach bug.  I have to say that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - listen to my child cry for me over the phone, knowing that I couldn't go to her.  Mary Beth earned sainthood that night as Ainsley continued to be sick every 20 - 30 minutes until 4:00 am.  It was horrible.  But we knew it was a quick moving bug and she would be fine by the time we got to Mexico.  And she was. 

And we were able to really relax.  And it was amazing.  And my hair grew exponentially.  And I ate this soup that was half cream of spinach and half cream of tomato and stayed seperate but in the same bowl.  How cool.

We got back late on Sunday night to go to a full work week ahead.  I was catching up on my laundry when my dryer broke.  It's been on it's last leg for years and needed to be replaced desperately, but definitely not the week after vacation when the laundry back up was so high.  So I did what any sane person would do, I bought more laundry baskets...and a new dryer. 

It felt like we were finally catching up when Saturday night I came down with the same stinking stomach bug that Ainsley had a week and half earlier.  Kick my butt and knock me upside the head.  That stunk.  It was the worst I have been sick since who knows when.  Yikes.  The mommy guilt for leaving Ainsley hit a little harder too.  But I'm recovering.  And I have lost all the weight I gained in Mexico. 

And tomorrow looks like just a normal day.  Thank goodness for that.

Although I wish this was still the view out of my bedroom window.

The Examples

This Mother's Day is obviously special for me. It's my first one. I must say, I am enjoying motherhood more than I could ever imagine. I think it's because I have 2 wonderful examples of what it is to be a loving mother. My mothers are both very different and I feel blessed to have them in my life.

My Mother in Law (or should I say Mother in Love), Lonnie has shown me many things over the years. She has shown me how to be a supportive and encouraging mother. She supports her children in everything they do. She encourages them to dream and to follow through with those dreams. She encourages them all to be who God created them to be. She affirms their decisions and gives unconditional love even when they make decisions she doesn't agree with. She is very accepting of the women her sons have chosen to share their lives with. She has embraced both Jenny and I as daughters. She is down right a lovely person. I realized that I need more pictures of her because my most recent picture of her is with Ainsley right after she was born. Oops. Sorry.

Lonnie - I love you!

My mother has shown me how to exude grace as a mother. She encourages me constantly to look to the One who made us. She loves with such a nurturing spirit. When I think of my mother, I think of warm hugs and gentleness and of course homemade chocolate chip cookies. She is an example of how to love a child with Godly discipline. She is never quick to anger and is always slow to speak. She has shown me how to train children in the ways of God. She has shown me how to love a husband the way that God calls us to love husbands. All three of her daughters follow Jesus and I believe it's in a big part because of her influence. In my head, my mother is synonymous with Love.

Mom - I love you!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers in my life!

I am a Mom

Over the past couple of days I have been trying to get onto the computer to type a new post. On Wednesday I wanted to write something about work. On Thursday I wanted to write something about being married for 9 years (Happy Anniversary Ryan). On Friday I wanted to write about anything. Today I realize that I can only think of one thing in my life right now - my sick baby girl and my need to take care of her.

Ainsley woke up on Thursday morning sounding hoarse and sick. It came on very quickly. I quickly reshuffled schedules and brought her over to Ryan's mom's house. I called Leah and told her to look into finding a place for Logan for the afternoon. I went to work and tried to concentrate. My mind was one place - home with my baby. I left an hour early and came home to find a pathetic looking child who needed to see the doctor. We went to the doctor and were informed that she has croup. We were told to keep her sitting up and bring her out to the cold to help her breath. Make her sleep in her car seat sitting up. Mostly the instructions were to just let it run its course.

So here I am on Saturday afternoon and I haven't left the house since Thursday afternoon. I have spent time just cuddling and holding my baby. She has been sick before but nothing like this.

As I have held Ainsley a realization has really sunk into me for one of the first times. Prior to now I really felt like she could be happy with anyone. But now I know...I am her Mom. I am the one that she wants when she doesn't feel good. I am the one who is there to take care of her. I am the one who will let her cough so hard she throws up on me. I am the one who will hold her as she cries. I know I am many other things too. Those other parts of my life are important. But right now, I am only one thing...a Mom.