When I first had Ainsley, I didn't really worry about sickness or disease or bad things happening. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was youth and I was still in that "Nothing Bad can Happen to me" phase of life.
And now bad things have happened to me. And good things too. And for the first time in quite sometime, I am really happy with where I am in life and the directions that God is leading me. There are exciting things in my future. There are these 2 beautiful children. There is this great husband. Things right now are really good.
So I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. I think I am looking for things to be wrong. Looking for signs of bad things to come.
The other day I noticed Ainsley's voice just sounded different. My brain immediately went to the thought of a brain tumor. I have heard people say that was the first sign of knowing that something was wrong with their otherwise perfectly healthy child. So I kept asking Ryan if he heard it. He didn't. And I have asked Ainsley a thousand times over the past week if she feels ok. I have been convinced that she has a brain tumor and there is no swaying me. Completely irrational. And today she is congested and sounds like she has a cold. Problem solved and crisis averted.
My friend Sarah told me the other day that she was worried that her daughter was going to get whooping cough. There was a sign at her pediatrician and TLC is running some crazy commercial that talks about the dangers of whooping cough. Every time her daughter coughs, she's convinced it's whooping cough. And now I'm wondering if this cold that Ainsley is developing will turn into whooping cough.
All that to say, the fear is driving me crazy. I know that God says that there will be trials and struggles. I am sitting in this place of happiness just waiting for them. Watching for them.
I know that's not right. I need to stop looking into the future. Stop obsessing on the what ifs of life. Stop trying to predict an uncertain future. I need to live in this moment and enjoy this season of happiness while it is here. The next trial might be small or it could be big. But it's out there. It may have a brain tumor or whooping cough in it and we will deal with that if that happens. But I want to be able to look back at this time and use it to help me get through that trial.
Seriously. Look at these kids. Adorable. Right?
There will never be another today. Tomorrow is out there but that's for tomorrow. I will enjoy my today because it's looking pretty good.
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34
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oooo i so get it. i know exactly. one day, it occurred to me that maybe i want to guess what's coming, so i can wrap my brain around it, manage it, get okay with it, so THEN if it happens, i'll be ready. yet, NONE of it ever happens, and i'm just anxious and exhausted. plus, i realized it's like i'm trying to give God the go ahead or prevent Him from dishing it my way...but really He's not waiting for my signal is He? as if I could control Him. that's scarier in a way, but ultimately, we're better off not being able to call the shots, aren't we? have a good weekend. no one could get sick in such a cute sweater vest...Vest of Power:)
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