Merry Christmas

The presents have been bought and wrapped (one was even assembled). We have been to church and sang Silent Night (I choked up as I looked at the sweet little girl standing next to me lit by the light of a candle). I have listened to my husband read the Christmas story out of Luke. Ainsley is all snug in her bed. Ryan and I are watching It's a Wondeful Life on tv.

There is only one thing left to do.

Wish you a very Merry Christmas from our family.



Especially this sweet girl.




Merry Christmas!

Silent Night

It's been a whirl wind month.  There has been heart break.  There was a party or 2.  There was some shopping.  There was a lot of eating.  There was some wine.  The was some sickness.

And there was some sleep.  Thankfully I have resumed what I would consider almost normal sleeping patterns.  After weeks of getting 4-5 hours a night, it dropped to 2 consecutive nights of 2 hours.  At that point I gave up and called the doctor for a prescription for Ambien.

It worked like a charm.  I took it for 5 days to catch up.  I took my last one the night before our party.  I had one restless night of sleep after that and now I have resumed sleeping like I was before the miscarriage.

So now that it's 4 days until Christmas I am finally looking forward to celebrating quietly at home.  Well maybe not quietly.  We do have a 2 year old who thinks Santa and Baby Jesus are coming to her house.

I think what I am looking forward to the most is Christmas Eve service when the lights go down and the candles are lit. Silent Night will be played.  It's in that quiet moment that I find the most reverence for the Season.  It's my time to think about the not so quiet moments when Mary was giving birth to Jesus (I've been through birth.  It's not quiet and peaceful).  And to think about how Jesus left heaven and all it's glory to be born in a stable full of stinky animals, knowing that some day he would have to die for us.

All because He loved me.  And you. 

So celebrate we will.  Merry Christmas.

Choosing Joy

At moments like this in life joy doesn't come easily.  Even though Christmas has exploded around us, my heart is weary.  I am still not sleeping (4 hours total in the past 2 days).  Ainsley and I both have colds.  I have a party at my house on Saturday for over 50 people.  To say that I am worn to the bone would be an understatement.

I know I have every excuse to choose to be grumpy this Christmas Season.  But I am choosing joy.  Because I have to.  I am called to.  Otherwise this would be in vain. 

 

And thankfully I don't have to find that Joy within myself.  That Joy comes from Our Savior.  And that is something to celebrate.

In My Dreams

Everyone has been asking how I have been doing.  I try to give the answer that I'm OK.  For the most part that's how I feel.  OK.  Not good.  Not bad.  OK.

During the days I have things to keep me occupied.  There is the precious 2 year old who requires my love and attention.  There is my job.  There is our Christmas party which is in less than 2 weeks. (Yikes!!!)

They are all distractions.  Things that make me not think about what is going on.  I keep saying that baking is therapeutic.  And it is.  But it doesn't make me pregnant.  It doesn't bring the baby back.

So every night I go to sleep with hopes that this will be the night that I get a good night sleep and that I will wake up feeling normal again.  And every night I toss and turn and sleep for short periods of time.

And now I have started to dream.  Not the sweet dreams of cribs and baby bellies.  But dreams of ultrasounds and that blank stare from the technician as she sees the empty womb.  The one where she hasn't said anything yet but you can see it all over her face that something is wrong.  And dreams of having to deliver a dead baby.  And holding that dead baby which in my dreams is usually just a skeleton.  Not so much dreams.  More like nightmares.

And I wake up restless and tired.  To start a new day of saying that I'm OK.

So if you are someone who prays, please pray for me to sleep soundly with no nightmares.  Pray for rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28

Hands and Feet of Jesus

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life.  Due to some bad timing 2/3 of my family is out of the country.  That left us to fend for ourselves during this difficult season.  But Jesus sent some people into our lives the past week to care for us in ways that we could not have even asked for.  I'm trying to come up with a list but if I have forgotten someone, I am deeply sorry.  My mind isn't the clearest right now.

• MaryBeth - Not only is she my nanny but she's a wonderful friend.  She has spoken Truth and comfort to me over the past week.  She has walked this path before and has been crucial in giving Ainsley some extra TLC this week.
• Anne - Over the past years Anne has become a second mother to me.  This week she really stepped up and cared for me like only a mother could
• Mary - What started as a client/patient relationship over 2 years ago has turned into a wonderful friendship.  Mary was our doula for Ainsley's birth and her experience in this area of loss is too familiar.  She has sent me endless texts of encouragement and love
• Amy - She was the first one to know I was pregnant.  A coworker and also a friend.  She has listened to me and helped me through a few long days at work this week.
• Jessica - She's about to birth herself and yet has put many of those emotions aside this week to care for me.  She definitely is a BFF.
• Lindsay - She's a friend from long ago who loves me deeply.  A note in the mail came at the perfect time.  It was like a gift directly from Jesus.
• Sarah - When I needed a meal, she provided us with one.  She has such a tender heart and when she says she's praying for you, you know it's true.
• Kate - As my oldest friend, she stepped up big time.  She literally has a 1 week old.  And yet she took the time out of the sleepless nights to stop and call me.  I was the first non-family member she called since the birth of her adorable son Charlie.  To say this meant a lot would be an understatement.
• Wendy - My sister Wendy is the only family member I have in the country right now.  While she doesn't know the loss personally she has walked many of her friends through the same thing.  She has been my protector since the day I was born and she has been there for me like no one else during this time.
• Our Homegroup - We have a small home group from our church that meets once a week and has so for years.  This group of people has walked beside us through many things and will continue to do so.  What a gift it is to share this life with a group of fellow believers
• Community of Women Who Have Walked the Path - This is not an exclusive club.  There are so many women who have walked the path that I am on now.  The notes and emails have been endless.  The support of this group of women is invaluable.  This experience has brought me a new perspective on loss and to share it with this group of women is an incredible yet difficult gift.
• Countless People Praying - There are so many people praying for our family right now.  I couldn't even begin to list them.  But each prayer has been a gift to us.  We feel loved and prayed over like we never have been before.
• Ainsley - The best thing that I could have during this time was a sweet 2 year old looking to me for love and support.  This week has been hard on her.  Children have a way that they know that something is wrong.  And yet their lives need to go on.  And to me that's a gift.  I can't drown in my sorrow and bring this sweet innocent girl down with me.  She has a heart of gold and nothing has made me feel better during this time that the sweet hugs and kisses that only she can give.
• Ryan - It's hard to even put into words the strength that this man of God that I have married has given me over the past week.  While he is grieving this loss too, he has given me such unconditional love and support.  He has taken over everything from watching Ainsley to house hold chores to pretty much everything.  And the whole time he has been willing to listen to me cry and to hold me and even to be snapped at.  He's my rock and my protector.  I count it a privilege every day that I get to walk this journey of life with him.

So thank you friends.  You have shown me Jesus this week.

Matthew 25:37-40

 ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

   ⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’