Thankful

Every year at Thanksgiving my mother in law passes around a small bowl of popcorn kernels.  Everyone takes one and passes it along.  When it comes back to you, you have to say what you are thankful for as you put your kernel back in the bowl.

For the past 2 years, we have been having Thanksgiving at my father in law's house instead.  Even though everyone always has a good laugh over my mother in law's goofy tradition, I have to say that I really have missed it. 

This year I have to say that I am most thankful for the fact that God's plan is not my plan.  There are so many areas in my life this year that God has changed my direction and now that I am on the other side of that change, I am so thankful that I don't make the plan.

Let's start in January.  Pretty obvious here...David was born.  But my plan was that he would be a girl.  That wasn't God's plan.  By this gift of a little boy, my heart has expanded so much.  I no longer feel sorry for parents of little boys.  I actually get excited about it.  How's that for a 180!

The next place God's plan overruled mine was working.  I often had said that I could never be a stay at home mom.  Never say never.  I am one.  And I love it.  I honestly have thought about my job and my career only 2 or 3 times since I left it.  And it's a look back with a thankfulness of what I had and where God has brought me to now.  I don't regret my time there and I don't regret my decision to leave it.

Finally, my plan never included running a home business.  Ryan's plan included it.  But not me.  I did it because I had to.  And now I look forward to waking up and checking to see how many orders we received while we were sleeping.  And God has blessed us so much this year with a growing business in a down economy.  Without it, I wouldn't be able to stay home.  By the way, if you are interested, our website is www.RenewedHealth.com.

So as I put my virtual popcorn kernel in the tiny bowl, I am again overwhelmed like I have been so many times before.  Overwhelmed with a thankful heart.  Thank you Lord for your plan.

Drifting

I've been lonely lately. 

When I quit my job, I wasn't coming home to be the mom of a firstborn newborn baby.  I was coming home to a 4 year old and a 6 month old.  My days look like preschool drop offs and running errands between morning and afternoon naps.  And boxes.  Tons of boxes.  Insert shameless plug for www.renewedhealth.com.  Wink wink.

I have been trying hard not to over commit myself during this transitional phase of my life.  In doing so, I have committed to BSF and that's it.  Now don't get me wrong, I love BSF.  But there isn't a lot of space for making friends.  It's pretty down to business bible studying.

So I have been looking around to the people I already know.  It seems like everyone is already established in their friendships and their routines.  I look to this group and I feel like an outsider.  That group too.  Where is my group of people?  Who is like me?  Where can I find the friends that I so desperately need?

And so I'm drifting. 

In BSF, we have been studying Genesis.  We just finished Noah.  There have been a few things that have been fresh with this new look at Noah.  First, God provided everything Noah needed, not just food, but sacrificial animals as well so that he could continue to worship.  Second, God shut the door to the ark.  In his mercy, God didn't make Noah the responsible one to pick the time that the door should be shut and the world condemned.  Third, Noah was alone for much of his life.  It took him 120 years to build the ark.  And once the flood came, they were on the boat for over a year. 

I think about Noah drifting after the rains had stopped.  Every day drifting, alone in a world of water.  It must have been achingly lonely.  And yet Genesis 8:1 gives me hope.

But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded.

 

 

In the midst of my own drifting, I have to remember that God provides.  He has great mercy and love for me.  I couldn't ask for anything better to hold on to while the waves of loneliness surround me.

 



Just Not Today

I haven't left the house for more than preschool drop off since Saturday when I spent an hour at Target.  Other than that, I have been somewhat of a hermit.

It's not by choice.  David has been sick for going on 3 weeks with a 1 week break in the middle.  Sunday was his worst day.  He had a fever that got up to 103.7.  Since then he has been getting fevers at night and is a snotty and coughing mess. 

And apparently he shares well.  I have had a runny nose and a cough since Sunday night. 

I have missed church 3 weeks in a row.  At this rate, I don't expect I'll be able to go this week as well. 

I have been going to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) on Wednesday mornings.  It's one of the highlights of my week.  I'm missing it today.  I've only made 1 of the past 3. 

And Ryan has a work function tonight that will keep him out later than normal.

Since David has been sick, he hasn't been nursing well.  Which means that I am slowly clearing a clogged duct.  I just put him down for a nap in which he completely refused to nurse.  I've never struggled with nursing before but having him cry hysterically and refuse me made me just about lose it. 

I've been a stay at home mom for 3 months now.  I can honestly say that I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I feel more grounded.  Life is good.

Just not today.

Dead Plants and New Hope

It's Monday morning.  The house is quiet except for the sound of cloth diapers drying in the dryer.  The house smells like fresh bread coming from my bread maker.  I just poured myself a second cup of coffee. 

It's a rare moment of quiet these days. 

I just finished working in the garden.  Our garden has been nearly dead for a while.  We let it get overgrown with weeds.  It really looked more like a jungle than a garden.  Yesterday I was in there with Ainsley and she looked at me and said, "This is a mess."

No kidding my dear.

But today I put on my garden shoes and gloves and went to work.  I pulled out 2 huge garbage cans of dead and dying plants and weeds.  I only did enough to clean out half of the garden.  The other half will have to wait for another day.

And in its place, I planted some new crops.  I may be too late, but it's worth a shot.  I planted lettuce, broccoli, and kale.  All things that we use on a weekly and almost daily basis.

 

There is order among the chaos now. 

 

And while I was out there by myself in the quiet of just the work, I was able to do some reflecting on my life.  It's been 2 months since I have been home with my kids.  There hasn't been many days where I have had time to even pee by myself.  I hardly sit down.  The days are full and the evenings are full. 

It's almost like God saw me in the midst of my own chaos and just started pulling.  He pulled and pulled and it hurt and felt like I was being ripped out from myself.  You see I liked those plants.  They weren't all weeds.  Some of them were the plants that fed us for so long.  They produced the fruit of yesterday.  There is even still fruit there. 

But God had different plans for me.  And in order to make room for the new plants, He had to pull some of the old ones.  The plants that had produced so much fruit in there season were now dead. 

And in the new space, there is hope.  Hope of days of sloppy faces, crayons, Candy Land, nursing my baby to sleep, trips to preschool, Bible Study Fellowship, cleaning schedules, homemade bread, delicious dinners, and so much more. 

Oh and shoes that don't fit into any dress code anywhere.

Thanks be to God for changing my life.

Canning

A couple years ago, I decided I wanted to start canning.  I had seen a show on PBS called Folkways and it sparked my interest.  This lady on there had a whole shed full of jars and jars of food preserved.  I got to thinking, I can do that. 

The first year I bought my tomatoes from a local store.  Since them I have been growing them.  My garden isn't pretty but man is it productive.  I can't even bring myself to show you a picture of it.  It's too embarrassing with all the weeds.  But here are 2 buckets of tomatoes that I picked out of it in just the past 2 days.

As I got more comfortable with the process, I started canning more and more.  I grew extra tomatoes and started doing more than just sauce.  I have done salsa, diced tomatoes, soup, and even black beans.

Here are a couple reasons why I do it.

• Practicality - We eat off these tomatoes for the whole year.  Pasta sauce, chili, soups, etc.  With all I can, I still never seem to have enough.
• A sense of accomplishment - There is nothing like looking at what you have canned and know that your hard work produced that.
• Quality of food - most cans these days have preservatives in them.  Some of the liners of the cans even have BPA in them.  When you can your own food, you control what goes into it. 
• A connection to the past - I love feeling a connection with the women who have come before us.  They didn't do this as a hobby.  They did it as a way of life.  They didn't have a choice.  After you spend one afternoon canning and see how much work goes into it, the respect for your ancestors goes up.

Here are a few more pictures from the process.

Making the Sauce

My apron covered in seeds.  They seem to go everywhere and I finally remembered the apron today.

Loading the Jars

Watching it Go

Cooling down.  If you have never canned, you should hear them pop as they seal.  It's the best sound in the world.

Labeling.  I really think this is my favorite part!

Current Tally.  Sauce is in quarts.  Diced is in pints.  Salsa is in pints.  It may look like a lot but it's still not enough for the year.

Today's Bounty - 9 quarts of sauce.

There is so much sweat equity  and a few burns in this but I totally think it's worth it.  I just hope that all this effort gets me through this year.  Only time will tell that one.



Joy

I got my last paycheck in the mail today.  I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first.  It is totally weird that I won't be getting another one of these.

This afternoon I was in my kitchen.  I was just cleaning up from making another batch of pesto.  It smelled amazing and made me anxious for dinner tonight.  I was texting back and forth with my friend Katie about meeting for lunch.  My cloth diapers were hanging out to dry (they had to come in though because it started to rain).  My laundry was done.  Ainsley was just about to get out of room time.  David was snoozing away after having had a big day trying avocado for the first time (He's 6 months old and I think his mind was just blown!)

And it hit me.  I am joyful.  I serve the Lord Most High. I know my circumstances can change but I also know that without a shadow of a doubt that I am not supposed to be earning paychecks anymore.  I know that I am following His plan for my life.  And that is the reason to be joyful.

Hospitality

Growing up we always had people in the house.  My parents loved to have people over and it was such a great example.  Every Thanksgiving we always had at least 1 random person join us.  It never felt like a big deal.  It was just the way that it was. 

Now that I have my own home, I find that I gravitate to opening it up as well.  I love having people over.  I do my annual Christmas party and we have our small group over to our house every Sunday.  I have always wanted to have people over more often but it seemed so daunting trying to get the house ready and do everything else that I had to do.

Now that I am a stay at home mom, I am excited to start opening our home more.  This past weekend we had Ainsley's birthday party and an open house for some college friends.  Between the 2 parties, we had 29 adults and 28 children in the house.  My heart was full and it was honestly so much fun.

Of course I love to bake and cook as well so it fits into my interests.  Here are some shots from the 2 parties.

Rapunzel Tower Cupcakes

Caterpillar Grapes

Caprese Salad Bites

Whole Wheat Pretzels

All the food is fun and it is a necessary part of entertaining.  But the more fun part these days is just seeing people relax and enjoy themselves in my home.  Seeing conversations and fellowship happen is just so fun.

I recently had a friend of mine tell me that I have the gift of biblical hospitality.  There couldn't be a greater compliment.

Closed Chapter

It's official.  I'm unemployed.  I finished cleaning out my office today and distributing the last few things to coworkers.  I went into my boss's office and handed in my key card. 

And just like that, I walked out.  I didn't stop to say a lot of goodbyes.  I'm not good at that. 

And I'm also not good at closure.  I think I have a hard time coming to grips with reality.  Chapters close in life and when they do they bring unfamiliar territory ahead.  And when that happens we cling to what we know and where we have been. 

But I have to let go.  My boss said I could stop by any time.  I won't do that.  That part of my life is over.  At least for now.  I need to charge forward. 

And that means leaving an empty office for a house full of love.  And cupcakes to make for my 4 year old's birthday party on Saturday.  Way more fun!

Diploma

I have been cleaning out my office for weeks now.  At first I was doing it in secret.  I would slip a book or a picture frame into my bag daily on my way out trying not to get caught.  It was gradual so that no one would notice.  I managed to clean out all the things inside my drawers and left most of the things on the desk and on the walls before I even gave my notice.  My goal was to not have a box of office things to deal with once I was home.

My office is now empty with the exception of my space heater.  Today I brought home my diploma that hung on my office wall.  It seemed really symbolic to me to have the last thing I brought home be the very thing that symbolizes the start of my career. 

I worked really hard for that diploma.  And I worked even harder for the career that followed it.  And now it's over. 

I've never not had a job since the time I was able to start working.  Don't get me wrong, what is ahead of me is definitely a job.  It's just different.  And it both terrifies me and excites me all at once.

So I continue to transition.  To search for the new identity.  To flounder.  To feel lonely.  To feel excitement.  To just be confused.

And now I'm looking for somewhere in my house to hang my diploma so I can look at it and be reminded of this season that I have left behind.  Over my kitchen sink, my dresser, my sewing machine.  It just doesn't fit.  And that makes me cry just a little bit. 

Things I Won't Miss

When you leave a job under good terms, there is a sense of regret and nostalgia.  At the same time, there are some things that I am gladly leaving behind.  Here's a few.

• My pump.  I have to pump twice while I am at work so that David can eat.  I hate every second of it.  But I love him and I loved Ainsley before him.  But I am so glad to not have to pump on a daily basis.  It can now be reserved for date nights and fun occasions.
• Shoe rules.  My company has rules about shoes.  Yes.  Rules about SHOES!  If it's open toes, it has to have a heel strap.  If it's closed toed it doesn't need one.  Bizarre and annoying when shoe shopping.  
• My alarm going off way too early.  Right now, it's set to go off at 6:02.  I know people get up earlier than that.  I also know that I have a baby that gets up at least twice at night.  Even just the 30 minutes later it will be to wake Ryan up will be a blessing.
• Company politics.  Every company has issues.  This one is no different.  
• Hardware calls.  I am a computer programmer.  That's a completely different skill than help desk.  But I have also been the only IT person at my company for 6 years.  That means I get the calls about printers and viruses.  And friends and family - I cannot fix your computer over the phone.  Google your problem.  That's all I do.
• Being on call all the time.  I have had work emails on my phone for over 4 years.  I deleted my work email from my phone the day I put my resignation in.  So freeing

So that's just the start of my list.  I'm sure it will grow as I spend time at home and remember things from my past life.

Stay at Home Mom

I decided in the beginning of April that I would leave my career and become a stay at home mom.  That was a long time ago.  And because we didn't think it was wise to give an extended notice, I have had to be quiet about it.  Most of my friends that I see all the time knew.  But I couldn't be public about it the way that I wanted to be.  I put the idea of changing careers on a shelf to process later.  I would get to it later.  At the time I was just too busy to even think about it.

And now it's out there.  And I'm processing big time.  It seems like every 5 minutes I have a different emotion about it.  I feel like I'm all over the map.

So the first thing I need to do is confess.  I haven't ever liked the idea of being a stay at home mom.  There are stigmas with it.  There are some women who do it really well and thankfully I have a quite a few of them in my life.  But there are others that don't.  They lose themselves and become so focused on their kids that they can't talk about anything else.  I have been very vocal about this over the years.  It was one of the things that I told myself was great about having a job. 

And when God rocked my world and called me to be a stay at home mom, I was shocked.  Even writing that "stay at home mom" seems to make my insides curl.  But in obedience, I followed the Lord's prompting and took steps to quit my job. 

I also took steps to make sure that I wouldn't lose myself.  I tried to join a group full of a bunch of women that were either single or didn't have kids (with the exception of 1).  I was reaching for some way to hold on to this life that I used to have.  In His mercy, it did not work out.  I shed way too many tears about it and I kept thinking that it was about my feelings being hurt.  Now I can see that it was partly that, but it was also a type of mourning.  It was a realization that I'm just not in that place anymore. 

I have been talking with my friend Katie a lot recently.  She just had a baby with Down Syndrome.  She is having her own transitional phase as she adjusts to what her new normal looks like.  She said something to me the other day that just really helped me process my own transition.  She told me that if she tried not to talk about Down Syndrome and tried to pretend like her daughter would not change her that would be a lie. 

And that's how I am starting to feel.  I was trying to be obedient to the Lord but I was only doing it part way.  I was doing it in all the practical ways, but I wasn't doing it in the emotional and spiritual ways.  I was fighting it in my mind.  And what I need to do is let it change me.  Let God work in me and help me become the person He wants me to be. 

Katie also told me is that being a stay at home mom is not a step backwards.

Indeed.

Identity

So much of who I have been has been wrapped up in my job for the past 13 years.  When people ask me about myself, one of the first things I have always said is that I'm a computer programmer.  I write software.  My current company is functioning today because of the programs I have written for them.  It makes me feel smart and accomplished.

You see what is going on there.  PRIDE!  My identity is what I can do, how smart I am.

They just hired a new IT guy to work with me at my job.  It's one of the reasons I feel comfortable leaving now.  There is someone to take on the charge.  He was informed this morning about my resignation.  One of his comments to me was that I should keep doing some programming and not let my skills slip.  He said I knew too much to do that.

But there is a problem there.  While I think it is a good thing to have skills and to be accomplished, it's another thing to rest my identity there.  To say that is who I am.

So as I walk away from my job and my accomplishments and my skills, I am left having an identity crisis.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am doing what God has called me to do.  But I'm scared.  I'm moving into new territory. My identity is being ripped away.

But at the end of the day, God does not care that I know what an IF/ELSE statement should look like.  He doesn't care that I have been called an SQL guru.  He doesn't care about the millions of lines of code that I have written.  He cares about my heart.  He cares about my identity in Him.

My prayer is that my identity will become clearer.  That I can learn how to reset my view of myself.

Ask me who I am now.  My answer is changing.

I'm Retiring

Obviously you know that I just had a baby.  And you also know that I have a 4 year old (a couple days shy of!).  And you also know that I have a job that I work part time.

I have always said that I live in the best of both worlds.  I get to be a mom and I get to work in corporate America as a computer programmer and continue a career that I have built for the past 13 years.

I went back to work with a fair bit of ease after Ainsley was born.  The adjustment period wasn't that bad.  Frankly, I was bored at home and welcomed the distraction of a job to go to.  If you had an easy baby and can tell me that the newborn stage is not boring once you hit the 12 week mark, you are just lying.  Ainsley was easy and all she did was eat, sleep, and poop.  By the end of my maternity leave with her I was replacing light fixtures in my house.

Life went on and dropping her off with her nanny (who I just adored!) became the new normal.  Ainsley thrived under MaryBeth's care.  And my career continued to thrive.  Best of both worlds.

And then came David.  And with the birth of another baby came another maternity leave.  I welcomed the time at home.  The break from my job felt great.  But I thought of it just as that, a break.

About 10 weeks into my 12 week maternity leave God change my heart in pretty dramatic fashion.  Ryan and I had saved a bunch of money for my 12 weeks of unpaid leave.  It hit me, we hadn't touched it.  I started to look back at the previous 10 weeks.  I wasn't bored.  Actually, I was happier than I had been in a really long time.  I told a few of my closest friends about what I was thinking and they both told me that they had been praying that God would put this on my heart.

I went to a women's retreat with church that weekend.  The first thing out of our speaker's mouth was the title of her talk - When God Changes Your Life Plan.  That weekend solidified what was questionable in my head.  I was going to quit.  I didn't need time to think, I just needed time to wrap things up well.  I would go back and finish up in mid July.

Looking back, I realize that there is so much that I missed with Ainsley.  She's so fun to be around.  She has a great sense of humor and her imagination is priceless.  Taking her back and forth to preschool was a blessing.  I got to know her teachers and her friends.  The involvement in her daily life was just so much better than I could ever have imagined.  And now there was another little person that was going to grow up into more than just a baby.  Some day they will be teenagers and will need me more then ever as they learn to navigate this crazy world.  The choice started to become really clear in my head.

A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I wasn't living in the best of both worlds.  I was living in the pretty good of both worlds.  The best of both worlds isn't really possible. 

And that means retiring from Corporate America. It means putting a career aside that will be very difficult to re-enter.  It means quitting the job I have had for 6 years and a career that I have built for 13 years.  It means that technology will move and I will be left behind.  It's not just quitting.  It's retiring. 

And I can't wait.

Brain Tumors and Whooping Cough

I am about to sound completely irrational.  I am aware.  But stick with me.

When I first had Ainsley, I didn't really worry about sickness or disease or bad things happening.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it was youth and I was still in that "Nothing Bad can Happen to me" phase of life.

And now bad things have happened to me.  And good things too. And for the first time in quite sometime, I am really happy with where I am in life and the directions that God is leading me.  There are exciting things in my future.  There are these 2 beautiful children.  There is this great husband.  Things right now are really good.

So I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I think I am looking for things to be wrong.  Looking for signs of bad things to come.

The other day I noticed Ainsley's voice just sounded different.  My brain immediately went to the thought of a brain tumor.  I have heard people say that was the first sign of knowing that something was wrong with their otherwise perfectly healthy child.  So I kept asking Ryan if he heard it.  He didn't. And I have asked Ainsley a thousand times over the past week if she feels ok.  I have been convinced that she has a brain tumor and there is no swaying me. Completely irrational.  And today she is congested and sounds like she has a cold.  Problem solved and crisis averted.

My friend Sarah told me the other day that she was worried that her daughter was going to get whooping cough.  There was a sign at her pediatrician and TLC is running some crazy commercial that talks about the dangers of whooping cough.  Every time her daughter coughs, she's convinced it's whooping cough.  And now I'm wondering if this cold that Ainsley is developing will turn into whooping cough.

All that to say, the fear is driving me crazy.  I know that God says that there will be trials and struggles.  I am sitting in this place of happiness just waiting for them.  Watching for them. 

I know that's not right.  I need to stop looking into the future.  Stop obsessing on the what ifs of life.  Stop trying to predict an uncertain future.  I need to live in this moment and enjoy this season of happiness while it is here.  The next trial might be small or it could be big.  But it's out there. It may have a brain tumor or whooping cough in it and we will deal with that if that happens.  But I want to be able to look back at this time and use it to help me get through that trial. 

Seriously.  Look at these kids.  Adorable.  Right?

There will never be another today.  Tomorrow is out there but that's for tomorrow.  I will enjoy my today because it's looking pretty good.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34

Pulling the Weeds

Every year about this time the world goes nuts with talk of gardens and flowers.  I am no different.  Well maybe on the flowers part.  I have a strict If it doesn't produce food don't plant it rule.

Spring has definitely sprung and it is indeed time to plant.  We work so hard to get the soil ready and to build rows.  I weed.  I plan the layouts.  I even drew a map.  And then we carefully place these plants and seeds into the ground.

And then we wait.  And wait.  Harvest doesn't come for quite some time.  In the meantime we have to keep up with weeds and watering.  We have to fertilize.  It's hard work and it feels like forever before any fruits of our labor are seen.

Then the fruits begin to show up.  A few at a time at first.  And then it feels like you are overrun with all this food.  I struggle to keep up with the canning and freezing.  But I do it anyway. 

And then there comes a time when I feel like I just can't do it anymore.  The weeds are high.  The pantry is almost full.  The garden doesn't look all nice and neat anymore.  It looks like a mess.  Where there used to be 9 distinct tomato plants is now just a mangled mess of vines and tomato cages.  Some are falling to the ground rotten. 

But we must press on.  There is more food in there.  More vegetables to be harvested.  It was during this time last year that I really wanted to give up.  I was running out of steam.  But I pressed on.  I picked that last batch of tomatoes and ended up with another 12 pints of salsa. 

And I am thankful I pressed on.  That salsa tasted good yesterday on my rice and beans.  My hard work paid off.

There are so many areas of life that this can compare to.  I think about parenting.  I think about my job.  I think about my husband.  I think about my friends.  I think about the call to evangelism.  I think about my own spiritual journey.

There is work to be done. There is watering and weeding.  There is fertilizing.  There is harvesting.  There is preserving.  And there is joy in the fruit.

I have been in the world of newborn baby.  There have been many areas of my life that have been neglected.  The weeds are high in some areas of my life.  I am looking forward to pulling out those weeds and digging into the other areas of my life.  It will take work but I am ready for it. 

The Curse of Maternity Leave

I haven't posted in a while.  I would give you the all too common excuse of I'm busy but it sounds just too cliche.  And I will have to say I love this busy.  So what have I been doing?

First we had a baby.  Then I got thrush and had to deal with a screaming baby.  Then he got over that and we were all thankful. 

We got into a routine of preschool and the gym and the library and naps (for the kids - not me!).  It has been glorious.

There were some big things that happened in there too.  We took a trip to Florida to visit Ryan's grandparents.  I am ashamed to say that I hadn't seen them since our wedding 12 years ago.  Ryan had visited them a couple years ago but Ainsley was little and so I decided not to go.  This time it felt right for all of us to go. 

Oh and they live in Orlando.  So what better thing to do than to introduce Ainsley to the wonderful world of Disney!  She loved every second of it and David was a trooper and endured it.  Her highlight was definitely meeting Rapunzel.  I think I see a birthday theme developing.

Another major event is that we have started the path of testing David for urinary reflux.  We had to do it with Ainsley and now the process starts all over again.  It broke my heart to put Ainsley through this and now it's breaking my heart to put David through it.  So far we know that he has a "pretty good" chance of having it.  I say that's pretty bad.  We will know for sure on May 8th.

And with that the time has flown.  David will be 12 weeks old on Tuesday.  That can only mean one thing.  Back to work.  When Ainsley was 12 weeks old, I was kind of ready to go back to work.  I was bored.  Not this time.  I am not sure what changed but I am sure of one thing.  It has changed.  And that is the curse of maternity leave.  It has to end.

Boy Crazy

When we found out I was pregnant with David, I asked Ryan if we could wait and be surprised on the sex of this baby.  We had found out that Ainsley was a girl when I was pregnant and I told him that I wanted to try it the other way. 

Secretly, I didn't want to know if it was a boy.  People would ask me if I cared if it was a boy or a girl, and I would give the standard answer of "Just as long as it's healthy, I don't care".  Honestly, I cared.  I wanted a girl so badly. 

I was actually petrified of a boy.  Not only did I not know anything about the anatomy (I'm still asking Ryan questions about "it" regularly!), but I was also scared of boy activity.  Boys are rambunctious. Boys are crazy.  Boys are wild.  Boys are everything my little girl is not.  And if I love my little girl and everything about her just the way that she is, how can I love just the opposite.

Everyone told me that I would love a boy just as much as I would love a girl, but I just couldn't picture it.  How was a boy ever going to fit into our lives?  So I convinced Ryan to wait and not find out the sex of the baby.  I didn't want to dwell on the fact that this baby could be a boy for months.  I knew I would stress and worry like crazy if I knew ahead of time.

With each passing day of the pregnancy, I was more and more convinced that this baby was a boy.  My pregnancies were just so different.  Hardly anything was the same.  And so I started to settle in to the fact that this was more than likely a boy.

Then came birth day.  When he was born, I was privileged enough to "catch" him.  When I turned him over in the water, there "it" was.  His boyness was staring back at me.  And I have to say that I panicked.  When Ainsley was born, they put her on my chest and it was instant love.  My little girl.  But when they put David on my chest, I was kind of in denial.  This boy, and a big boy at that, was my baby? 

While I went through all the post birth things, Ryan held David "skin to skin" on his chest.  He bonded and enjoyed every second of that time.  And there I was just staring at both of them.  Confused of my feelings.  Where was the instant love?

I'm not going to tell you that it was instant after I started breast feeding or after I held him for a bit.  I don't actually know when it happened. But I have fallen so deeply in love with this little boy. 

And I can't wait for the soccer games, the dirt, the trucks, the tree climbing, the legos, and more.  Let the invasion of blue begin!

He's definitely a sweet little boy.  And he's definitely mine to love.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

It's Thanksgiving and a great time for reflection over the past year.  Most people reflect on their year at New Year's, but this year it only makes since to reflect on Thanksgiving.  It was 1 year ago today that we found out that we had lost our tiny baby in the womb. 

When I look back on the past year, it will be as a year of growth.  I have never grown more in a single year than this particular one.  What started on November 24, 2010 triggered a series of events that forced me to depend on God more than I ever have before, and not all of those events were bad. 

As a quick recap, here is what we have been through in the past year.

• We lost the baby
• My body took 5 1/2 months to recover from the miscarriage
• I got pregnant again the first month my body was back to normal
• The early stages of pregnancy were filled with anxiety
• We found out the baby I am now carrying may have Downs Syndrome
• Ryan's Grandmother had a stroke and passed away
• Ryan's family dog passed away
• Our dog Libby passed away
• We found out that Ainsley has a gross motor skill delay
• We found out that the baby I am carrying now more than likely doesn't have Down Syndrome
• The end of this pregnancy has been drastically more difficult than my pregnancy with Ainsley

And when I look at that list and see blessings and struggles, what I see more is God's grace.  Through each of those circumstances, God has taught me so much about His grace and His love for me.  He has used His Spirit, His People, and His Word to minister to me. 

I am calling this past year my Ebenezer year.  I am putting a stone on the ground in my memory of this year so that when I look back at my life, I can always remember God's goodness and mercy.

Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Thus far has the LORD helped us. 1 Samuel 7:12

And seeing that it is Thanksgiving, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness.  Thankfulness for struggles.  Thankfulness for blessings.  And most of all, Thankfulness for a God that loves me. 

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love. 

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. 

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart,
O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above. 

Celebrate the Harvest

Every year for the past 5 years I have thrown a Christmas Dessert party.  Seeing that I am pretty pregnant, I opted to move it to November and call it the Celebrate the Harvest Party.  It was kind of fun to put all the fall decorations together.  All the people that come to my house yearly, only see the Christmas decorations.  And while I love my nativities, I do love my house as it normally is.  It was nice for a change of pace.  Here are some pictures and recipes!

The Drink Table

We served Beer, Wine, Apple Cider, and Coffee.  That copper container was Ryan's Grandmothers and a perfect addition to the drink table this year

Just a Fun Fall Decoration

I saw this decoration idea on Pinterest.  Ainsley, Anne, and I went out to a local farm and picked up all the gourds and pumpkins.  Ainsley was responsible for the small gourds.  I actually didn't even look at them until we got home.  She did a great job picking them out.

The Dessert Table

I loved the "pumpkin" centerpiece.  Since the addition of the new red curtains, I didn't want to go overly orange.  I found a bunch of white and green pumpkins that looked so fabulous. 

Pecan Pie Bars

Think pecan pie but in smaller bites.  It was so gooey though that the cupcake liners were necessary. This recipe came out of the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownies

I found this one on Pinterest.  Brownie on the bottom, Eggless Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough on the top, a splash of chocolate on top of that.  What's not to love. 

Here's the recipe for those that have asked.

http://www.recipegirl.com/2011/06/02/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-brownies/

Chocolate Ginger Twists

These were an attempt to use some puff pastry dough that I had.  I wanted a different flavor and this one hit the spot.  The addition of Crystalized Ginger was pretty cool

Chocolate Chip Turtle Cheesecake

I would have to say this may be my signature dessert.  It has been at every party I have ever thrown.  It's amazing. 

Plain Cheesecake

Sounds boring but I think it's the best plain cheesecake I have ever had.  The recipe calls for a fruit topping but honestly you don't need it.  My stomach wasn't feeling great last night and this was the only dessert I actually ate.  Oh my heart is this good.  Thanks Ina Garten

Here's the recipe for this one:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/raspberry-cheesecake-recipe/index.html

Pumpkin Cookies with Cinnamon Icing

These cookies are so yummy.  Fall in a cookie.  Mmmm, mmm, mmm.  I didn't cook them as long and made my icing a bit thicker.  Both improvements.

Here's the recipe:

http://fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com/2011/10/pumpkin-cookies-with-cinnamon-icing.html

Baked Pumpkin Donut Holes

These were a surprise hit of the party.  I actually only had 3 left.  I must say that they are pretty good.  Again, thank you Pinterest.  The recipe said to make them as full sized muffins but the smaller size suited the party better.  I cooked them for 20 minutes and it was perfect.

Here's the recipe

http://fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com/2011/10/baked-pumpkin-donut-muffins-and.html

Cappuccino Mousse Trifle

I love a good trifle.  Ever since that episode of Friends, it's an excuse to say that I did not put meat in the trifle.  It's really just layers of goodness.  I added a little Kaluha this year to the milk you pour over the pound cake and it worked really well.

Here's the recipe:

http://www.pamperedchef.com/our_products/recipesearch/recipedetail.jsp?recipeId=72878

And while I had a blast throwing this party, I am glad that it is over and I can concentrate on the last 8 or so weeks of pregnancy.  I have some sorting and washing to do.

All Over the Place

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that it's been a rough week.  I actually can't believe that it's only been a week since it all started going out of control.  But in the midst of everything that's been going on, God has been faithful.  I am growing and He is showing me mercy.  So here's the time line of the past week:

• Friday morning we went for our anatomy scan.  We found out the baby may have Down Syndrome.  While this was tough to hear, I felt a peace from only God.  
• Friday around 6, I got a call from Ryan's mom.  His 91 year old grandmother was having a major episode and she was on the way over there.  We were praying that she would pass away before she had to go to the hospital again.  This may have been the hardest prayer I've ever prayed.  You never want to pray for someone to leave this earth but Grams has been suffering for a while now.  We were definitely praying for mercy.
• Friday night I called my faithful friend Anne to watch Ainsley while we went to the hospital to be with Grams who had a major stroke.  What a blessing Anne has been in my life.  She loves me and Ainsley and that is a gift.
• Friday night at the hospital Grams was responsive and was able to communicate in little bits and pieces.  I was able to tell her how much she meant to me and say the goodbye that I wasn't able to say when my grandmother passed away.  Another gift.
• Friday night or maybe early Saturday morning, while we were drifting off to sleep, Ryan was able to feel the baby move for the first time!  Yes!!!
• Saturday morning Ryan's mother had to put her faithful dog Sammy down.  He was 16 years old and had been around this family longer than I have.  We have known for a while that this has been coming but the finality of it was rough.
• Saturday night we spent some much needed family time with Ryan's Dad.  He provided a fabulous meal and we just got to relax.  This dinner has been planned for at least 6 months and the timing of it was perfect.  
• Sunday morning we went to church.  Worship was great.  We sang very appropriate songs to how I was feeling.  I was able to leave church with Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus in my head for the rest of the day.
• Sunday early evening we kicked off another year of home group with a meal at our house.  It was a great time to fellowship with our friends and be with like minded believers.  This group, although different in so many ways from the start, has been a solid presence in our life for the past 4 years.  That is truly a amazing gift from above.
• Sunday night I went up to see Ryan's grandmother one more time.  The end was near.  The closure of that visit was final.  She was entering eternity.
• Sunday night shortly after we went to bed, we got the call from Ryan's sister that Grams had passed from this life to the next.  She was singing and dancing with Jesus.  Our hope is firm and our salvation is secure.  That is something to praise God for.
• Monday morning on the way to work, Ainsley asked me where Great Grandma was again.  I told her she was in heaven with Jesus.  In her 3 year old logic, she asked me if she was driving there.  Oh how I love innocent children. 
• Tuesday morning we went in for our repeat ultrasound.  We waited for what felt like an eternity in the lobby, or maybe just an hour, but were finally called back.  After 2 ultrasounds that morning, we were told that our baby is completely within the range of normal for all Down Syndrome markers.  Our odds are back to slim to none that the baby will have DS.  His Mercies are soooo good.  And while we watched our little child on that screen, it was such a great reminder that even in the midst of death, there is life.  Praise God.  Oh and baby has big lips.  Too cute.
• Wednesday after work, I took Ainsley to a Physical therapy screen.  She has seemed a bit behind compared to her peers in regards to gross motor skills and I thought it was worth checking out.  She has been in gymnastics and that has helped but I wanted to see if I could help catch her up if there was a problem.  She is about 6-8 months behind but the therapist says that she can catch up easily with some sessions.  This has been on my calendar a while and it just so happened to fall in the middle of the crazy.  While I would have preferred to put this off, I'm glad that we didn't.  This news wasn't the greatest but it wasn't the worst either.  

So that brings me to now.  We have the funeral on Monday.  The weekend is going to be slam packed with other things that were previously scheduled.  But in the midst of the chaos of what is behind us and what is in front of us, we are continuously being reminded of His faithfulness.When it seems that we cannot bear one more thing, He shows up and gives us glimpses of grace.

This scripture has been in my head this week, especially the first 4 verses.   

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

  ¹ There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.