While I'm Waiting

Another month has passed and I'm still waiting.

And with each passing day I feel a little more like my life is passing by before me.  That I'm wasting it thinking about what could have been, what should have been.  And that is what I'm doing.  Wasting.

Tonight on the way home from meeting with a friend I turned the radio on.  I heard the last line of a song and it was all I needed to hear tonight.  I turned the radio right off and contemplated what I was doing during this season of waiting.

God gave me the clear answer of what I should be doing.

"I will serve You while I'm waiting.  I will worship while I'm waiting" - John Waller  

In case you have never heard the song before, here's a video.

Back to Reality

It's been a while since I blogged.  I'm not hitting my 5 blogs a month this month unless something very dramatic happens in the next 6 days. 

Since my last entry Ryan and I went to Mexico with his company.  It was a great time full of relaxation, guacamole, spa treatments, pretty dresses, blue lagoons (that's a drink that left my tongue blue for days if you were wondering), and good times with friends.

It started out a little rough when I dropped Ainsley off the night before we were supposed to leave at my faithful nanny, Mary Beth's house.  The drop went well and we were all packed by 10:00 ready to leave for the airport at 5:45 the next morning. 

I got the dreaded call at 10:20pm that night that Ainsley was sick and throwing up.  She had gotten the stomach bug.  I have to say that it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - listen to my child cry for me over the phone, knowing that I couldn't go to her.  Mary Beth earned sainthood that night as Ainsley continued to be sick every 20 - 30 minutes until 4:00 am.  It was horrible.  But we knew it was a quick moving bug and she would be fine by the time we got to Mexico.  And she was. 

And we were able to really relax.  And it was amazing.  And my hair grew exponentially.  And I ate this soup that was half cream of spinach and half cream of tomato and stayed seperate but in the same bowl.  How cool.

We got back late on Sunday night to go to a full work week ahead.  I was catching up on my laundry when my dryer broke.  It's been on it's last leg for years and needed to be replaced desperately, but definitely not the week after vacation when the laundry back up was so high.  So I did what any sane person would do, I bought more laundry baskets...and a new dryer. 

It felt like we were finally catching up when Saturday night I came down with the same stinking stomach bug that Ainsley had a week and half earlier.  Kick my butt and knock me upside the head.  That stunk.  It was the worst I have been sick since who knows when.  Yikes.  The mommy guilt for leaving Ainsley hit a little harder too.  But I'm recovering.  And I have lost all the weight I gained in Mexico. 

And tomorrow looks like just a normal day.  Thank goodness for that.

Although I wish this was still the view out of my bedroom window.

Release

I've been listening to Christian radio in the mornings on my way to work.  Now that Ainsley is old enough to remember songs and understand what people are saying, I feel it's necessary to make sure that she hears wholesome truth.

Since New Years they have been talking about picking a word for the year, something that describes what you want your year to encompass.

So this year I am choosing the word RELEASE.

My whole life I have struggled with releasing my plans and trusting in God's plan.  This has become particularly apparent since the miscarriage.  I had this plan of what our family was supposed to look like.  I wanted 2 kids less than 3 years apart.  And when I got pregnant back in October I knew that God had signed on to my plan.  My children were going to be exactly 3 years apart.  Perfect.

Then we lost the baby.  And one of the hardest things for me has been letting go of the plan.  The ideal.  It's gone.  And with each day that passes, it gets further away from my plan.  And I have been thinking about it like that for 2 months now.

Then in Sunday school at church this week we were talking about idols.  And how we can take a healthy desire and move it into a demand.  And that is what I have done.  I've been mad that my plan is ruined.  And it has made me a bitter and inpatient woman.  I am much shorter with my husband and little girl.  I'm not happy.  I'm just not in a good place.  It's like a glorified temper tantrum because I didn't get what I want.

And so this morning they were talking about the words for the year again.  Prior to today I had no real thought of actually picking a word for myself.  And then God gave me one.  It was crystal clear.  And I can't get it out of my head.

RELEASE.

And so my prayer for the year is that He will grow me in a way that I can learn to release my desires to Him and that He can show me His desires for my life.  I want to think that with each day that passes I am further on His plan.  I can't wait to see how He uses this word in my life over the next year.

 Isaiah 55:8-9

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.