Wednesday, December 8, 2010

In My Dreams

Everyone has been asking how I have been doing.  I try to give the answer that I'm OK.  For the most part that's how I feel.  OK.  Not good.  Not bad.  OK.

During the days I have things to keep me occupied.  There is the precious 2 year old who requires my love and attention.  There is my job.  There is our Christmas party which is in less than 2 weeks. (Yikes!!!)

They are all distractions.  Things that make me not think about what is going on.  I keep saying that baking is therapeutic.  And it is.  But it doesn't make me pregnant.  It doesn't bring the baby back.

So every night I go to sleep with hopes that this will be the night that I get a good night sleep and that I will wake up feeling normal again.  And every night I toss and turn and sleep for short periods of time.

And now I have started to dream.  Not the sweet dreams of cribs and baby bellies.  But dreams of ultrasounds and that blank stare from the technician as she sees the empty womb.  The one where she hasn't said anything yet but you can see it all over her face that something is wrong.  And dreams of having to deliver a dead baby.  And holding that dead baby which in my dreams is usually just a skeleton.  Not so much dreams.  More like nightmares.

And I wake up restless and tired.  To start a new day of saying that I'm OK.

So if you are someone who prays, please pray for me to sleep soundly with no nightmares.  Pray for rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28

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