We Did It

Just a quick update to let you know that we survived this past week.  Ryan and Ainsley did great.  I was so proud of them.  Apparently the first night and the first morning were the hardest on Ainsley.  She didn't know where her Mama was.  But she quickly adjusted and had a great time with Daddy.

I did ok as well.  It was difficult to say goodbye but I did it.  The conference was fine and I met some new friends.  I enjoyed the time away but was ready to come home.  I ended up getting an earlier flight trying to beat the snow storm that was coming. 

The best part of the trip was coming home.  Ryan and Ainsley met me at the airport and as soon as Ainsley saw me she yelled Mama as loud as she could.  It was a sweet reunion.  As for the breastfeeding, we made it through that as well.  She remembered and still wanted it when I got back.

So now I know we both can survive.  Good thing too because that cruise in March is coming really soon!!!

I Already Miss Her

Today is a big day.  Ainsley is almost 19 months old and I am about to leave her overnight for the first time.  I am traveling to West Palm Beach for a work convention and won't be back until Friday. 

I know it sounds silly that I have never left her overnight before now.  One of the main reasons is that I am still breastfeeding.  It's a choice that I have made for her health and mine, not to mention our relationship.  There is just something so special and loving about it.  So this week, she will wake up for the first time without me.  I know she will do fine.  My question is will I? 

I am choosing to pump through the week to keep my milk supply up.  I am very nervous about when I return.  Will she still want me?  I know it sounds silly, but so much of my identity as a mother is wrapped up in this part of mothering.  It's something that she can get from only me.  It's a part of me that I can give her wholeheartedly.  I am not ready to give it up and I don't think she is either. 

On top of that, there is the fact that I will just out right miss her.  I think back to when she wasn't here yet and I can't even do it.  I don't even remember what it's like. 

So I ask my fellow readers to pray for all of us this week.  Pray for Ainsley as she will be without me.  Pray for Ryan as he manages the house and cares for Ainsley.  Pray for me as I go through separation anxiety. 

Now I am going to leave you with a few pictures because I will want to look at them while I am gone.

Failure

I am a computer programmer by trade.  This week we released a new version of the software that I have written that had some really major changes in it.  To say it didn't go well would be an understatement.  It went really bad.

So there it was, the feeling of failure.  I can sit around and tell you all the reasons why it didn't go well, but it doesn't really matter.  I walked away feeling like a failure.  It's a feeling that most people aren't comfortable with.  I'm not the only one who hates it. 

So today is Friday and the week is behind me.  I can take what I have learned and move forward.  The lessons are not only about programming mistakes.  They are about how I deal with failure.  Do I pity myself?  Do I dwell?  Do I pout?  OR Do I move on?  Do I fix it?  Do I trust in the abilities that God gave me? 

I chose the latter.

Mercy

Unless you live in a hole, you know what's going on in Haiti.  Each day I am sucked into watching more coverage on CNN.  It seems like at times I can't turn away and then at times I have to.  It's heart breaking. 

Yet amongst all of the disaster and hurt, there is a common theme of mercy.  People all over the world are sending aid to Haiti.  I don't know why it shocked me that the one of the first countries that I heard to send people there was Israel.  It seemed fitting to me as it reminded me of God's mercy on His people. 

I am also proud to say that my sister Jill, who is an ER nurse, is heading to Haiti as well.  She's going with a group called Hope Force.  She has 2 kids and has a single mother living in her house, yet she is willing to put it all aside to follow God's call on her life to share His mercy in a very practical way.  I am proud.

I don't have the skill set needed in Haiti right now so I am here thinking about mercy in my life.  Our church has a Mercy Ministry conference coming up in February.  They put one of these on every year.  Usually it's a time where a speaker comes in and talks with us about how to share His mercy. 

This year it's different and I couldn't be more excited.  This year we have a speaker on Friday night but Saturday we are going out into the community and serving.  The lists of opportunities include helping serve brunch to a homeless shelter (what our small group is doing), working at the crisis pregnancy center, visiting nursing homes, visiting jails, and the list goes on. 

So as we think about the crisis in Haiti and feel overwhelmed with our feeling of hopelessness, let's remember that there are people right here that need His love too. 

Here We Go Again

I am like most people this time of year.  I am on a diet.  I am still holding pregnancy weight and I was just not in a good place with my relationship with food. 

I have dieted before so I know how to do it.  When we lived in NY we didn't have many friends so I got fat because I was depressed.  Then I took a look in the mirror and didn't like what I saw so I went on a diet.  Again the not many friends thing worked to my advantage.  I had time to do things like go to Weight Watchers meetings and run 5 miles a day.  So I went from fat to really really skinny.  Like someone should have told me skinny. 

And then we moved back here and got plugged into a great church.  I met alot of wonderful people and have made some life long friends.  And with happiness comes food and no time to exercise.  So I started to let weight slowly come back on. 

Then I got pregnant and used it as the excuse to eat whatever I wanted.  Taco Bell and I were friends.  Then I had this sweet baby and I didn't care anymore.  Then I cared but I still liked Taco Bell so I really didn't care. 

That brings me to now.  I have set a reachable goal.  I want to lose X pounds in 8 weeks.  (Ok, I'm being honest but some things are better left to ourselves).  You see, we go on a cruise in 8 weeks.  And it's not just a cruise that Ryan and I are going on by ourselves because if it were I would be tempted to show up fat in a bathing suit.  It's a cruise with 5 couples from his work.  You see my husband rocks and qualified for the trip. 

So there is the current motivation but it goes beyond that.  I don't want to live this life of up and down all the time.  As I am losing weight I want to really focus on my emotional reasons of why I eat.  If only I could call in Jillian Michaels to be my personal trainer/emotional guide through weight loss.  And I put this all down in words so that I could be more like my friend Joy who says that it there is power in saying something outloud.

So there I said it.  Any words of encouragement?

I Once Was Lost But Now I'm Found

If you know me well at all, you know that I get lost quite frequently.  It's one of the talents I forgot to mention a few days ago.  My sense of direction is so bad that there have been times in my life that I have honestly thought, I think I should go right and then purposely go left because I don't trust myself.  Ironically, more times than not, the left is actually correct.

Yesterday I had to drive out into the country to pick something up.  It was about an hour from home.  I got very specific directions.  Those directions included things like, Turn at the Log Cabin, Turn at the Church, Turn into the driveway with the Green fences.  Well, I got lost.  I went left when I should have gone right.  I missed an entire line in the directions and it took me 10 minutes of driving over really windy roads to figure it out. 

So when I turned around, it was starting to get dark.  If I had gone correctly, I would have been at my destination, instead I still had 15 minutes to go.  I was so far out in the country that my phone didn't work, so no GPS.  I was starting to panic.  I stressed the rest of the way.  I was on the verge of tears.  Partly because I hate this part of me and partly because I was kind of scared.  The only thing that kept me sane was the little girl in the back seat.  I didn't want her to feel my panic.

I eventually got there and on my way home I did some thinking.  I decided I was going to get a GPS.  I just have to research which one to get.  I have gotten lost for the last time.

Then when we were putting Ainsley down, we were saying prayers.  I started to pray and thank God for helping us find our way.  It then struck me, that's what we should feel like without God.  Completely lost.  Panicked.  Scared.  Alone.  Rescue should be urgent.  It should be the only thing on our mind.  So why is it not?  Why don't we see how truly lost we are without God?  How come we think we can do this life without Him as our GPS?

She Doesn't Just Look Like Me

Ainsley is starting to get to the stage in life where she's a literal sponge.  She is starting to repeat words and sayings.  It's pretty cute.

I've recently committed to losing a certain amount of weight before we go on a cruise in March.  We have set up our bonus room to be a kind of workout center.  Ryan bought a bunch of free weights and a bench.  We have cleared the middle of the room for exercising. 

Side note...last night Ryan was lifting to the Rocky soundtrack.  I laughed.

Ok...back to my story.  So last night I was in the bonus room doing lunges and squats.  Next thing I know, I look over and there is my sweet Ainsley doing a squat.  I couldn't believe it.  I quickly called Ryan in.  We were so impressed with her.

It gave me some real food for thought though.  She really wants to do what I do.  She wants to be like me.  I need to model a healthy lifestyle to her.  My weight is no longer my issue.  It's hers too.  If I am constantly talking about how fat I am or how much I don't like my body, she will too.  If I eat junk, she will too.  It doesn't stop there.  If I am not modeling a Christ-centered life, she won't think it's important. 

That's quite a bit of pressure.  But it's good.  I guess it's just one more way that having a child makes me a better person.

Sometimes you have to Just Ask

I have a few small talents in life that I am proud of.  Packing a Car, Mail Merge, Making a Great Cheesecake, Bruising.  You know, the really important stuff. 

My family always jokes with me about my skill of getting things for free.  It's a talent I think.  Whenever something goes wrong and we need to negotiate with customer service on the phone, my sisters always call me.  I have pretended to be both of them on seperate occassions.

I am going to a conference for work in West Palm Beach in late January.  I was so stressed about having to leave Ainsley for the week that I didn't really look at where I was going.  I had my HR manager book my flight into Fort Lauderdale.  While it's not too far (about an hour), it would have been a huge inconvenience.  It would have involved a rental car or a long taxi.  Plus the 4 additional hours away from Ainsley.

I quickly went online after my mistake to see the change fee was going to be $150.  I was getting irritated at myself again for making a mistake by going to fast or just not paying close enough attention.  So I stressed and stressed about whether to just eat the money or tell my HR manager and ask the company to pay for my mistake.  Neither option sounded good.

So I picked up the phone when I got home and called US Airways.  Well, I had a great conversation with Chuck and got great new flights into West Palm Beach.  Best part, I simply asked him to waive the fee and HE DID!  How awesome is that!

So what are your little talents that I should know about so I can ask you to use them someday?

Welcome to Nothing But the Krums

As promised on my old blog, I have decided to do a blog overhaul.  I didn't like my old address and it was time for a change.  What better time than the first of the year!

So my new blog name is Nothing But the Krums.  I chose it as a play on words in our name.  But also I chose it because it makes me think about the little crumbs in life.  It's like when all the big food is gone and you are looking at what seems to be an empty plate.  But there is something left.  There are crumbs that remind you that the meal you had was satisfying. 

And so it is with life, the big stuff goes by and you are left with little crumbs to remind you that you are satisfied. 

I hope you enjoy the new look and the new name.  And today as you finish your meal, look at the crumbs and reflect on the crumbs of your life.